> At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards,

> finally shaking her head, "No."

> A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

> "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your

> dick' cards?"

>

> Carlos calls his boss one morning:

> "Hey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got a

> headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt. I not come

> work."

>

> The boss says:

> "You know Carlos, I really need you today. When I

> feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give a

> bl*&j$b. That makes me

> feel better and I can go to work. You should try

> that."

>

> 2 hours later Carlos calls back:

> "Boss, I did what you say and I feel great! I'll be

> at work soon. And by the way, you got a nice house."

> A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot

> sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or

> legs. The guy says under his breath -- "Jeesh! I

> wonder what happened to that poor parrot?"

>

> The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective

> parrot."

>

> "Jesus!" the guy replies. "You actually understood and

> answered me!"

>

> "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly

> intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird."

>

> "Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this ... how do

> you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

>

> "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but

> ... since you asked ... I wrap my willie around this

> wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it

> because of my feathers."

>

> "Wow!" says the guy, "You really can understand

> and speak English, can't you!?"

>

> "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I

> can converse with reasonable competence on almost

> any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,

> philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

> You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

>

> The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but

> I just can't afford that."

>

> "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the

> truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any

> feet. You can probably get me for $20 --just make

> the owner an offer!"

>

> The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

> Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has

> a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a

> great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes,

> and he's insightful. The guy is delighted!

>

> One day the guy comes home from work and the

> parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him

> over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell

> you this or not, but it's about your wife and the

> postman."

>

> "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

>

> "When the postman delivered today, your wife

> greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty

> and kissed him passionately."

>

> "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN

> what happened?"

>

> "Well, then the postman came into the house and

> lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over"

> reported the parrot.

>

> "My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

>

> "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down

> on his knees and began to lick her all over,

> starting with her breasts and slowly going down ... "

>

> "WELL? WELL?" demands the frantic guy, "THEN

> WHAT HAPPENED????"

>

> "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch. "

>