> Ahab the Afghan goes to the United States from Kabul, and he's only

> here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after

> doctor, but none of them can help him.

>

> Finally, he goes to an Iranian doctor. The doctor says, "Take this

> bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and

> then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten

> minutes.

>

> Ahab takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket,

> pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten

> minutes.

>

> He comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked. I feel terrific.

> What was my illness?" The doctor says, "You were homesick"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engaged an

animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at

first,

but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the

following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come

once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee

twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this

country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a

justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very

> embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think

> before

> she speaks.

> What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

>

> True story...a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed

> to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob,

> where's that

> 8 inches you promised me last night?"

>

> Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they

> were

>

> laughing so hard.

>

>

>

> Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that

> they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's

> day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get

> mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a

> bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.

>

>

> Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

>

> "Osama Bin Laden" David says.

>

> "Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

>

>

> "Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy

> could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to

> think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a

> little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to

> Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over

> the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't

> hate anyone anymore."

>

> His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

>

> "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

>

> "I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the

> Marines could blow the shit out of him."

>

>

> Students at a Med School were receiving their first

> anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are

> all gathered around the surgery table with the body

> covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started

> the class by telling them:

>

> "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important

> qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is

> necessary that you don't get disgusted."

>

> The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger

> in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then

> stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.

>

> "Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his

> students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking

> turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it

> after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at

> them and told them:

>

> "The second important quality is observation.

> I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index.

> Pay attention people".

>

>

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/britney_breasts.asp

> What's the best form of birth control after 50?

>

> Nudity.

>

> ***************

>

> What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

>

> 45 lbs.

>

> ***************

>

> What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

>

> 45 minutes.

>

>

> ***************

>

> How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

>

> None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

>

> ***************

>

> Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,

> and good looking?

>

> Because those men already have boyfriends.

>

> **************

>

> What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

>

> After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

>

> ***************

>

> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

>

> The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of

> driving.

>

> **************

>

> What do you call a smart blonde?

>

> A golden retriever.

>

> **************

>

> Why does the bride always wear white?

>

> Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove

> and refrigerator.

>

> **************

>

> A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in the third grade...who

> has the biggest boobs?

>

> The blonde, because she's 18.

>

> **************

>

> What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?

>

> Say, "Nice Dick."

>

> **************

>

> Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

>

> Because they have cotton balls.

>

> *************

>

> What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

>

> A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

>

>

> ***************

>

> What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

>

>

> "Are you sure it's mine?"

>

>

> **************

>

> What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

>

> Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

>

> **************

>

> Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

>

> Mace will do that to you.

>

>

> ***************

>

> Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

>

> Everyone has the same DNA.

>

> **************

>

> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the

> other?

>

> A speech impediment.

>

> ***************

>

> Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

>

>

> Breasts don't have eyes.

>

> ****************

>

> What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?

>

> A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the

> cage, along with a recipe.

>

> ***************

>

> What's the Cuban National Anthem?

>

> Row row row your boat.

>

> ***************

> What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern

> fairytale?

>

>

> A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern

> fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ....."

>

>