> > Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking

> > >together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of

> it.

> > >"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total,"

> says

> > the Genie.

>

> > >> The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son

> > >> will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

> > >>With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was

> > >>forever made fertile for farming.

>

> > >> Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around

> > >>Afganistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our

> > >precious state."

> > >> Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall

> > >>around Afganistan.

>

> > >> "Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks,

> > >>"I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

> > >>The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick

> and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or

> > >>out---virtually impenetrable."

>

> > >> "UncleSam" says, "Fill it with water."

>

>

>

>

> >This just in from the Pentagon War Room:

> >

> >Killing Osama Bin Laden will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner

> >will inspire comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

> >

> >Therefore, the plan is to do neither.

> >

> >We send in the Special Forces or Seals, covertly capture him, fly him to

> >an undisclosed hospital, and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex

> >change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman

> >under the Taliban!

>

>

> > Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

>

> > A: One.

>

> > Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house

> knows HOW

> > to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED

> OUT!

> > They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

>

> > And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light

> bulbs

> > despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17

> YEARS!

>

> > But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the

> chair

> > they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE

> IN

> > THE SAME SPOT!!

>

> > AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID !#$% LIGHT

> > BULBS CAME IN!

>

> > WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!

>

> > IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT

> ARE

> > 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN

> THIS

> > HOUSE!

>

> > . . . . . . . . . I'm sorry. . . what did you ask me?

>

> > HEADLINES OF THE FUTURE

> >

> > Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

> >

> > Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of

> > Monopoly Charges

> >

> > 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

> >

> > Baby Conceived Naturally

> >

> > It Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays

> >

> > Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just

> > For Fun"

> >

> > Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past

> > With US President

> >

> > Florida to Be Readmitted to Union

> >

> > Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock

> >

> > Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. "This Is

> > True Love," He Beams.

> >

> > Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In DC

> >

> > President "Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice "Mad Dog" Ortega In

> > Cage Match!

> >

> > Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens

> >

> > Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

> >

> > Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

> >

> > Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

> >

> > DC Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

> >

> > Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's

> >

> > Nursing Home

> > Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations

> >

>

Subject: little test from the Secret Service

Don't cheat!!!  Count the number of    F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?  Scroll down only after you have counted them!

OK?
How many?

Three???????

WRONG - there are six - no joke!

> After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

> While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the

>

> Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her

> parents

> and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

>

> They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you!

> We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

>

> When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful

> place! How do I get in?"

>

> "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

>

> "Which word?", the woman asked.

>

> "Love."

>

> The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into

> Heaven.

>

> About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to

> watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding

> the

> Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

>

> "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

>

> "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

> "I

> married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

>

> And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and

>

> bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We

> were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my

> head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

>

> "You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

>

> "Which word?", her husband asked.

>

> "Czechoslovakia."

> > T-Shirt Slogans

> >

> > 1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Seen on Cape Cod)

> >

> > 2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

> >

> > 3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

> >

> > 4. "Procrastinate Now."

> >

> > 5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

> >

> > 6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

> >

> > 7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

> >

> > 8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

> >

> > 9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since

> > 15."

> >

> >

> > 10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."

> >

> > 11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."

> >

> > 12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

> >

> > 13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."

> >

> > 14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

> >

> > 15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

> >

> > 16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

> >

> > 17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."

> >

> > 18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."

> >

> > 19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

> >

> > 20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."

> >

> > 21. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."

> >

> > 22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go on."

> >

> > 23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

> >

> > 24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

> >

> > 25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand

> times

> > the > memory."

> >

> > 26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through with it."

> >

> > 27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

> >

> > 28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment

> for

> > a > pig."

> >

> > 29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

> >

> > 30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

> >

> > 31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

> >

> > 32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

> >

> > 33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson."

> >

> > 34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."

> >

> > 35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."

> >

> > 36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

> >

> > 37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."

> >

> > 38. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning >

> medicine."

> >

> > 39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

> >

> > 40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he

> > was > > God, and I didn't."

> I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention

> Deficit Disorder

>

> This is how it goes:

>

> I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on

> the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST I'm going to go

> through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk

> mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the

> bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm

> going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes, Now where

> is the checkbook?

>

> Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh,

> there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to

> look for those checks... BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the

> kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers

> need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra

> pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll

> just put them away... BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the

> door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay,

> I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need to find

> those checks.

>

> END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the

> sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, .. And,

> when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled

> because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

>

> I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST...I think

> I'll check my Mail.

>

>

>

> >>A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and

> >> > suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to

> >> > the hospital

> >> > where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to

> >> > blister.

> >> > Anything that touched him caused agony.

> >> >

> >> > The attending Doctor prescribed continued intravenous

> >> > feeding

> >> > of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

> >> >

> >> > "What good will Viagra do him in that condition" the nurse

> >> > inquired.

> >> >

> >> > It will keep the sheet off of him. "

>

>

> Q. What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the same time but

> play different songs?

>

> A. A senseless act of violins.

>

>

> When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered

> that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the

> problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen

> that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any

> surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing

> to 300C.

>

> The Russians used a pencil.

>

>