Summer, 2002  Clean Jokes      home-over.jpeg (955 bytes)

http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm

http://home.kimo.com.tw/gigi67890/dx8698/777.htm

 

> A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so

> he decides to go to a psychiatrist.

>

> The doctor tells him he has to develop self esteem.

>

> The doctor gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on

> the way home.

>

> When he walks through the door and his wife comes to greet him, he

> tells her, "From now on I'm the man of this home and my word is law.

>

> When I come home from work I want my dinner on the table.

>

> Now get upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed because I'm going

> out with the boys tonight.

>

> Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub guess who is going to

> dress me and comb my hair?"

>

> "The undertaker." she replies...

>

> Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining

> candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears

> running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He

> looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling

> Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest.

> Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired

> voice,

> "I have something I must confess to you". "There's nothing to confess,"

> replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No,

> no. I

> must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best

> friend,

> her best friend, and your mother!" "I know" Becky whispered softly.

> "That's why I poisoned you"

>

> The following ad appeared in a newspaper. TRUE STORY

>

> SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good

> looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods. Riding

> in your pickup truck. Hunting Camping Fishing trips. Cozy winter

> nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me

> eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.

> I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only

> what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-XXXX and ask for

> Daisy.

>

> (The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week

> old black Labrador Retriever.)

>

Men's Speech Patterns.....

>> 1. "I can't find it"

>> MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,

>> so I am completely clueless.

>> 2. "That's women's work"

>> MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

>> 3. "Will you Marry me?"

>> MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't

>> find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.

>> 4. "It's a guy thing , "

>> MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected

>> with it, and you have no chance at all of making it

>> logical.

>> 5. "Can I help with dinner?"

>> MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?

>> 6. "It would take too long to explain"

>> MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

>> 7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"

>> MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.

>> 8. "We're going to be late,"

>> MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

>> 9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard,"

>> MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum

>> cleaner.

>> 10. "That's interesting dear,"

>> MEANS: are you still talking?

>> 11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove

>> our love,"

>> MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

>> 12. "You expect too much from me,"

>> MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

>> 13. "It's really a good movie,"

>> MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

>> 14. "You know how bad my memory is,"

>> MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of

>> F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed,

>> and the vehicle identification number of every car

>> I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

>> 15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you

>> these roses,"

>> MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a

>> real babe, and was wearing a bikini thong.

>> 16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big

>> deal," MEANS: I have actually severed a limb,

>> but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

>> 17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing,"

>> MEANS: what did you catch me at?

>> 18. "She's one of those rabid feminists,"

>> MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.

>> 19. "I heard you."

>> MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just

>> said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that

>> you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

>> ( Hahahhahaa.... )

>> 20. "You know I could never love anyone else,"

>> MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and

>> realize it could be worse.

>> 21. "You really look terrific in that outfit,"

>> MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm

>> starving.

>> 22. "I brought you a present,"

>> MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the

>> ball/hockey game.

>> 23. "I missed you,"

>> MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are

>> hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.

>> 24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are,"

>> MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

>> 25. "This relationship is getting too serious,"

>> MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

>> 26. "I don't need to read the instructions."

>> MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up

>> without printed help.

>Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor

>

>of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.

> A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind

>of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

>

>Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic

>numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One

>of the women in the group complained to her husband that she

>was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry that he was sure

>there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder

>room

>for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did

>not

>go away.

> If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you

>know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with

>time

>running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the

>int

>ensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski

>outfit, she should go off in

>the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide

>more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began

>disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side

>of

>a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your

>skis

>so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

>Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without

>warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing

>through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her

>derriere and her reverse side were still

>bare, her pants down around he knees, and she was picking up speed all the

>while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an

>unusual vista for the other skiers.

>The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and

>finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was

>that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long

>last

>her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show,

>then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who

>transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping

>when

>a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

>"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

>"It was the damndest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this

>ski

>lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was

>this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her

>bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees.

>I

>leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd

>moved. I fell out of the lift."

>"So how'd you break your arm?"

