July, 2001  Clean Jokes     

Now see attached picture.

IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN:

>Understanding Women: Basic Course in Linguistics
 Fine:
> This is the word women use at the end of any
> argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you
> up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks.  This will
> cause you to have one of those arguments.

> Five minutes:
> This is half an hour.  It is equivalent to the five
> minutes that your football game is going to last before you
> take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.
 
> Nothing:
> This means something and you should be on your toes.
> "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has
> of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
> "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five
> Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
 
> Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
> This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
> getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

> Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
> This means "I give up" or "do what you want because
> I don't care".  You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in
> just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and
> she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

> Loud Sigh:
> This is not actually a word, but is still often a
> verbal statement very misunderstood by men.  A "Loud Sigh"
> means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and
> wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
> with you over "Nothing".

> Soft Sigh:
> Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.  "Soft
> Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually
> understand.  She is content.  Your best bet is to not move or
> breathe and she will stay content.

> Oh:
> This word followed by any statement is trouble.
> Example; "Oh, let me get that".  Or, "Oh, I talked to him about
> what you were doing last night".  If she says "Oh" before a
> statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.  She will tell
> you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your
> clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for
> at least! 2 days.  "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually
> signifies that you are caught in a lie.  Do not try to lie more to
> get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead"
> followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to
> write about them.

> That's Okay:
> This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
> woman can say to a man.  "That's Okay" means that she wants to
> think long and hard before paying you retributions for
> what ever it is that you have done.  "That's Okay" is often used
> with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised
> eyebrow "Go Ahead".  At some point in the near future when she
> has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
 
> Please Do:
> This is not a statement, it is an offer.  A woman is
> giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or
> reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.
> You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you
> shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

> Thanks:
> A woman is thanking you.  Do not faint, just say
> you're welcome.

> Thanks A Lot:
> This is much different than "Thanks".  A woman will
> say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you.
> It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous
> way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh".  Be careful not
> to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will
> only tell you "Nothing".

> A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C.,  gets in a car accident and falls
> into a deep coma.  Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees
> that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her
> baby.
>
> The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. Your brother
> from Maryland came in and named them."
>
> The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ...  he's not very
> bright!"  She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
>
>   "Denise."
>
> "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it!  What's the boy's name?"
>
>   "Denephew."

> >>A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting
> >>her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She
> mentioned
> >>the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, 
> >>"Rome?" Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and
> >>full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting
> >>there?"
>
> >>"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
>
> >>"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible
> >>airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
> they're
> >>always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?"
>
> >>"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank
> >>called Teste."
>
> >>"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's
> >>gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the
> worst
> >>hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're
>
> >>overpriced.  So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
>
> >>"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
>
> >>"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
> >>trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
> >>this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
>
> >>A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The
> >>hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
>
> >>"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time
> >>in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they
>
> >>bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had
> a
> >>handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the
> hotel
> >>-- it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and
> now
> >>it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked,
> so
> >>they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
>
> >>"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I
> >>know you didn't get to see the Pope."
> 
> >>"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
> Swiss
> >>Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes
> >>to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
> >>private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough,
> five
> >>minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I
> knelt
> >>down and he spoke a few words to me."
> 
> >>"Oh, really...What'd he say?"
>
> >>He said, "Where'd you get the crummy hairdo?"
>

Jokes for Women 
> My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
> happy tonight."
>
> He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the
> doorknobs... he couldn't get back in.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
> the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if  I
> mowed the lawn like this?" They'd think that I'd married you for your
> money!" she replied.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Q : What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles?
> A : Reload and carry on shooting.
>
> Q : Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
> A : Because it only attacks the brain.
>
> Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
> A : A rumor.
>
> Q : What takes longer to make - a snowman or snowwoman?
> A : The snowman, because you have to hollow out the head first.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A couple are lying in bed.
>
> The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
>
> The woman says : "I will surely miss you."
>

THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW?

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to count until you found the letter "A"?
A. One thousAnd

Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

DID YOU KNOW?

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear & smell better.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:  Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -Charlemagne; Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.  Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific.  When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage.  If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "The whole 9 yards."

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.

> Just something that may brighten your day.
> Something to read for 1 minute when your kids are
> driving you nuts.
>
>
> >  We have repeatedly seen  the breakdown for the cost of
> >  raising a child, but this is the first time we see the rewards
> > listed this way.........It's nice!
>
> > The government recently calculated the cost of raising
> >  a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140!
> >  That doesn't even touch college tuition.   And that is per child.
>
> >  For those with children, that figure leads to wild
> >  fantasies about all the money we could have banked if
> >  not for (insert your child's name here). For others,
> >  that number might confirm the decision to remain
> >  childless.
>
> >  But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It
> >  translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or
> >  $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day! Just over
> >  a dollar an hour.
>
> >  Still, you might think the best financial advice says
> >  don't have children if you want to be "rich". It is
> >  just the opposite.
>
> >  What do you get for your $160,140?
>
> >  Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
>
> >  Glimpses of God every day.
>
> >  Giggles under the covers every night.
>
> >  More love than your heart can hold.
>
> >  Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
>
> >  Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
>
> >  A hand to hold, usually sticky.
>
> >  A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building
> >  sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the
> >  pouring rain.
>
> >  Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what
> >  the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
>
> >  For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
>
> >  You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play
> >  hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop
> >  believing in Santa Claus.
>
> >  You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of
> >  Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons,
> >  going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
>
> >  You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under
> >  refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle
> >  wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for
> >  Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for
> >  Father's Day.
>
> >  For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
>
> >  You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off
> >  the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the
> >  bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool,
> >  coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a
> >  baseball team that never wins but always gets treated
> >  to ice cream anyway.
>
> >  You get a front row seat to history;  witnessing the
> >  first step, first word, first bra, first date, and
> >  first time behind the wheel.
>
> >  You get to be immortal.
>
> >  You get another branch added to your family tree, and
> >  if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your
> >  obituary called grandchildren.
>
> >  You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal
> >  justice, communications, and human sexuality that no
> >  college can match.
>
> >  In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with
> >  God.
>
> >  You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away
> >  the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart,
> >  police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love
> >  them without limits, so one day they will, like you,
> >  love without counting the cost.
>
> >  ENJOY YOUR KIDS  !!!!!!
>
>
>
>

This is an amazing shot.  This came from a Rig Manager for Global
Marine Drilling in St. Johns, Newfoundland.  They actually have to divert
the path of these things away from the rig by towing them with ships!
 
Anyway, in this particular case the water was calm & the sun was almost
directly overhead so that the diver was able to get into the water and click

this pic. They estimated the weight at 300,000,000 tons.

This Is True.   The price for each water melon cost 80 dollars in Japan.
> They produce these water melon to fit the refrigerator.