Skillin Family Web Site
Q1, 2005 Dirty Jokes
When to say Holy S&*!
Whatever shall I wear to court?
New crop of bumper stickers for 2005
asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years". The interviewersays, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then the
interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."The interviewer tells the guy, "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that."> >
> >> > IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!
> >> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >The Earth Is Full - Go Home.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Illiterate? Write For Help.> >~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Honk If Anything Falls Off.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,> >But is Miles >From The Next Exit.
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> >I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
> >Person.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Fight Crime: Shoot Back!> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)> >If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> >Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
> >Also Are Timed For 70 mph> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Guys: No Shirt, No Service> >Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> >If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
> >Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Ax Me About Ebonics.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Boldly Going Nowhere.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >Heart Attacks: God's Revenge> >For Eating His Animal Friends
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> >Honk If You've Never Seen
> >An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He> >Admits He is Lost?
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> >GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> >All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> >AND Lastly:
> >> >"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"
> >>
>
>A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
> the> kind of face and physique a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
> depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she> is
> ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.> However,
> if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted> to a
> man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while> he is
> on fire. Further studies are expected.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed
with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury, and cutting calves,
she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out
back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it
tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going
to cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand
and said, "Nope. I'm going to set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a
cold beer. You do whatever you want.
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the
article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a
22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a
pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious
behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at
the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin
patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft
and squishy inside, and there was no one around here
for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated
in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side
of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was
appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and
proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware
of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached
him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,"
said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and
he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she
approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse
me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a
pumpkin?'
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was
there, and then looked me straight in the face and
said,"
"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
A: Obviously your husband cannot
get enough of you! Knowing that
there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing -
your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer
together. Why not get some of your old collage roommates involved
too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with
your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform
oral on him.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose
weight and gives a great glow
to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to
perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you.
The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural
behavior and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with
other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress
relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember,
nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being
away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too!).
Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his
stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you
and your best friend to perform oral on him.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern
to your husband. If you must
mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to
help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and
present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your
selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal.
A: I'm not sure I understand the
problem.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for
bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests
for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as
much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the
mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by
performing oral on him.
A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS. HE BREAKS INTO A
HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED.HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR. WHILE TYING THE GIRL
TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOESINTO THE BATHROOM.
WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS GUY'S ANESCAPED CONVICT, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL
AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK.""IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU.
SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERYDANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY. I LOVE YOU"
TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING INMY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD
ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOUTOO!!"
Tim was going to be married to April, so his father sat him down for a little
fireside chat. He says, "Tim, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in
our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and
said, here - try these on." So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't
wear them". I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
Hmmm," says Tim. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his
honeymoon, Tim takes off his pants and says to April, "Here try these on."
So she does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit me." Tim says,
"...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want
you to ever forget that." Then April takes off her pants and hands them to Tim
and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your
pants." April says, "...exactly. And if you don't
change your smartass attitude, you never will!