>

>

> > Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The

> > Bank

>

> > Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New

> > York Times.

>

> > Dear Sir:

>

> > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I

> > endeavored

> to

>

> > pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds

> > must

> have

> > elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my

> > account

> of

> > the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic

> monthly

> > deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only

> been

> > in place for eight years.

>

> > You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of

> > opportunity,

> and

> > also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the

> > inconvenience

> I

> > caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in

> > which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial

> > ways. You

> have set

> > me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

> > No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant

> > incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my

> > model the

> procedures,

> > attitudes and conduct of your very bank.

>

> > I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited

> > and

>

> > proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following

> > changes:

>

> > I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone

> > calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the

> impersonal,

> > ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has

> > become.

>

> > From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood

> person.

>

> > My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no

> > longer

> be

> > automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed

> > personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you

> > must nominate.

> You

> > will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any

> > other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an

> > Application

> Contact

> > Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry

> > it

> runs to

> > eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as

> > your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that

> > all

> copies of

> > his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,

> > and

> the

> > mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,

> > assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

>

> > In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which

> > he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be

> > shorter than

> 28

> > digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses

> required to

> > access my account balance on your phone bank service.

>

> > As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me

> > level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new

> > telephone

> system,

> > which you will notice, is very much like yours.

>

> > My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will

> have

> > any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an

> automated

> > voice service: Press buttons as follows:

> > 1. To make an appointment to see me.

> > 2. To query a missing payment.

> > 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4.

> > To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To

> > transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6.

> > To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To

> > leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer

> is

> > required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the

> Authorized Contact.

> > 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

> > 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

>

> > The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my

> > automated answering service.

>

> > While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music

> will

> > play for the duration of the call. This month, I've chosen a

> > refrain

> from

> >

> > The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With

> > a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that

> > the

> miners

> > sweated for."

>

> > On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank

> > has

>

> > often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at

> > a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me

> > repay

> your

> > kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of

> > advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20

> > per

> page.

> > Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per

> > minute of

> my time

> > spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in

> > the

> matter of

> > the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

> > My

> new

> > phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised

> > to

> keep your

> > inquiries brief and to the point.

>

> > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

> > establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

>

> > May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New

> > Year?

>

> > Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)

 

 

> > > -------A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness

> > > to

>the

> > > stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached

> > > her

>and

> > > asked,

> > > "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do

> > > know

>you

> > Mr.

> > > Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And

> > > frankly,

> > you've

> > > been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your

> > > wife,

>you

> > > manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You

> > > think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to

> > > realize you

> > never

> > > will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I

>know

> > you."

> > >

> > > The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed

>across

> > the

> > > room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense

> > > attorney?"

>She

> > > again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he

> > > was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.

> > > And he,

>too,

> > has

> > > been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a

>drinking

> > > problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone

> > > and

>his

> > > law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to

> > > mention

>he

> > > cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know

> > > him."

>The

> > > defense attorney was also surprised and shocked.

> > >

> > > At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and

> > > called

>both

> > > counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with

> > > menace,

>"If

> > > either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed

> > > for

> > contempt!" ------

> >

 
 
 
 

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

 
 

Day number 181

 

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

 

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

 

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

 

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

 

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

 

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

 

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

 

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

 

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

 

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 
 

Day number 182

 

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

 

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

 

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

 

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

 

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

 

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

 

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

 

1:30 PM - ooooooo. Bath. Bummer.

 

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

 

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

 

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 
 
 

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

 
 

DAY 752 -

 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little

 

dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,

 

while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that

 

keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild

 

satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of

 

furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

 
 

DAY 761 -

 

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around

 

their feet while they were walking almost succeeded,

 

must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to

 

> disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again

 

> induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must

 

> try this on their bed.

 

>

 

> DAY 765 -

 

> Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,

 

> in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of,

 

> and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only

 

> cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I

 

> was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

 

>

 

> DAY 768 -

 

> I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good

 

> reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time

 

> however it included a burning foamy chemical

 

> called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a

 

> liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still

 

> stuck between my teeth.

