Skillin Family Web Site

2010  Clean Jokes      home-over.jpeg (955 bytes)

A collection of pictures and jokes throughout the year...

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers.  These were voted the top quotes in corporate  America  :

  As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."  
     (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in  Redmond   WA  )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."  
                                                 ( Lykes Lines Shipping)

   E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.  It should be used only for company business."  

(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

 

  "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."  

(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 

  "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."  
                                          (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

  "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.  Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."  

 (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." 
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

 

  My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."  
                                         (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

 

   "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."   
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

 

 

 Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. 
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' 
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

--------------------------------------------------------- 
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' 
The father replied.  'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

--------------------------------------------------------- 

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took 
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.  'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

----------------------------------------------------------- 

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 
1. The DNA all matches. 
2. There are no dental records.

---------------------------------------------------------- 

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of 
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had 
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' 
He's still in intensive care.

 

 

 

 A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'  I was born Fred Johnson.  
I  studied hard and got good grades.  

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.  

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.  

Well, the  
ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.  

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the
ADA taking away my  DDS  because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

 

 

 WHY MEN ARE RARELY DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.  You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 

 

 

        

A man owned a small Ranch in Texas . The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent .

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. 
 

 He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher.

I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.   

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of  songs, I started to feel better.   
 

I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod...

 

 

When a man steals your wife,

 there is no better revenge

 than to let him keep her.


 
David Bissonette


 


 

After marriage, husband and wife  become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together...


 
Sacha Guitry


  


 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates


  

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


 
Anonymous

 

 

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.

We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.

A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


 Henny Youngman

 

 

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

 It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

 


 

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.

The first one left me,

and the second one didn't.'


 
James Holt McGavra

 


 

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


 
Patrick Murra

 


 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to: ....

 forget it ........ once


Nash

 


 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

 


 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


 
Henny Youngman

 


 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong..

Rodney Dangerfield

 


 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'..

Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

'You can have mine.'

  Anonymous

 


 

First Guy (proudly):

'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy:

'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'


 
Anonymous

 

 

                              

An Old Farmer's Advice:


* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
*

*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
*

*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
*

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
*

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
*

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
*

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
*

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
*

* Every path has a few puddles.
*

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
*

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
*

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.*

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
*

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
*

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
*

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
*

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
*

* Always drink upstream from the herd.
*

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
*

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
*

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
*

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
*

*Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.*
--

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,

He'll just kill you.