Skillin Clean Jokes

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why?? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they

were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the

deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly

jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she

immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now

considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and

bad news. The good news is you're discharged. Since you were able to

rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another

patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad

news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt

in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

Wrong thing to say...

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the

wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for

some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking

like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think

anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

Never try to outsmart a woman!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,

and

was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said

his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the

casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he

died,

she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black,

and

her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony,

just

before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait

just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and

put

it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the

rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool

enough

to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife

replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him

that I

was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to

tell

me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my

account

and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Women Are Smarter Than Men

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles

decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar,

he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an

ordinary

man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father

will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with

Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

WOMEN Vs MEN

Women's Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished

purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote

control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry

your TV

remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come

shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I

could

do to him.

Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you

can

take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the

hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Wife Vs Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a

word. An

earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them

wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,

goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a

day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has

to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then

turned

to his wife and asked, "What?"

Stupid And Beautiful

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid

and

so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow

me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God

made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The Beast

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was

losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will

bring out the beast in me." So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid

a mouse?"

Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the

coffee

each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you

get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The

husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should

it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife

replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that

the

man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show

me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed

him

at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other

cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been

drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.. We never would have found him up there if it hadn't been for all the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with
45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching, Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Danny

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> Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."

> Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

> Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

> Customer: "Ok."

> Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

> Customer: "No."

> Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

> Customer: "No."

> Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

> Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

> Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

> Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

> Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

> Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

> Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

> Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

> Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

> Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

> Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

> Customer: "What?"

> Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

> Customer "No..."

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

> Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

> Tech Support: ?@#$

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

> Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

> Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

> Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"

> Customer: "A white one."

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

> Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."

> Customer: "How do you spell that?"

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

> Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"

> Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)

> Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"

> Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."

> Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"

> Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."

> Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."

> Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"

> Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

> Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"

> Customer: "Pentium."

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

> Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

> Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

> Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------

> Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."

> Tech Support: "What does it say?"

> Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

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> Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

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> Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"