 

>

 

> DAY 771 -

 

> There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I

 

> was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I

 

> could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the

 

> glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I

 

> overheard that my confinement was due to MY power

 

> of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use

 

> it to my advantage.

 

>

 

> DAY 774 -

 

> I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe

 

> snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more

 

> than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The

 

> bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and

 

> speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my

 

> every move. Due to his current placement in the metal

 

> room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a

 

> matter of time....

 

>

> MOODS OF A WOMAN

>

> An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,

> A woman is a bundle of contradiction.

>

> She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,

> But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

>

> Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose.

> She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

>

> She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,

> She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.

>

> At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,

> She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

> ____________________________________

>

> MOODS OF A MAN

>

> Horny.

> Hungry.

>

 

> If you've ever enjoyed Blues music, you need to understand its

> fundamental

> rules (and it seems that a lot of country music has similar

> guidelines, or

> maybe country IS Blues}. Iffen you seen this afore, just remember

> sum of us

> just lives these Blues.

>

> 1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

>

> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you

> stick

> something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the

> meanest

> face in town."

>

> 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat

> it.

> Then find something that rhymes sort of: "Got a good woman with the

> meanest

> face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

> Got

> teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

>

> 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in

> a

> ditch; ain't no way out.

>

> 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues

> don't

> travel in Volvos, BMWs or sport utility vehicles. Most Blues

> transportation

> is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and

> state-sponsored

> motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in

> the

> Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

>

> 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.

> Adults

> sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get

> the

> electric chair if you shoot a man in Nashville.

>

> 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or

> anywhere in

> Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just

> clinical

> depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best

> places to

> have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't

> get rain.

> (Ah, that's the answer. Country is Blues in a dry place or where

> there's a

> drought.)

>

> 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with

> male

> pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not

> the

> Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator is chomping on it is.

>

> 9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The

> lighting is

> wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

>

> 10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway; b. jailhouse; c. empty

> bed; d.

> bottom of a whiskey glass

>

> 11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstroms; b. gallery openings; c.

> Ivy

> League institutions; d. golf courses

>

> 12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you

> happen

> to be a old country person, and you slept in it.

>

> 13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you older

> than

> dirt; b. you blind; c. you shot a man in Nashville; d. you can't be

> satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth; b. you were once

> blind but

> now can see; c. the man in Nashville lived; d. you have a 401k or

> trust fund

>

> 14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger

> Woods

> cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people

> also got

> a leg up on the Blues.

>

> 15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the

> Blues.

> Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine; b. whiskey or

> bourbon;

> c. muddy water; d. nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues

> beverages: a. Perrier; b. Chardonnay; c. Snapple; d. Slim Fast

>

> 16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues

> death.

> Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.

> So are

> the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down

> cot.

> You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or

> while

> getting liposuction.

>

> 17. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie; b. Big Mama; c. Bessie; d.

> Fat

> River Dumpling

>

> 18. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe; b. Willie; c. Little Willie; d.

> Big

> Willie

>

> 19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie and Heather can't

> sing

> the Blues no matter how many men they shot in Nashville.

>

> 20. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you

> can't sing

> the Blues.

>

>

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops and livestock.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)

Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

 

> It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were

> standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria", and singing it

> beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand

> and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

>

> A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and

> approached the

> choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the

> best choirs I have ever heard."

>

> "Yes, I'm very proud of them," the conductor said.

>

> "You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what's their

> name?"

>

> "Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.

>

> "They are the..............

>

>

> (pretty bad.....proceed at your own risk)

>

>

>

> (consider yourself warned)

>

SCROLL DOWN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

>

> ........... Moron Tapanapple Choir."

>

 

>Subject: Rest Stop

>

>

>> I left home heading toward Arkansas, when I decided to stop at a rest

>stop. The first stall was occupied so I went into the second one. I was

no

>sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall.

>>

>> "Hi, how are you doing?"

>>

>> Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway rest rooms,

and

>I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a

>little embarrassed:

>>

>> "Not bad."

