-Texas Protocol

The new Texas White House in Crawford, Texas will soon be drawing a number

of people to that area, including many who are not used to southern

hospitality. They might find useful the following travel advice issued by

the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Northerners and Northeastern

Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just

a

diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they

know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubby, Bobby Ray,

Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.), or we will just HAVE to kick

your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's

a

called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up

or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to

an

ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you

(e.g.,Welty,

Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot

nicer.

Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner

Broadcasting, MCI World Com, MTV, Netscape, Dell computers). Naturally, we

do sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Duke, Barnes,

Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough

to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If

someone

tried to do that, we'd kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to

Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up

the

middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you

visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is. So, shut the hell up.

Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know

that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended-with gravy, and

don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know

better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago,

and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,

Delta

is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we

don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what

we're saying. All other Southerners understand what we're saying, and

that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick

your ass.

11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes

or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,

we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold

doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things

are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet

little

gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just

like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the

countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,

smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of

our fresh air, and we'll kick your sorry ass.

14) Nothing in California is Southern, so if you come down here, don't

think

you're one of us just because you say you're from Southern California.

Your

Mexicans didn't invent low riders, ours did, and the food is Tex Mex. It

isn't Cali Mex. You haven't contributed anything to the South so don't take

credit or we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to

barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're

lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you

will go home in a pine box....minus your ass.

"30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN" - Rated R

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality

from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in

the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out

a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about

to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from

the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that

mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother

went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked

him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain

about my cooking again!!!!!"