> : Tower / Cockpit Shenanigans
>
> Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor?
> Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline
> and control towers from around the world:
>
> During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.
> Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
> United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed
> out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are
> you going?. I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way;
> you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's
> difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but
> get it right". Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed
> crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've
> screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out.
> You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to.
> You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a
> half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
> when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air
> 2771??"
>
> The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". Naturally, the
> 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent after the
> verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to
> engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
> Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
>
> Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of
> the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence
> and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
>
> -------------------------------------------------------
>
> The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727
> on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle,
> usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of
> the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand
> dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
>
> Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give
> me four thousand dollars worth!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with
> his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower:
> "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not
> able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a
> right at the light to return to the airport".
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper
> Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in
> order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-
> two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three
> miles."
>
> Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
>
> KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu,
> eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
>
> Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl):
> "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if
> it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Unknown Aircraft: "I'm @#$% bored!".
>
> Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
> yourself immediately!!"
>
> Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was @#$% bored, not @#$% stupid!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
> on 124.7."
>
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...
> by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead
> animal on the far end of the runway."
>
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
> Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
> Continental 635?"
>
> Continental 635, "cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we
> copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a
> short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's
> gate parking location but how to get there without any
> assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we
> (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between
> Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call
> sign "Speedbird 206")after landing:
>
> Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206
> clear of the active runway."
>
> Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!" The big
> British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed
> to a stop.
>
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
>
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our
> gate location now."
>
> Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff
> you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
>
> Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another
> type of Boeing, didn't stop."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start
> clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio
> since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation
> I overheard: (I don't recall call signs any longer)
>
> Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance
> time?"
>
> Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak
> English."
>
> Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane,
> in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
>
> Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer)
> "Because you lost the bloody war!"
>
>
>
>>>> >THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE
REALWORLD.
>>
>>A person needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.
>>If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it
>>moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
>>
>>Any and all compliments can be handled by simply
>>saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with
>>a Southern accent.
>>
>>Some people are working backstage, some are playing
>>in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are
>>in the audience as critics, some are there to
>>applaud. Know who and where you are.
>>
>>Never give yourself a haircut after three
>>margaritas.
>>
>>When baking, follow directions. When cooking,
>>go by your own taste.
>>
>>Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the
>>waiter.
>>
>>If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only
>>the other person.
>>
>>The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
>>relationship: "I apologize" and "You are
right".
>>
>>Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>>
>>When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
>>It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
>>
>>If he says that you are too good for him-believe it.
>>
>>I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will
>>this matter one year from now? How about one month?
>>One week? One day?
>>
>>Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
>>
>>If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have
>>another chance!
>>
>>Living well really is the best revenge.
>>
>>Being miserable because of a bad or former
>>relationship just proves that the other person was
>>right about you.
>>
>>Be really nice to your friends because you never
>>know when you are going to need them to empty
>>your bed pan and hold your hand.
>>
>>Work is good but it's not important.
>>
>>Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
>>
>>You are the only person who can truly make you
>>happy.
>>
>>And finally.. Being happy doesn't mean everything's
>>perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond
>>the imperfections.
>>
>>
Here are some good words to live
by.
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in
front
of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks
about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full?
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles
and poured them
into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The
pebbles, of course,
rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled everything else.
"Now," said the professor,
"I want you to recognize that this is your
life." "The rocks are the
important things - your family, your partner,
your health - anything
that is so important to you that if were lost,
you would be nearly destroyed.
The pebbles are the other things that matter
like your job, your house,
and your car. The sand is everything else. The
small stuff." "If you put
the sand into the jar first, there is no room
for the pebbles, and the rocks.
The same goes for your life. If you spend all
your energy and time on the
small stuff, you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to
your happiness. Play with
your children. Take time to get medical
checkups. Take your wife out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean
the house, give a dinner party
and fix the disposal." "Take care of
the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just
sand."
You Know You're in Southern California if...
You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work and hour early to avoid
all the weather-related accidents.
Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.
You can't remember... is pot legal?
You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm
donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,
and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember... is pot legal?
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You know which nights Wolfgang is actually cooking at Spago's...and make
reservations weeks in advance
If your market doesnt have pitted calamatas (organically-grown), imported
italian proscuito and free range chickens (corn fed), you dont even
bother to shop there.