>>

>> And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

>>

>> Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this

was

>too weird! So I said:

>>

>> "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

>>

>> Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you

back,

>there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am

asking

>you."

>>

>

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! -IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

Women think they already know

everything, but wait... training

courses are now available for

women in the following subjects:

Silence, The Final Frontier:

Where no woman has gone before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking:

Making deposits.

Parties: Going without new outfits.

Man Management:

Minor household chores can wait till

after the game.

Bathroom Etiquette 1:

Men need space in the bathroom

cabinet too.

Bathroom Etiquette 2:

His razor is his.

Communication Skills 1:

Tears - the last resort, not the first.

Communication Skills 2:

Thinking before speaking.

Communication Skills 3:

Getting what you want without

nagging.

Driving A Car Safely:

A skill you can acquire.

Telephone Skills: How to hang up.

Advanced Parking:

Backing into a space.

Water Retention: Fact or fat.

Cooking 1:

Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter.

Cooking 2:

Bran and tofu are not for human

consumption.

Cooking 3:

How not to inflict your diets on other

people.

Compliments:

Accepting them gracefully.

PMS: Your problem ... not his.

Dancing: Why men don't like to.

Classic Clothing:

Wearing outfits you already have.

Household Dust:

A harmless natural occurrence only

women notice.

Integrating Your Laundry:

Washing it all together.

Oil and Gas: Your car needs both.

TV Remotes: For men only

 

 

> A frog goes into a bank and approaches the loan officer. He can see

> from her nameplate that the loan officer's name is Patricia Whack. So he

> says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long

> vacation."

>

> Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to

> borrow. The frog says, "$30,000."

>

> She asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger,

> his dad Is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK; he knows the bank manager.

>

> Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that

> he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he

> has anything he can use as collateral.

>

> The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain

> elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

>

> Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the

> manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says:

>

>

> "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you

> and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

> She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

>

>

>

> (Are you ready???)

>

>

>

>

> (You're

> gonna love it!)

>

>

>

>

>

> The bank manager looks at her and says:

>

> "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.

> Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

>

>

> To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - - - particularly fanatics

> intent on killing us -- airport screeners will not be allowed to

> profile people. They will continue random searches of: 80-year-old

> women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret

> Service agents who are members of the President's security detail,

> 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal Of Honor winning

> former Governors.

>

> Let's pause a moment and take the following test:

>

> In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnaped & massacred by:

> (a) Olga Corbutt

> (b) Sitting Bull

> (c) Arnold Schwarzeneggar

> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly

> between the ages of 17 & 40

>

> In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:

> (a) Lost Norwegians

> (b) Elvis

> (c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old

> women

> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly

> between the ages of 17 & 40

>

> During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnaped in Lebanon by:

> (a) John Dillinger

> (b) The King of Sweden

> (c) The Boy Scouts

> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly

> between the ages of 17 & 40

>

> In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

> (a) A pizza delivery boy

> (b) Pee Wee Herman

> (c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a

> slow news day

> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly

> between the ages of 17 & 40.

>

> In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70 year old

> American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:

> (a) The Smurfs

> (b) Davy Jones

> (c) The Little Mermaid

> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly

> between the ages of 17 & 40.

>

> In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, & a USNavy diver was

> murdered by:

> (a) Captain Kid

> (b) Charles Lindberg

> (c) Mother Teresa

> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly

> between the ages of 17 & 40

>

> In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

> (a) Scooby Doo

> (b) The Tooth Fairy

> (c) Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid

> who had a few sticks of dynamite

> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly

> between the ages of 17 & 40

>

> In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:

> (a) Richard Simmons

> (b) Grandma Moses

> (c) Michael Jordan

> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly

> between the ages of 17 & 40.

>

> In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

> (a) Mr. Rogers

> (b) Hillary, to distract attention

> from Wild Bill's women problems

> (c) The World Wrestling Federation

> to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless"

> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly

> between the ages of 17 & 40

>

> On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked & destroyed & thousands of

> people were killed by:

> (a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote,

> Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd

> (b) The Supreme Court of Florida

> (c) Mr. Bean

> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly

> between the ages of 17 & 40.

