Q1, 2003 Dirty Jokes
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> A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
> takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite
> blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman
> notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call
for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new
>
> here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it
> implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the
> swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and
> happily lets him have his way with her. The man continued to explore
> the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he
> passed gas. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy
> man lumbers out of the steam toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the
> newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule
here that if you pass gas it implies that you called for me." The huge man
> easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with
> him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is
> greeted
by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man
> yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you
> can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've
> only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see
> all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old,
> I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
They are going to do a re-make of the movie "The Exorcist"
This time, A mother seeks out the Devil to help her remove a Priest from her son!
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
A lady had been married to a farmer all her life. They had cows and
horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local
farmer's market.
While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that she
and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she came
across a contest form. It was from the Carnation Milk Company and the
object was to complete a jingle in fifty words or less. The company
furnished the first line of the jingle with these words, "I like
Carnation best of all......." and it was about those little cans of
milk found on grocery store shelves. So she completed their jingle and sent it off
to he Carnation Milk Company.
A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation
Milk person came to her door and told her that her entry was the best
one submitted. However, unfortunately the company could not publish it,
but had decided that her entry was worth at least a consolation award and
provided her with a company check in the amount of $1,000 for her
creativity.
Here is her entry:
"I like Carnation best of all,
No teets to pull, no shit to haul
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch! "
> > > Dear Abby;
> > >
> > > I met Laurie at a singles dance. I knew as soon as I looked at her
>that
> > > she was too young for me.
> > > I'm 64 and she was 36, 28 years my junior. I really regretted it
> > > because we got along so well that evening. She made me feel so
> > > comfortable in her presence. Our age difference didn't seem to
> > > matter to her as much as it did to me.
> > >
> > > Abby, I told her I felt people were staring at us. I said they are
> > > probably wondering if I am your father. She thought I was being
> > > silly and said if I wanted to see her again she would be honored
> > > to go out with me.
> > >
> > > Laurie and I have been dating now for three months. I really like
> > > her and I think she likes me. Still, everywhere we go, I feel
> > > people watching us.
> > >
> > > Sometimes they just outright stare. It is very annoying and I know
> > > it is because of our age difference that draws these prolonged
> > > looks from everyone we meet. I just feel so uncomfortable
> > > about this whole thing and wonder if I should continue with the
> > > relationship.
> > >
> > > Why do people have to be so rude....? It must be the age thing.
> > > Sincerely, Morris
> > >
> > >
> > > PS: I have attached a picture of Laurie.
Can you believe it?
Monica turned 28 this week.
It seems like only yesterday
she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a baseball bat jammed up his ass...
> > Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
> >
> > "Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the
> > Pabst beer is normal. I didn't even know you liked beer."
-
>
> The other side of all those sweet friendship letters. Hilarious! What
> Hallmark Doesn't Print
>
> So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
> Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
>
>
> My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I
> looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
>
> Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.
> But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
>
> Looking back over the years that we've been together,
> I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?
>
> Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one
> likes your husband.
>
> How could two people as beautiful as you...
> Have such an ugly baby?
>
> I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
> having met you..... I've changed my mind.
>
> I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed
> in Hell....... till I met you.
>
> As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here
> to ruin it for me.
>
> Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...
> would you like to take this knife out of my back?
> You'll probably need it again.
>
> Someday I hope to get married .. but not to you.
>
> Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
>
> When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
> Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
>
> We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?
>
> I'm so miserable without you. It's almost like you're here.
>
> Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
> the father was?
>
> Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
> So we're having you put to sleep.
>
> Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and
> West Virginia)
> >
>
>
>
>I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
>
>I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes.
>
>I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
>
>I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
>
>I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.
>
>I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.
>
>I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
>
>I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take
its place.
>
>I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.
>
>I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
>
>I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
>If not...tough shit.
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest
boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Before you females order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they
concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste;
knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll
send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with
friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has
No clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... this should be an easy
target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally
drunk and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to
do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help
him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid. Tequila: He
is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay!
A guy went to a travel agent & tried to book a two-week cruise for
himself & his girlfriend. The travel agent said all the ships were booked
& things were very tight but he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get
the couple onto a three-day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the
drugstore to buy Dramamine & 3 condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and said he now could book a 5 day
cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it" & returned to the same pharmacy to
buy 2 more Dramamine & 2 more condoms.
The following day, the agent called yet again & said he could now book
them on an 8-day cruise. The guy agreed, & went back to the drugstore. He
asked for 3 more Dramamine & 3 more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically and said, "Look, if it makes you
sick, why do you keep doing it?"
Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
GREAT BUMPER STICKERS!
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
3) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
6) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
7) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
10) Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
14) God must loved stupid people 'cause he made so many of them.
15) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
17) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
18) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
19) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of
yourself.
20) A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
21) Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
22) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
23) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
24) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
25) Finish Your Beer ~ There Are Sober People In China!
26) Jesus Loves You ~ Everyone Else Thinks You're a Jerk