Skillin Clean Jokes

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend your party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . . .

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

>When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
>diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with
>walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through
>year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to
>their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average
>despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where
>they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from
>starving to death!
>
> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in
>hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I
>had it and how easy they've got it!
>
> But....
>
> Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty-one, I can't help but
>look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean,
>compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but
>you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
>
> I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet--we wanted to know
>something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
>
> And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter--with
>a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it
>in the friggin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
>
> And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to
>go to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
>
> Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd
>usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!
>
> Those were your options!
>
> You want to hear about hardship?
>
> We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
>and somebody else called they got a busy signal!
>
> And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the the phone rang,
>you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections
>agent, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your
>chances, mister!
>
> And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
> high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
>"Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a
>little square! You had to use your imagination!
> And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen
>forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and
>faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
>
>
> When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium
>seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of
>you, you were screwed!
>
> And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20
>channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book
>called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
>
> And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
>morning... ...D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you
>spoiled little brats!
>
> That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too
>easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes
>back in 1984!

COWS AND POLITICS

DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing
you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy
a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell
both to support a man in a foreign country who has only
one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk
down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on
the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you
have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of
beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles
an hour.
Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation
per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th five year plan in the last three months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you
really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up
while they were in the hospital.

POLISH CORPORATION:
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk
them.

FLORIDA POLITICS:
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for
the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you
which is the best-looking cow.

NEW YORK POLITICS:
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the
herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas

Have a great day