>

> In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:

> (a) Enron

> (b) The Lutheran Church

> (c) The NFL

> (d) Muslim male extremists mostly

> between the ages of 17 & 40.

>

> In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnaped and murdered by:

> (a) Bonnie and Clyde

> (b) Captain Kangaroo

> (c) Billy Graham

> (d) Nope, no patterns anywhere to justify profiling

>

Dennis Miller on the Middle East situation

   You gotta love this guy . . .

 

   "As a service to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the

 

   story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really

 

   need. Don't thank me.  I'm a giver. Here we go:

  

   The Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about

that:

   There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word. Israel was called

Palestine

   for two thousand years. "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a

modern

   invention.  Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by

Egypt,

   and there were no "Palestinians" then, and the West Bank was owned by

  Jordan, and there were no "Palestinians" then.

 

   As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as

   basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the "Palestinians," weeping

   for their deep bond with their lost "land" and "nation." So for the sake

of

   honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any more to describe these

   delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone points out

 

   they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what  they are: " Arabs who 

 

   Would Rather Wrap  Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal

   Struggle And  Death." I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on

CNN.

   How about this, then: "Adjacent Jew-Haters."  Okay, so the Adjacent

Jew-Haters

   want their own country. Oops, just one more  thing. No, they don't. They

could've

   had their own country any time in the last thirty years, especially two

years

   ago at Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to have

traffic

   lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you

actually

   have to figure out some way to make a living. That's no fun. No, they want

what

   all the other Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel.  They also want a big

pile of

   dead Jews, of course-that's where the real fun is-but mostly they want

Israel. Why?

   For one thing, trying to destroy Israel-or "The Zionist Entity" as their

textbooks call

   it-for the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to

divert the

   attention of their own people away from the fact that they're the

blue-ribbon most

   illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on G-ado’s Earth, and if you've

ever been

   around G-ado’s Earth, you know that's really saying something. It makes me

roll my

   eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about the great history

and

   culture of the Muslim Mideast. Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs

haven't

   given anything to the world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell

of a lot

   for that one. 

 

   Chew this around. . .Five hundred million Arabs; five million Jews. Think

of all the

   Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack of matches

sitting in the

   middle of it. And now these same folks swear that if Israel gives them

half of that

   pack of matches, everyone will be pals. Really?

 

 Wow,  what neat news.  Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate

 the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every

 Jew into the sea? Oh, that?  We were just kidding.  My friend Kevin Rooney

 made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the numbers. Imagine five

 hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple

 brilliance of it.

 

    Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite

 to themselves? Of course not.  Or marshaling every fiber and force at

 their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab State into the sea?

 Nonsense.

 

   Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible.  Or spreading

 and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the

 blood of children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to themselves in a

world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.3

 

 

 

 

> A group of professional people posed this question to

> a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

>

> The answers they got were broader and deeper than

> anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

>

> LOVE IS...

>

> "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend

> over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather

> does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.

> That's love." - Rebecca - age 8

>

> "When someone loves you, the way they say your name

> is different. You know that your name is safe in

> their mouth." - Billy - age 4

>

> "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts

> on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each

> other." - Karl - age 5

>

> "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody

> most of your French fries without making them give

> you any of theirs." - Chrissy - age 6

>

> "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." - Terri - age 4

>

> "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and

> she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make

> sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7

>

> "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get

> tired of kissing, you still want to be together and

> you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that.

> They look gross when they kiss." - Emily - age 8

>

> "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if

> you stop opening presents and listen." - Bobby - age 5

>

> "If you want to learn to love better, you should

> start with a friend who you hate." - Nikka - age 6

>

> "There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love.

> But God makes both kinds of them." - Jenny - age 4

>

> "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then

> he wears it everyday." - Noelle - age 7

>

> "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man

> who are still friends even after they know each

> other so well." - Tommy - age 6

>

> "During my piano recital,I was on a stage and scared.

