January, 2001 Clean Jokes
Late Christmas Arrivals
Long load time, but cool optical illusions:
| Count
the legs and feet on the elephant.
Can you spot the dog in this picture?
Young Lady or Old Woman?
(Hint: the young lady's ear is the old woman's eye.)
Children at the window. Which way does the window face?
A woman's face or a saxophone player?
Woman sitting at her vanity or giant skull?
Can you see the word "Liar" written on this face?
Young Lady or Old Woman?
Giant
fish and man in a canoe...
|
> MONEY..............
> >
> > It can buy you a House, But not a Home
> >
> > It can buy you a Bed, But not Sleep
> >
> > It can buy you a Clock, But not Time
> >
> > It can buy you a Book, But not Knowledge
> >
> > It can buy you a Position, But not Respect
> >
> > It can buy you Medicine, But not Health
> >
> > It can buy you Blood, But not Life
> >
> > It can buy you Sex, But not Love
> >
> > So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be
> > bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!
> >
> > I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend, I
> > want to take away your needless pain and suffering....
> >
> > So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
> >
> > A truer Friend than me you will never find.
> >
> > CASH ONLY, PLEASE.
Ten Things men know for sure about women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear
and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned
to
his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear
replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass,
and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the
truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or
grizzly bear?"
The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear,
your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his
father and says, "Dad, don't think you're sparing my feelings if it's not
true.
I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear was
distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep
asking if you're 100% polar bear?"
"Because I'm freezing!"
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and
the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake
hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Subject: New Bumperstickers
If At First You Don't Succeed, blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like
Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