There are twenty-six ways you can order your tea, lets not even DISCUSS
coffee
The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and
looks like George Clooney, is George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep
is a guy in drag.
You whip out the down ski jacket if it dips below 80 degrees
You dont mind paying $14 for a martini, the problem is...what KIND of
martini should you have?
You have a masseuse, a trainer, a shrink and a psychic and so does your
dog.
It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about
"THE IMPENDING STORM!"
Hey... is pot legal?
Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La,
Santa, De La, or De Los.
Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
You actually know of a great club that's "HOT" on a sunday night
(and
packed)
You pass a metered space on the street eighteen feet prior to the valet
stand.
A family of four owns six vehicles.
Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and
snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over
almost as soon as you realize what's happening.
Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
Yeah, you're sure...? pot is legal.
And finally, a question:
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw
in hot tubs.
:-)
A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
house.
She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.
She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him
happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would
leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and
left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got
home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and
waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
Husband: "Needs ironing!"
Inrersting
tidbits of information.
Think you know everything?
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on
4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in
"do
us": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina
de
los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful
Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only
the left
hand.
Now you know everything....
OMG, I was CRACKING UP reading
these!!!
OFFICE DARES
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other
'non-player'
must be in the bathroom at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say
"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears
and
grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
huskily,
"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barrelled
fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all
that,
I don't want to have to repeat it".
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light witch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
number
two".
5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As
In
"the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my
witness,
I'll never go hungry again".
9) In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in
tights".
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
trade?".
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do
you
hear that?" "What? ""Never mind, it's gone now".
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't
talk
about it".
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
lunch
for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very
important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
pants
and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Subject: The World at Night
This is a cool sight.
http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/image/0011/earthlights_dmsp_big.jpg
A bear walks into a bar in Billings,Montana and sits down. He bangs
on
the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in
bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer
to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the
woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
> >keep going.....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >>
> >> The bartender says, "You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate."
Think Back...
Close your eyes, and go back . . . Before the Internet or the MAC, Before
semiautomatics and crack. Before chronic and indo;
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo.
Way back...
I'm talking about hide and go seek at dusk. Sitting on the porch,
hot bread
and butter. Eating a 'super-dooper sandwich' (Dagwood) Red
light! Green
light! 123!
Chocolate milk. Lunch tickets. Penny candy in a brown paper bag.
Hopscotch,
butterscotch, double Dutch, Jacks, kickball, dodgeball, y'all!
Mother, May I? Hula Hoops and Sunflower Seeds, Jawbreakers,
blowpops,
MaryJanes. Running through the sprinkler!
I can't get wet! All right, well, don't wet my hair. The smell
of the sun
and licking salty lips.
Wait. . .
Catching lightening bugs in a jar. Playing sling shot and Red Rover.
When
around the corner seemed far away, And going downtown seemed
like going
somewhere.
Bedtime, climbing trees, a million mosquito bites and sticky fingers.
Cops
and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, Sitting on the curb. Jumping
down the
steps, jumping on the bed.
Pillow fights. Being tickled to death. Running till you were
out of
breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt!
Being tired from playing....remember that?
I ain't finished just yet . . .
What about the girl that had the big bubbly handwriting? Licking the
beaters when your mother made a cake.
Remember when . . .
When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF
Flyers),
and the only time you wore them at school was for "gym".
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there. When
nobody
owned a purebred dog.
When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When
your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their
hair done, everyday.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped without
asking, for free, every time.
You didn't pay for air....or drinking water. And, you got trading
stamps to
boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside
the
box.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry
groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a
real
restaurant with your parents.
The price of gas was affordable. Milk came in jars with real bottle
caps.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate
that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by
shootings, drugs, or gangs.
Disapproval of our parents and grandparents was a much bigger threat!
If you can remember any of these things, I smile with you. Talk of
these
things to your children. Don't let these memories fade away
completely.
Just talking to your children, friends, or loved ones, and trading
memories
is a joy. Life goes quickly. Seize it!
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody
sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee
wimp.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?
Where
ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a
taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys,
he's
one of us!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes
their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I
would like a Coke,"
said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little
piggy. The
drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little
piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third
little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you
only ordered
water"?
The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all
the way
home!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~