> I looked at all the people watching me and saw my

> daddy waving and smiling. He was the

> only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." - Cindy - age 8

>

> "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see

> anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." - Clare - Age 5

>

> "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of

> chicken." - Elaine - age 5

>

> "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and

> still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." - Chris - age 8

>

> "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after

> you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann - age 4

>

> "I know my older sister loves me because she gives

> me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new

> ones." - Lauren - age 4

>

> "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says

> she only picks on me because she loves me.So I pick on

> my baby sister because I love her."- Bethany - age 4

>

> "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down

> and little stars come out of you." - Karen - age 7

>

> "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she

> doesn't think it's gross." - Mark - age 6

>

> "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you

> mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a

> lot. People forget." - Jessica - age 8

>

>

 

> A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him

> if it was dead or alive. " Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?"

> she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"

> answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed

> in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went

> 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

> _______________________________________________________________

>

> A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....

> "Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No.

> You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

>

> "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!"

> If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later.

> ....."Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you

> bring a drink of water?"

> ______________________________________________________

>

> An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

> finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy

> thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out

> and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,

> Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

> ______________________________________________________

>

> One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking

> her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked

> with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she

> said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at

> last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

> ______________________________________________________

>

> It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

> children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One

> little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat

> down,

the

>

> pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your

> Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's

> clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

> _____________________________________________________________

>

> A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two

> plus five,that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a

> bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,

> "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math

> homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?"

> the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the

> teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The

> teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother

> asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a

> bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,

> "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

> ______________________________________________________

>

> One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken

> Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken

> Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little

went

> up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

> The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that

> farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he

> said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach

> for the next 10 minutes

>

>

 

> >REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT Band of Roving Chief

> >Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border

> >

> >El Paso, Texas (24 June 20001) - Unwilling to wait for their eventual

> >indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made

> >a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering

> >towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off

> >as a marketing expense.

> >

> >"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then

> >double-booked

the

> >revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso.

"Right

> >in front of my daughters."

> >

> >Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first

> >spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where

> >they bought

each

> >of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains.

> >By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated

> >Quemado's population to

> >960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

> >

> >This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its

> >underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to

> >California for $4.5 billion.

> >

> >Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse

> >were noticeably frustrated.

> >

> >"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand

> >behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse

> >spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of

> >the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations.. I've been

> >on the phone all damn morning."

> >

> >"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"

> >

> >The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on

> >a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them

> >by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S.

> >Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a

> >flame."

> >

> >Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices

> >to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the

> >time we

just

> >hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis,

> >"but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of

> >the loop on that.'"

> >

> >Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were

> >Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken

> >Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen,

> >and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal

> >and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas

> >as they have already been indicted.

> >

> >So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including

> >Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut

> >through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off

> >Highway 375.

> >

> >

> >"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask

> >for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place

settings,

> >using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol

> >officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the

> >morning sun

really

> >adds texture to the stucco walls."

> >

> >While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into

> >Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves

> >up at the Alamo.

> >

> >"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said.

"They're

> >rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change

> >as

a

> >sale."

> >

> >

> Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a

> wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road

> service until long after hypothermia has set in.

> >------------------------------------------------------

> Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop

> the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If

> another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be

> able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and

> everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

> >-----------------------------------------------

> Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me

> soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get

> as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

> >-----------------------------------------------

> Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at

> the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic

> items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same

> thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up

> anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

> >-----------------------------------------------

> Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will

> insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost

> me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it

> back together.

> >-----------------------------------------------

> Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my

> hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a

> whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by

> holding a calculator).

> >-----------------------------------------------

> Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't

> think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a

> complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're

> going?

> >-----------------------------------------------

> Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.

> The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up

> something else when you ask, so don't.

> >-----------------------------------------------

> Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.

> Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

> >-----------------------------------------------

> Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought

> what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of

> shoes is fine. With the belt or without it--looks fine. Your hair is

> fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

> >-----------------------------------------------

> Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2002, I will share

> equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the

> gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do

> the rest.

>

>

>

> ~ This has been a public service message for Women ~

> ~ to better understand the Male species. ~

>

>

 

 

 

 

> > "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out

> > like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in

> > the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner

> > with."

