February, 2002 Clean Jokes
> It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear
> family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and
> sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his
> small bowl. It is empty. Who's been eating my
> porridge?!!," he squeaks.
> Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his
> big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also
> empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?," he roars.
> Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch
> from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many
> times do we have to go through this?
> "It was Momma Bear who got up first,
> "It was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house,
> "It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee,
> "It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from
> last night, and put everything away,
> "It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early
> morning air to fetch the newspaper,
> "It was Momma Bear who set the table,
> "It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the
> litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish,
> "And, now that you've decided to drag yourseves
> downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your
> grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to
> say this one more time ....
>
> "I HAVEN'T MADE THE STINKIN' PORRIDGE YET !!"
>
> Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up.
>
> Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle.
> "Master, may I grant you one wish?" asked the genie with a smile.
>
> "Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin'me
> nuttin!" barked Rodman.
>
> The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be
> returned to this bottle forever."
>
> Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it
> all, he said, "Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed
> in the morning, so just do it!"
>
> Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed, "Now leave me alone!"
>
> The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared back into the
> bottle.
>
> The next morning, Rodman woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
> Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
>
> His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health
> insurance.
>
>
> Bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A
>
> very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty
>
> thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
>
> She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
>
> luckier when I'm completely nude."
>
>
>
> With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the
>
> dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
>
>
>
> Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She
>
> jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
>
>
>
> She then picked up all the money and clothes and
>
> quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each
>
> other dumbfounded.
>
>
>
> Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
>
>
>
> The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were
>
> watching!"
>
>
As last year fades away and this one begins, here are a few things to
remember:
Love is grand.
Divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the
Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you
just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing
at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at
the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
And this one is the real truth, so pay attention:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stopped laughing.
> > > Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a
> > > young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban
> > > neighborhood. They
> parked
> > > their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the
> > > other
> end.
> > > At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched
> > > the
> two
> > > men as they checked her gas meter.
>
> > > Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his
> younger
> > > coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove
> > > that
> an
> > > older guy could outrun a younger one.
>
> > > As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from
> > > that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They
> > > stopped and asked her what was wrong.
>
> > > Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas
> company
> > > running as hard as you two were, I figured, 'HOLY MOLY!! I'M OUTTA
> HERE!!"
>
SOME OF THESE ARE PRETTY INTERESTING!
Did you know .........
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
** On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.**
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so - apart from Bones ).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations,implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I bet you tried to lick your elbow!
>
> > A DONKEY
> >
> > A city boy, John, moved to the desert and bought a donkey from an old
> >
> > farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
> >
> > The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some
> bad
> >
> > news, the donkey died."
> >
> > "Well, then, just give me my money back."
> >
> > "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
> >
> > "OK, then, just unload the donkey."
> >
> > "What ya gonna do with him?"
> >
> > "I'm going to raffle him off."
> >
> > "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
> >
> > "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
> >
> > A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Hey
> John,
> what
> >
> >
> > happened with that dead donkey?"
> >
> > "I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars a
> piece
> and
> >
> > made a profit of $898.00"
> >
> > "Didn't anyone complain?"
> >
> > "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
> >
> > God, I love living in Texas.
> >
> >
> A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire
> herself out as a "handywoman," and started canvassing
> at a nearby affluent neighborhood. She went to the front door of the
> first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs she could do.
>
> "Well, how much do you want to paint my porch?" he
> asked.
>
> The blonde, after surveying, responded, "How about
> $50?"
>
> The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials that
> she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house,
> heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that
> the porch goes all the way around the house?"
>
> The man replied, "She should. She was standing right
> there."
>
> A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect
> her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
>
> "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had lots of extra
> paint left over, so I gave it two more coats."
>
> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.
>
> "And by the way," the blonde adds as she purses her earnings, "it's
> not a porch, it's a Lexus."
>
> There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they
> lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English,but
> managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose
> whenever she had to shop for groceries.
>
> One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She
> didn't know how to put forward her request,and in desperation, lifted
> up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the
> lady went home with
> pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she
> didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the
> butcher
> her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady
> needed
> to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought
> her
> husband to the store...
>
> (Please scroll page down.)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> What were you thinking?
>
> Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
>
> Now get back to work...........
>
The Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors or Similes
20> Worn down at the edges like a Times Square hooker, the
caretaker's last tooth lay on the floor like a yellow Chiclet.
19> When she stepped out of her dress, she had the body of a
90-year-old nun, if the nun looked as young, attractive,
and sexy as the dame standing in front of me.
18> The situation had become topsy-turvy -- like Christmas in the
summer, if you're in Australia.
17> The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like
an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive
explosion.
16> As I watched through the slatted shades, her bosom bounce like
her suspicious husband's first check.
15> The killer was a misplaced comma in the jaunty, happy sentence
that made up the party crowd.
14> His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those
pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the
kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw -- and it had been
out in the heat too long.
