January
Try this, then scroll down for answers...
> 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
> 2) Which country makes Panama hats?
> 3) From which animal do we get catgut?
> 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
> 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
> 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
> 7) What was King George VI's first name?
> 8) What color is a purple finch?
> 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
> 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
>
> PAGE DOWN TO FIND THE ANSWERS. NO CHEATING!
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> ____________________________________________________
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> Answers:
>
> 1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
> 2) Ecuador.
> 3) From sheep and horses.
> 4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
> 5) Squirrel fir.
> 6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
> 7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of
> Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
> 8) Distinctively crimson.
> 9) New Zealand.
> 10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
>
>
>
> Blonde Down on Her Luck
>
> A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business
> has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate
> that she decides to ask God for help.
>
> She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
> don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
> win the lotto."
>
> Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays..."God,
> please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going
> to lose my car as well."
>
> Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays...
> "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and
> my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I
> have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto
> this one time so I can get my life back in order."
>
> Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi
> is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Brandi, meet Me halfway on
> this. Buy a ticket."
>
>
>
> Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban Leader,
> and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round
> of Talks in a new anti-terrorism process.
>
> When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of
> Akhund's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes
> Akhund presses the first button.
>
> A boxing glove springs outof a box on the desk and punches
> President Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as
> Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed.
> This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again,
> Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting
> to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
>
> A little later when the third button is pressed. And another
> boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates,
> he has finally had enough. "I am heading back home!" he calmly
> tells the Afghan. "We will finish these Talks in Washington two
> weeks from now!"
>
> A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for the
> continuation of the Talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund
> notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself
> for the Texan's retaliation.
>
> They begin talking and George presses the first button.
> Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers
> and then they continue talking.
>
> A few minutes later he presses the second button.
> Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush
> falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
>
> "Forget this", says Akhund. "I am going back to
> Afghanistan!"
>
> George W. says, through tears of laughter...
> "What Afghanistan??"
>
>
> CHICAGO--The war on terrorism took a strange and sad
> turn Friday as airline officials at O'Hare
> International Airport refused to let a 73 year old
> grandmother board an plane. She had in her
> possession two, six inch knitting needles.
> Apparently, authorities were worried that
> she may knit an Afghan.
>
>
Laura Schlessinger is a
US radio personality who dispenses sex advice to
> people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an
> observant Orthodox Jew homosexuality is an abomination according to
> Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following
is
> an Open Letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on
> the Internet.
>
> Dear Dr. Laura:
>
> Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding
> God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your radio show, and I
try to
> share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to
> defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
> Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I
do
> need some advise from you, however, regarding some of the specific Bible
> laws and how to follow them.
>
> a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
> pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.
They
> claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
>
> b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
> 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for
her?
> She's 18 and starting University. Will the slave buyer continue to
pay
for
> her education by law ?
>
> c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
> period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do
I
> tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
>
> d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female,
> provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of
mine
> claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
> ....Why can't I own Canadians?
>
> e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
> clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him
> myself, or should this be a neighborhood improvement project?
>
> f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
> abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
> don't agree. Can you settle this?
>
> g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
> defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
my
> vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Would
contact
> lenses help ?
>
> h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around
> their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How
> should they die?
>
> i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
> unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
>
> j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
> crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
> different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
> and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
of
> getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16)
> Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do
> with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
>
> I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can
> help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
> unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
> The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
>
> I live in my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.
>
> I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "GUESS" on it. I said,
> "Implants?"
>
> I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just
> standing up really fast.
>
> Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
>
> Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
>
> I got a sweater for Christmas . . . I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
>
> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>
> I don't approve of political jokes . . . I've seen too many of them get
> elected.
>
> The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
> trade-in value.
>
> There are two sides to every divorce-yours and Shithead's.
>
> If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
> Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now
> THAT'S a message!!
>
> I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
> want to annoy for the rest of your life.
>
> Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
>
> I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
>
> I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me
> lately!
>
> Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
> I've stayed alive.
>
> Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
>
> If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits
> on the highway?
>
> How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for
> Miss America?
>
> Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
> section in a swimming pool?
>
> Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
>
> Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
>
> The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal
> probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
>
> Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
>
> Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't
> pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
>
> Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will
> leave a footprint on your heart.
>
>
>1. CURL UP AND DIE I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
>kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and
>a blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39, *** Seguin, TX ****
>2. PAD PLEASE: An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our
>mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me,
>and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to
>run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front
>of our guest. - Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC
>3. HO, HO, HO I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the
>bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess,
>he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They
>came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of
>our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture,
>laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I
>stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my
>son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a
>camera! - Name Withheld
>4. LADY GOLFER I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
>balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After
>browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
>good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help
>me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
>with men's balls,"- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
****** whoa !!!!
>5. NUTS ABOUT YOU My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
>that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
>boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
>just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the
>boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister
>has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
>6. PRICELESS A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When
>she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no
>price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
>intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
>THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the
>rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
>"THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the
>intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND
>YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
>7. MOM'S ADVICE A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
>the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
>attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
>embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he
>was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
>office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about
>it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion
>at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him
>sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to
>call your mom." She screamed. "I did," He said, "And she told me that if
>I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
>
>
> You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
> You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
> Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
> Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
> You burn your yard rather than mow it.
> You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
> The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
> Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to
> spare a loved one.
> You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
> it.
> You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
> You come back from the dump with more than you took.
> You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
> Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
> Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
> You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
> You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
> You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
> You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
> Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
> You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
> You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
> You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
> You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
> You have a rag for a gas cap.
> Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas
> dinner.
> Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
> You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
> You can spit without opening your mouth.
> You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
> it.
> Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
> You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
>
> You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on
> the side.
> The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
> Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
> You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
> You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
> You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
> Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
> you home.
> A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
> improvement.
> You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
> You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
> You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
> You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65MPH
>
>