> > Kathleen Mifsud

> >

> > "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest

> > that perhaps they're too old to do it."

> > Ann Bancroft

> >

> > Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal

> > partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of

> bridge.

> > Bill Cosby

> >

> > "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for

> > marriage.

> > They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

> > Rita Rudner

> >

> > "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut after."

> > Benjamin Franklin

> >

> > "My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."

> > Henny Youngman

> >

> > "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

> > Rodney Dangerfield

> >

> > "A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."

> > Milton Berle

> >

> > "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

> > George Burns

> >

> > "When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men

> > invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."

> > Elaine Boosler

> >

> > "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

> > Phyllis Diller

> >

> > "My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just

> > napping."

> > Rita Rudner

> >

> > "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

> > Henny Youngman

> >

> > At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't

> > you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other

> > replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

> > Anonymous

> >

> > "Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the

> > street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are

> > beautiful."

>

Town Hosts 'Frozen Dead Guy' Festival

Wed Mar 6,10:44 AM ET

DENVER (Reuters) - It's just the thing to brighten up a cold winter day, a sort of "Frosty the Snowman"

festival. But this one honors a "Frozen Dead Guy," the most famous "resident" in the town of Nederland,

Colorado.

That's right. The people of Nederland, about 40 miles northwest of Denver, are holding a festival this

weekend to honor the town's most famous dead resident -- Bredo Morstoel, who died in his native

Norway in 1989.

His devoted grandson Trygve Bauge shipped the body to Colorado and preserved it in a makeshift

cryogenics laboratory in a shed in his backyard for a day in the future when granddad could be thawed

and brought back to life.

But Bauge, who had never bothered to become a legal U.S. resident, was eventually deported and soon

town leaders learned of the odd preservation. They quickly passed a law preventing anyone else from

freezing a dead body.

Morstoel was of course "grandfathered" under the law and his remains have not been disturbed.

"He's still there. Things are still going well for him," state lawmaker Tom Plant of Nederland told

colleagues as he proposed proclaiming Saturday "Frozen Dead Guy Day." But he was turned down cold

by the legislature.

That won't stop the festival, which features a coffin race, according to Teresa Warren president-elect of

the Nederland Area Chamber of Commerce (news - web sites).

"We needed a winter festival," she said. "It's an opportunity to laugh at ourselves." Nederland is near

Eldora Ski Resort and local businesses have been trying to figure out a way to get skiers to stop and

spend a little money in town instead of just passing through, she said.

Besides the coffin race the town will offer a tour of the shed where grandpa is still being preserved at

minus 109 F.

There will also be a pancake breakfast and a "grandpa look-alike contest."

And it's definitely a posh affair. At the Grandpa Ball, Chip and the Chowderheads will be the featured

entertainment.

A portion of the proceeds will go toward keeping Moerstel's body frozen, Warren said.

-

> Subject: 3 men on a bench

>

> THREE MEN ARE SITTIN' ON A BENCH. ONE IS A TEXAN

> WEARING A STETSON; ONE IS

> A MUSLIM WEARING A TURBAN; ONE IS AN APACHE WITH AN

> EAGLE FEATHER WOVEN IN

> HIS HAIR.

>

> THE INDIAN IS RATHER GLUM AND SAYS, "ONCE MY PEOPLE

> WERE MANY, BUT NOW WE

> ARE FEW."

>

> THE MUSLIM PUFFS UP AND SAYS, "ONCE MY PEOPLE WERE

> FEW, BUT NOW WE ARE

> MANY MILLIONS."

>

> THE TEXAN ADJUSTS HIS HAT, FINISHES ROLLING A SMOKE,

> LEANS BACK IN HIS

> CHAIR AND DRAWLS, "THAT'S CAUSE WE AIN'T PLAYED

> COWBOYS AND MUSLIMS YET."

>

> Subject: Rational Questions

>

> Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,

> "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever

> comes out"?

>

> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast

> to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

>

> Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

>

> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is

> there a song about him?

>

> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the

> carpool lane?

>

> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a

> radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

>

> Why do people point to their wrist when asking for

> the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the

> bathroom is?