13> Like any family, this house had its secrets, secrets it grimly
refused to reveal, and would continue to refuse to reveal even
if it could speak, which unlike a family, or at least most
members of most families, it couldn't.
12> The air of danger perversely made Nina's nipples harden,
like that Magic Shell stuff on a bowl of ice cream.
11> From his vantage point in the balcony, the would-be assassin
looked down on the debating candidates like a webhead looking
down on an AOL user.
10> The sudden darkness made the Countess tense, like Bobby Jerome
that time with the bicycle in 7th grade, remember?
9> There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene
that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the
thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day,
like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from
the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that
get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left,
on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with
a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically
straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make every-
thing you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar
and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously
-- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night
while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared
to have done.
8> Her parting words lingered heavily inside me like last night's
Taco Bell.
7> The bullet burned Gilmore's gut like the first piss after a
long night in a Singapore brothel.
6> A single drop of sweat slowly inched down Chad's brow --
a tiny, glistening Times Square New Year's Eve Ball of
desperation.
5> His .38 barked fire, like John Goodman's butt after a chili
cookoff.
4> Her blazing eyes dance like Astaire and Rogers, but since they
were crossed, it was an ocular tango, and my eyes had to
foxtrot just to maintain eye contact.
3> She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and
the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.
2> The neon sign reflected off his gun, like the moonlight
reflects off my brother-in-law's bald head after a night
of beer drinking and cow-tipping.
and Number 1 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphor or Simile...
1> Unable to contain his rage, he burst like a pimple of emotion,
the pus of his fury streaking the mirror of calm in the
bathroom of his life.
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
> Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil,"
> Libya,
>
> China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as
> Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid
> Iran-Iraq-North Korea
>
> axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
>
> Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as
> having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as
> Evil... in their
> dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows
> we're
> the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best." Diplomats from
>
> Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they
> conceded
>
> they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it
> was
>
> full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
>
> "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi
> President
>
> Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II
> you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only
> have three,
> and a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
>
> THE AXIS PANDEMIC
> International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift,
> as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious
> nations rushed
> to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical musical
>
> chairs.
> Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat
> Evil",
>
> forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of
> Occasionally
>
> Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of
> Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable".
>
> With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs
> filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called
> the "Axis of
> Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host
>
> the Olympics"; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of
> Nations
>
> That
> Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About
> America",
>
> while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the "Axis of
> Countries
>
> That Allow Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really,
> just
>
> something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack
>
> McConnell.
>
> While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps
> making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes,
> although he rejected
>
> the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in
> 'Guay'",
>
> accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials
> from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chad-guay denied the charges. Israel,
> meanwhile,
>
> insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders
> said that's only because no one asked them.
>
>
> Dear Reader,
>
> My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy.
>
> My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The
> reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick.
>
> I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to
> breathe.
>
> The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with
> leaves.
>
> The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us
> having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant,
> but we need more
> money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I
> said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives
>
> me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze
> and
> chafes her real bad.
>
> I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to
> everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too.
>
> Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to,
> Bill
> Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding,
> NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have
> the
> astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them
> better.
> Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up
> a
> collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors
> could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play
> baseball. Right now I can only be third base.
>
> Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more
> prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.
>
> Please help me! Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my
> leaves
>
> to rot before I turn 10!
>
> If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean
> and
>
> heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a
> head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own
> guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death
> and then burn forever
> in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five
> freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel
>
> guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?
>
> Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a
> kitty. I
> wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew
> on
> me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that
> very much.
>
> Thank You,
> Billy "Smiles" Evans
>
> P.S. You can send the money to the person who sent you this because
> that
> person is very trustworthy.
>
>
>
Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop yer firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
> http://www.witcity.com/enron/
>>The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
>>human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No
>>one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
>>not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
>>parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
>>you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks
>>ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases
>>to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open;
>>then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big
>>trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
>>"Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
>>"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the
>>pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to
>>Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to
>>say:
>>(1) you have a dirty mind,
>>(2) you didn't read your homework, and
>>(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
>
>
>Here is the lost paragraph in GENESIS....So God asked Adam, "What is wrong
>with you?"
>
>Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
>
>God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
>woman.
>
>God said, "This person will gather food for you, and when you discover
>clothing she'll wash it for you.
>
>She will always agree with every decision you make.
>
>She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of
>the night to take care of them.
>
>She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong
>when you've had a disagreement.
>
>She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
>whenever you need it."
>
>Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
>
>God replied, "An arm and a leg."
>
>Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
>
>And the rest is history . . .
>
MOM taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning!"
MOM taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
MOM taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
MOM taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
MOM taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
MOM taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
MOM taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
MOM taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
MOM taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
MOM taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
MOM taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you
listen
then?"
MOM taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't
exaggerate!!!"
MOM taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
MOM taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do!"
And most of all ..... MOM taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."