Summer, 2002 Dirty Jokes
Q. What is really sweet and is delivered in a box for Easter? A. The Queen Mum
Q. What do Princess Di and the Queen Mum have in common?
A. They both died pushing 102
An elementary school class started a class project to make a planter to take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants. The
students were given greenware pottery planters in the shape of a clown which they painted with glaze. The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process. It was great fun.
They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately the children were not allowed to take them home.
The cactus plants were removed and a small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead. The teacher
said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time...
(click to enlarge)
After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."
> > This once again confirms that the most important information in
> > your life won't come from a teacher, the library, or the internet,
> > but from a mentor
> > and on a very personal level.
> > Wisdom...
> > My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it
> > is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long
> > drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend
> > weekends with him.
> > The advice he used to give was priceless! Much was wasted because I
> > was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems
> > of
> > I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and
> > good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the
> > crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the
> > eye and said,
> > "Boy, don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look
> > smaller."
> A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
> him up, he mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave
> around the cheeks.
> "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
> from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
> The client placed the ball
> in his mouth, and the barber proceeded with the closest shave the man had
> experienced. After a few strokes, the client asked in garbled speech. "And
> what if
> I swallow it?"
> "No problem," said the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
> everyone else does!"
Do you keep falling asleep at meetings? Here's a way to change all of that!
1. Before your next meeting/seminar/conference call, prepare your "BullShit Bingo" card by drawing a square (5"x 5" is a good size) and divide it into columns (five across and five down) - this gives you 25 1-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
take that off-line
out of the loop
on the ground
think outside the box
empower (or empowerment)
at the end of the day
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases during the course of the meeting.
4. When you get a row of five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
The following are testimonials from satisfied "BullShit Bingo" players:
"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won!" - Jack W., Boston, MA
"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically!" - David D., Tampa, FL
"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." - Bill R., New York, NY
"The atmosphere was tense in the last meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box!" - Ben G., Denver, CO
"The speaker was stunned as 8 of us screamed 'BULLSHIT' for the 3rd time in 2 hours!" - Kathy L., Atlanta, GA
"It sure was a novel way to get my ass fired!" - Dave B., Sudbury, MA
SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN-NEAR EVERYBODY
What's the Cuban national anthem?
Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm
shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is
flying at half mast?
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future,
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say
the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and
a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A
southern fairytale begins Y'all ain't gonna believe
Times have changed. Years ago.....When 100 white men
chased 1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan;
Today they call it the PGA TOUR.
> A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a
> quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she
> was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk
> standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the
> He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, but
> intrigued, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing
> particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's
> right. But how in earth did you know that?
> The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier'n shit."
> A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One
> day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker
> with tattoos all over his arms answers.
> She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
> The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain requirements in
> order to join. The biker asks," Do you have a motorcycle?"
> The little old lady replies," Yep... my bike's parked over there," and
> points to a Harley in the driveway.
> The biker asks," Do you drink?"
> The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any
> man in your club under the table."
> The biker asks," Do you smoke?"
> The little old lady replies," Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4
> packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while
> I'm shooting pool.
> The biker is very impressed and asks," Last question, have you ever
> been picked up by the fuzz?"
> The little old lady thinks for a minute and says," Nope... but I've
> been swung around by the nipples a few times.
> > > Dear Diary,
> > >
> > > Right before Christmas I was rushing around trying to get some
> > > shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of
> > > the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the
> > > parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt
> > > obligated to
> buy. I
> > > noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So
> > > under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
> > > As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard
> > > a
> > > sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about
> > > 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just
> > > wearing
> > > ragged
> > > flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly
> > > he was holding a hundred-dollar bill in his hand.
> > > Thinking he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was
> > > He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large
> > > family. He
> > > three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was 9
> > > old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full-time jobs.
> > > She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless,
> > > she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her
> > > children Christmas presents.
> > > The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to
> > > her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all
> > > his
> > > and
> > > save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the
> > > when
> > > an older boy grabbed one of the hundred-dollar bills and
> > > disappeared
> > > the night.
> > > "Why didn't you scream for help? " I asked.
> > > The boy said, "I did."
> > > "And nobody came to help you? " I queried.
> > > The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
> > > "How loud did you scream? " I inquired.
> > > The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" as
> > > if
> > > were speaking to God.
> > > I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy
> > > cry
> > > help.
> > > So I snatched his other hundred and ran to my car.
> > > Signed,
> > > Kenneth Lay
> > > Enron CEO