>

> Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get

> undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

>

> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on

> all fours? They're both dogs!

>

> What do you call male ballerinas?

>

> Why ARE Trix only for kids?

>

> If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that

> Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

>

> If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

>

> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality

> come from morons?

>

> Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

>

> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

>

> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's

> face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he

> sticks his head out the window?

 

> Ways to drive a roommate crazy

> 1. Twitch a lot.

> 2. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk

> to them.

> 3. Move your roommate's personal items around. Start subtlely.

> Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he

> owns to the ceiling.

> 4. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If

> your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face,

> "They're more than meets the eye."

> 5. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

> 6. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to

> masturbate while reading them.

> 7. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you

> think the dog ate.

> 8. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

> 9. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list

> of grievances.

> 10. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

> 11. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned,

> and then look away quickly.

> 12. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

> 13. Pray to Azlatoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

> 14. Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.

> Refuse to discuss them.

> 15. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start

> with "Didja ever wonder why . . . ?" Be creative.

> 16. Shave one eyebrow.

> 17. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and

> pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate

> comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

> 18. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain

> loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

> 19. Give him/her an allowance.

> 20. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave

> the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If

> he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.

> 21. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.

> 22. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and

> giggle to yourself.

> 23. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

> 24. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a

> towel, and go shower too.

> 25. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like

> you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks,

> say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

> 26. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

> 27. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

> 28. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

> 29. Let mice loose in his/her room.

> 30. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer

> a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then

> ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that

> you don't trust your ceiling.

> 31. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the

> fort for an entire weekend.

> 32. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in

> his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.

> 33. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray

> three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

> 34. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of

> breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through

> carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

> 35. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't

> looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your

> roommate turns around. Drink it.

> 36. Don't ever flush.

> 37. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.

> 38. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you

> walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

> 39. Lick him/her while they are asleep.

> 40. Masturbate regularly a lot and without shame. Tell your roommate you

> feel it should be more socially acceptable and you are doing your part.

> 41. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far,

> and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes.

> Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of

> laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

> 42. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going

> away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If

> your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.

> 43. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell

> him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.

> 44. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it.

> Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you

> again."

> 45. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up

> melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your

> roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.

> 46. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey

> them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns

> until he/she pays the tickets.

> 47. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate

> Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with

> a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.

> 48. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your

> collection of "rare gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised

> and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the

> gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.

> 49. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream

> hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

> 50. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you

> upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do push-ups. Keep

> saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."

> 51. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit

> into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your

> roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

> 52. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she

> is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your

> roommate every morning.

> 53. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as

> loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes.

> Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

> 54. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look

> at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

> Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops

> out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

> 55. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate

> eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

> 56. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep

> one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

> 57. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When

> your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

> 58. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a

> prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If

> your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she

> hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon.

> 59. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about

> the poor picture quality.

> 60. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour

> every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and

> lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for

> your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the

> window again.

> 61. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one

> after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others.

> Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it.

> Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

> 62. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your

> roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your

> roommate to bring you food and water.

> 63. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling

> your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.

> 64. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so

> often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are

> calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm

> sorry. I won't do that any more, Murray."

> 65. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

> 66. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he

> knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty

> side of the room with concern.

> 67. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,

> screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say,

> "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

> 68. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended,

> throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up,

> explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

>

>

Billboards

Some billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some

reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper

listed all of them.

Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks"

billboards.

The billboards are a simple black background with white

text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

These are awesome...enjoy.

Tell the kids I love them

-God

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.

-God

C'mon over and bring the kids.

-God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?

-God

We need to talk.

-God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.

-God

Loved the wedding, now invite me into the marriage.

-God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.

-God

I love you and you and you and you and...

-God

Will the road you're on get you to my place?

-God

Follow me.

-God

Big bang theory?... You've got to be kidding!!!

-God

My way is the highway.

-God

Need directions?

-God

You think it's hot here?

-God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There'll be a test.

-God

Do you have any idea where you're going?

-God

(And my personal favorite...)

Don't make me come down there!!!

-God