A man goes to the White House and asks to see

President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy

that Clinton isn't President any longer, please leave.

The man goes away.

> >

The next day he comes back to the White House and asks

to see President Clinton. Marine on duty tells the guy

that Clinton is not the President any longer, please

go away. The man goes away.

> >

The next day he comes back again, and again the same

Marine is on duty. The man asks to see President

Clinton and the Marine says, "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING

HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT PRESIDENT

ANYMORE!" The man smiles happily and says, "I know, I

just like hearing it."

** We've Got Mail!

The pen may or may not be mightier than the sword, but words can

really tick people off. Here's a sampling of responses to the

Queen's (and sometimes the pauper's) English as seen in the

Daily:

Jeff Dorn (mailto:jdorn@gpo.gov), objected to our "verbing" of

the word architect in "Microsoft Teams Up With Manugistics And

KPMG"

http://update.informationweek.com/cgi-bin4/flo?y=eDRJ0BcqZZ0V20Msq0AA .

"I just noticed this in one of your articles: 'KPMG will pitch

these Microsoft products to their customers. The companies will

work together to rearchitect Manugistics' software...'

"The use of the word architect as a verb really irks me.

Architect is not a verb. It is perfectly acceptable to refer to

the architecture of a network, or any other engineered system.

But in our industry, this has somehow led to countless references

to 'architecting' and 'architect,' as in 'we will architect a

solution for your business,' and so forth. And now we even have

the ability to rearchitect! Amazing!"

Our apologies, Jeff. I think we "undergrammared" that one.

Clivie Goodwin (mailto:clivieg@us.ibm.com) has a problem with our

use of the word "indexes" rather than "indices" in our Tech

Stocks stories. We'll spare our kind readers Clivie's scurrilous

attack on journalists for following popular use of the language.

We just hope he stays calm while reading our upcoming special

report about "referendums" and "antennas."

And just when we thought Clivie'd gone round the bend over a

simple word, we received several E-mails from sincere, but very

irate, readers who did not want to see the word p*rn (rhymes with

horn) in any corner of our newsletters--even stories talking

about how it is too easy for people to view adult material online

at work. We don't suppose it will help matters to remind people

that the word is harmless. It only describes controversial

content. But just to be on the safe side, we're killing outright

our planned "Playmates of IT" edition.

Last but not least, we give you Bill Anspach

(mailto:BAnspach@RGIS.com), who read our story "Will Leaner,

Risque Yahoo Be More Profitable?"

http://update.informationweek.com/cgi-bin4/flo?y=eDRJ0BcqZZ0V20Msr0AB

That was the story about how Yahoo is reportedly planning to sell

what some would consider p*rn (rhymes with corn). "I hope several

readers will join me in being offended at the innocuous term

'adult entertainment." Bill's suggestion? Oh, never mind.

-----------------------------------------

> For all the men on the list....just pass this along to your girlfriends

>

>

> Raise your big toes and repeat after me:

>

> As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the rules when

> I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes.

>

> I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and

> touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides

> and tops of my feet will not budge out between the straps.

>

> I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and

> chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

>

> I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

>

> I will shave the hairs off my big toe. I won't wear pantyhose even if my

> misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam

> really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

>

> If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place

> hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

>

> I will not live in corn denial, rather I will lean on my good friend Dr.

> Scholls if my feet need him.

>

> I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Target for the low, low price

> of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes.

> This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can

> walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take

> someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

>

> I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and

> begin to look like Vienna sausages.

>

> If I have been privy to the magic that is Foot Soap, I will share that

> knowledge and experience with the non-initiated.

>

> I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks

> me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that

> her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look

> good.

>

> This is my summer shoe pledge to you.

>

>

>

> How much does this guy like biking?! This ad appeared in the Arkansas

> Democrat-Gazette. The unfortunate photographic illusion was quickly

> noticed (look at the bike seat) and action was taken to correct the

> advertisement, but not before the image made it to the news stand. They

> should have used a bike seat that was not tan in color!!

> This was also featured on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

> The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol

> content.

> 1. I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they all know me here.

> 2. I saw a heavy woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,

> "Thyroid problem?"

> 3. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by

> standing up really fast.

> 4. Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

> 5. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live

> with.

> 6. I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

> 7. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

> 8. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get

> elected.

> 9. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no

> trade-in value.

> 10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*thead's!

> 11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,

> make Bloody Marys.

> 12. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person

> you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

> 13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

> 14. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

> 15. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving

> me lately!

> 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive

> days I've stayed alive.

> 17. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

> 18. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one

> busted condom?

> 19. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius... I told a friend my plan to

> attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

> 20. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

> 21. Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so

> old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

> 22. Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and

> can see your rear end without turning around.

> 23. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead

> rabbits on the highway?

> 24. Welcome To Sh*t Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

> 25. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for

> Miss America?

> 26. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and

> lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling

> well?

> 27. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door

> you're on.

> 28. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing

> section in a swimming pool?

> 29. Marriage changes passion......suddenly you're in bed with a

> relative.

> 30. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

> 31. Old is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."

> 32. The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage

> disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this

> world.

> 33. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

> 34. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:

> "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

>

>

> > >Sitting behind a couple of nuns at the football game, three men

> > >decided to badger the nuns in an effort, to get them to move.

> > >

> > >In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move

> > >to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there..."

> > >

> > >The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana,

> > >there are only 50 Catholics living there..."

> > >

> > >The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho, there

> > >are only 25 Catholics living there..."

> > >

> > >One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men,

> > >and calmly said, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any

> > >Catholics there."

Let's see if I understand America - the last 20 years....

>

> If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap

> while driving, she blames the restaurant.

>

> If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll musician

> he liked.

>

> If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your

> family blames the tobacco company.

>

> If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the

> school for poor sex education.

>

> If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame

> the bartender.

>

> If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was

> dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

>

> If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

>

> If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun

> manufacturer.

>

> And, if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the

> pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of

> the deceased blames the airline.

>

> Weird, I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is.

>

> If I die in front of my computer, I want you to blame and sue Bill Gates,

> OK?

>

> John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they

> were walking passed the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into

> the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

>

> David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool

> and pulled John out.

>

> The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately

> ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he

> considered him to be OK.

>

> The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good

> news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your

> sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must

> be mentally stable.

>

> The bad news is that the patient whom you saved hung himself in the

> bathroom, and died."

>

> David replied, "Oh no Doc, he didn't hang himself; I hung him there to

> dry."

>

>

> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, and they could barely

> see

> over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an

> intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

>

> The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it.

> I

> could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more

> minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again,

> they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the

> light had

> been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

>

> She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the

> next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went

>

> right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did

> you know

> we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us."

>

> Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My! Am I driving?"

>

>

>

>

>