Q1, 2003 Clean Jokes
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Wise words
Secrets of a
good relationship.....
1. It is important to find a women that cooks and
cleans.
2. It is important to find a women that makes good
money.
3. It is important to find a women that likes to have
sex.
4 . And it is important that these three women never
meet.
The Rules....this time by Men. We always hear "the rules" from the female
side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you
leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No and Fine are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine.....Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1 You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying
anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest of ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
I told my doctor that I could sew stitches better than he could.
So he said, "Suture Self."
The EU Commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language in European communities, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiation, HM Government has conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (or Euro for short).
In the first year 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertain sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letters.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaces by 'f'. This will make words such as 'photograph' 2- per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to the the stage where more komplicated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 's's in the languag is disgraceful, and they would disapear.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptive to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou ' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali hav kum tru!
Vocabulary additions:
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group,
discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A
person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An
ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a
prime example.
PERCUSSIVE
MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG f*cking mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING:
Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm,
then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.
>
> With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple
> rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!!
>
> Please use these helpful hints this and every year.
>
> 1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to
> see if it's really dead.
>
> 2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
>
> 3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
>
> 4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
> they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot
> of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several
> rounds to
kill
> them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with
> somebody else's voice.
>
> 5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
>
> 6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
>
> 7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
> apply to any other house of the dead as well.
>
> 8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and
> find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
>
> 9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
> circuits; just get out.
>
> 10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
>
> 11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
> reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
>
> 12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
> know what you're doing.
>
> 13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
> least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact
> that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's
> still
moving
> fast enough to catch up with you.
>
> 14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
> behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
> increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
>
> 15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
> listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in
trouble
> if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are
> sold,
the
> Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
>
> 16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go
> to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think
> that it
is
> strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank,
shoot
> yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be
> eaten.
>
> 17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple
> guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers,
butane
> torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased
> companions.
>
> 18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
> time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had
> previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
> horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
>
> 19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an
> old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a
> flashlight,
not
> a candle.
>
> 20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these
> can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this
> regard.
>
> 21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
>
> HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
>
>
This guy writes for
Sports Illustrated. VERY funny!
On a Wing and a Prayer, by Rick Reilly
Now this message for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be
invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful
fighter jets. Many of you already have -- John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger
Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the
greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own
death. Whatever you do, do not go. I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to
try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known
when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213
at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a
Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot,
tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind
of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see
this man, run the other way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly.
His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions.
("T-minus 15 seconds and counting...." Remember?) Chip would charge
neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from
naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a
liftoff." Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful
$60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin
Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the
flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked. "No," Biff said, "because they taste
about the same coming up as they do going down." The next morning, out on
the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast.
(No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot -- but, still, very cool.)
I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever
in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, that was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened
me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the
plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me,
and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up.
In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then
canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life.
Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster
at Six Flags Over *. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls,
loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a
vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute.
We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound.
Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at
550 mph, creating a G-force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times
my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs.
Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth
grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing
stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick
bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At
one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock
bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in
and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to
throw down. I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass,
or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is
guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn't go
up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every
day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand. A
week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the
fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for
my flight suit. What is it? I asked. "Two Bags." Don't you dare tell
Nicole.
> New Orleans Saint Running Back George Rogers
> when asked about the
> upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or
> 1,500 yards, whichever
> come first."
> >
> > ...............................................................
> And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say:
> "I'd run over my own
> mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of
> the Raiders said: "To
> win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
> >
> > .................................................................
> Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on
> > his coach, John
> Jenkins:"He treats us like men. He lets us wear
> > earrings."
> >
> > ............................................................
> Football commentator and former player Joe
> Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
> football should be called a genius. A genius is
> > a guy like Norman
Einstein."
> > ..............................................
> Senior basketball player at the University of
> Pittsburgh: "I'm going
> to graduate on time, no matter how long it
takes."
> >
> > ............................................................
> Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
> "You guys line up
> alphabetically by height."
> And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then
> line up in a circle."
> >
> > ..............................................................
> Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking
> up again with
promoter Don King:
> "Why
would anyone expect him to come out
> > smarter? He went to prison
> for three years, not Princeton."
> >
> > ...........................................................
> Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing,
> explaining why he keeps a
> color photo of himself above his locker:
> "That's so when I forget how
> to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes."
> >
> > .............................................................
> Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the
> Spartan training regime of
> heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets
> up at six o'clock in
> the morning regardless of what time it is."
> >
> > ..................................................................
> Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball
> player, explaining to
> Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at
> practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going
> to be an uncle or an
aunt."
> >
> > ..........................................................
> Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former
> player: "I told him,
> 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or
> apathy?' He said,
'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
> >
> > ...........................................................
> Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
> recounting what he
> told a player who received four F's and one D:
> "Son, looks to me like
> you're spending too much time on one subject."
> >
> > .............................................................
> Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his
> wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
> "Because she is too
dadgum ugly to kiss good-bye."
> Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
>
> He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
> like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
> without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes
> around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers
> of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
> pinhole in it.-Joseph Romm, Washington
>
> She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used
> to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged
> the door open again. -Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station
>
> The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way
> a bowling ball wouldn't. -Russell Beland, Springfield
>
> From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene
> had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in
> another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
> -Roy Ashley, Washington
>
> Soon after he started his summer job at the Lake Tahoe Casino he
> found himself getting more sex than a Catholic Priest. -Frank Berry,
> Buena Park
>
> Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
> Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
>
> Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
> center. Russell Beland, Springfield
>
> Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. -Unknown
>
> He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. -Jack Bross, Chevy
> Chase
>
> The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
> you fry them in hot grease. -Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring
>
> Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
> the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
> having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from
> Topeka at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. -Jennifer Hart, Arlington
>
> The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period
> after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. -Wayne Goode, Madison,AL
>
> John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
> who had also never met. -Russell Beland, Springfield
>
> The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound
> of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage
> during the storm scene in a play.-Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria
>
> The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola
> crayon.-Unknown
>
> He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was
> the East River. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville
>
> Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
> only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.-Sandra
> Hull, Arlington
>
> The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue
> during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" -Jean Sorensen, Herndon
>
> Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. -Jerry Pannullo, Kensington
>
> The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
> this plan just might work. -Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington
>
> The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
> eating for a while. -Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington
>
> "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving
> like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. -Bonnie Devore,
> Gaithersburg
>
> He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either,
> but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a
> land mine or something. -John Kammer, Herndon
>
> Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can
> tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. -Barbara Collier,
> Garrett Park
>
> She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
> just before it throws up. -Susan Reese, Arlington
>
> It came down the stairs looking very much like something
> no one had ever seen before. -Marian Carlsson, Lexington
>
> The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee
> (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made
> to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee
> hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
> -J. F. Knowles,Springfield
>
> The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
> behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. -Jennifer Hart, Arlington
>
> The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
> because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
> surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. -Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse
>
> The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating
> electric fan set on medium. -Unknown
>
> It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
> power tools. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville
>
> He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
> as if she were a garbage truck backing up. -Susan Reese,
> Arlington
>
> She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword. -Tom Witte,
> Gaithersburg
>
> Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
> to put in any pH cleanser. -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
>
> She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
> room-temperature Canadian beef. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville
>
> She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
> -Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park
>
> Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
> thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. -Sue Lin
> Chong, Washington
>
> It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
> to the wall. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville
>
We suffer most when the White House busts with ideas. -- H.L. Mencken
Read the
story then check out the photographic evidence. This is an actual
story and the results are amazing.
Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems.
Bill's company installed a car wash system in Frederick, Md. for a
gentleman. Now understand that these are a complete system including the
money changer and money taking machines.
The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was
losing
significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week. He went as
far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping
him off. Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do that. So
they set up a camera to catch the thieves in action. Well they did catch
them...at least on film! (click on images)
Drive-in Teller Procedures
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Roll down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Roll window up.
* 7 Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking brake, roll the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
* 9 Insert card.
* 10 Re-insert card the right way up.
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 15 Check makeup in rearview mirror.
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
* 19 Re-check makeup.
* 20 Drive forward 2 feet.
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.
* 22 Retrieve card.
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers
queuing behind.
* 24 Restart stalled engine and pull out.
* 25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
* 26 Release parking brake.
A young Mexican man walked into the local welfare
> > > office, marched
> > > >straight up to the counter and said, "Hi,
I'm
> > > >lookin' for a job."
> > > >
> > > >The man behind the counter replied,"Your
timing is
> > > amazing. We've just
> > > >got a listing from a very wealthy man who
wants a
> > > chauffeur/ bodyguard
> > > >for his nympho daughter. You'll have to
drive around
> > > in a big black
> > > >Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties
are
> > > provided. Because of
> > > >the long hours of this job, meals will
also be
> > > provided and you will
> > > >also be required to escort
> > > >the young lady on her overseas holidays.
The salary
> > > package
> > > >is $200,000 a year."
> > > >
> > > >The Mexican said, "Ah c'mon, you're
bullshitting me!"
> > >
> > > >
> > > >The man behind the counter said, "Well,
you started
> > > it!"
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief
> of the Communist Party in China.
>
> By James Sherman
>
> (We take you now to the Oval Office.)
>
> George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
>
> Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
>
> George: Great. Lay it on me.
>
> Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
>
> George: That's what I want to know.
>
> Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
>
> George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
>
> Condi: Yes.
>
> George: I mean the fellow's name.
>
> Condi: Hu.
>
> George: The guy in China.
>
> Condi: Hu.
>
> George: The new leader of China.
>
> Condi: Hu.
>
> George: The Chinaman!
>
> Condi: Hu is leading China.
>
> George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
>
> Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
>
> George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
>
> Condi: That's the man's name.
>
> George: That's who's name?
>
> Condi: Yes.
>
> George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
> China?
>
> Condi: Yes, sir.
>
> George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
> Middle East.
>
> Condi: That's correct.
>
> George: Then who is in China?
>
> Condi: Yes, sir.
>
> George: Yassir is in China?
>
> Condi: No, sir.
>
> George: Then who is?
>
> Condi: Yes, sir.
>
> George: Yassir?
>
> Condi: No, sir.
>
> George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
> China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
>
> Condi: Kofi?
>
> George: No, thanks.
>
> Condi: You want Kofi?
>
> George: No.
>
> Condi: You don't want Kofi.
>
> George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
> And then get me the U.N.
>
> Condi: Yes, sir.
>
> George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
>
> Condi: Kofi?
>
> George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
>
> Condi: And call who?
>
> George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
>
> Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
>
> George: Will you stay out of China?!
>
> Condi: Yes, sir.
>
> George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
> U.N.
>
> Condi: Kofi.
>
> George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
>
> (Condi picks up the phone.)
>
> Condi: Rice, here.
>
> George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
> should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get
> Chinese food in the Middle East?
>
A most valuable real time internet clock!
http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San
Francisco, and
started working east and south from there.
He went to a very large church and began taking photographs,
etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued
with a sign,
which reads "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct
line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly
to God. He thanks
the pastor and continues on his way.
As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Austin,
Minneapolis, and all around the United States, he finds more
phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each
pastor.
Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church, behold,
he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign
reads, "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he requests to talk to the
pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in
each church I have found this golden telephone and have
been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to
God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads
25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in Texas
now, and it's a local call."
> 1. Cut aluminum foil into desired shapes.
> 2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position foil carefully.
> 3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve. 4. Watch your
> guests faces.
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to our house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
1. The universal compensation for buddies who
help you move is beer.
2. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the
last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
3. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a
buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is
unsuitable.
4. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor
party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.
5. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must
be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to pick a buffalo wing clean.
6. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
7. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate
family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for
another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to
wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required
to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.
12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem
--- you didn't see nothin'.
13. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports
event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who's playing.
14. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model...and it's free.
15. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively
dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you
better be referring to his beer.
18. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a
buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
19. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless
you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line.. In all
other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
20. If a buddy is already singing along to a song
in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
21. "Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
22. Under no circumstances may two men share an
umbrella.
A PLEA FOR HELP!
Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.
Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our very own nation are living at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike situation. But you can help!
For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!
Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball player it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a baseball player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the strike on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Infielder [ ] Outfielder [ ] Starting Pitcher [ ] Ace Pitcher
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a team - $10 per minute)
[ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day)
Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the player for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001 Income Statement and my very own Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).
Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number: _______________________
Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Signature: _______________________
Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Signature: _______________________
Mail completed form to: MLB Players Union or call 1-900-F%*&-THE-FANS now to enroll by phone ($10 per minute).
There's a knock at the front door. A man opens it and looks down to find a snail sitting on the stoop.
He picks up the little critter and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there's a knock. The man opens the door, looks down, and there sits the same snail.
The snail looks up and says... "What on earth was that about?!?"
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already
drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered drink. The man looked around
and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the
table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went
by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is
fine!"
The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,
because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk
leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she
is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.The
drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy,
your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said,"Damn it,
grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"
WORDS WOMEN USE
> >
> >
> >
> >FINE
> >This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel
> >they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to
> >describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of
> >
> >those arguments.
> >
> >
> >
> >FIVE MINUTES
> >This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
> >your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so
> >it's an even trade.
> >
> >NOTHING
> >This means "something", and you should be on your toes.
> >"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of
> >wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
> >'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five
> >Minutes" and end with 'Fine'
> >
> >GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
> >This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset
> >over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
> >
> >GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
> >This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't
> >care"
> >You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
> >followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
> >"Five Minutes" when she cools off.
> >
> >LOUD SIGH
> >This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
> >often misunderstood by men.
> >A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment,
> >and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
> >with you over "Nothing"
> >
> >SOFT SIGH
> >Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs"
> >mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe,
> >and she will stay content.
> >
> >
> >
> >THAT'S OKAY
> >This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
> >make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long
> >
> >and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have
> >done.
> >"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction
> >with a "Raised Eyebrow.
> >
> >GO AHEAD.
> >At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some
> >mighty big trouble.
> >
> >PLEASE DO
> >This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you
> >the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for
> >doing whatever it is that you have done.You have a fair chance with
> >the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
> >
> >THANKS
> >A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
> >
> >THANKS A LOT
> >This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks
> >A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you
> >have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the
> >"Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
> >Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
The new pastor was out visiting the homes of some of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out one of his cards, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was the message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
STATE SLOGANS
Alabama - Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska -11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona - But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas - Literacy Ain't Everything
California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own ItYet
Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida - Where Your Vote Counts....Sometimes Twice!!!
Georgia - We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)
Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois - Please Don't Pronounce The "S"
Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana - We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine - We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan - First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes.... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing
Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada - Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire - Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##!
Motto Right Here!
New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The
Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota- We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma - Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon -Spotted Owl.... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal
Rhode Island - We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrend
South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee-The Educashun Stat
Texas-Se' Hablo Ingles
Utah-Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont-Yep
Virginia-Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington - Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
West Virginia - One Big Happy Family.... Really!
Wisconsin-Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming -Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared...
Jerry Falwell, a well-known religious protector of 'public decency', was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. Clinton asked for a whiskey and soda which were brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
Bill then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
Who Reads What and Why
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the
country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their
smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running
the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave
L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country
and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on
the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably
while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a
country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all
that they stand for. There are occasional
exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority lesbian feminist atheist
dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as
long as they are Democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but
need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
store.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, "What a peaceful and loving couple."
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by a pack of mules. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
And we lived happily ever after."
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight.... "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible
conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12
o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock".
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said 'Oh Shit!', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, and then farted."
> An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large
> pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
> basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
> swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer
> decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while,
> and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
> laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
> women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
> presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the
> women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old
> man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make
> you get out of the pond naked. "I only came to feed the alligator."
OK. Pay close attention. Here is a very simple little test comprised of four easy questions to determine the level of your intellect. See if you have what it takes to be considered "smart."
Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting of time. And no cheating!
On your mark, get set, go...
1: You are competing in a race and overtake the runner in second place. In which position are you now?Answer: If you answered that you're now in first, you're wrong! You overtook the second runner and took his place, therefore you are now in second place. For the next question try not to be so dim.
2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?
Answer: If you answered second to last, you are wrong once again. Think about it... How can you overtake the person who is last? If you're behind them, they can't be last. You would have been last. It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points.
Anyway, here's another question to try. Don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember, your replies must be instantaneous.
3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20. Plus 1000. and plus 10. What is the total?Answer: 5000? Wrong again! The correct answer is 4100. Try again with good calculator. Today is clearly not your day, although you should manage to get the last question right...
4: Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name? Think quickly...you'll find the answer below....Answer: Chuchu? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question properly.
You are clearly the weakest link.
Horror Story
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and
even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale it's real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night
and in the middle of a storm.
The night was rolling and no car went by, the storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming
towards him and stops.
The guy without thinking about it got in the car closed the door just
to realize there's nobody behind the wheel.
The car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve
coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't
come out
of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the
window and moves the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time
just before a curve.
The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest
town.
Wet and in shock goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila,
and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went thru. A
silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and
wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one
said to the other.
"Look Jose, that's the jerk that got in the car when we were
pushing it."