April, 2001 Clean Jokes
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You Know You're in Southern California if...
You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work and hour early to avoid
all the weather-related accidents.
Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.
You can't remember... is pot legal?
You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm
donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,
and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember... is pot legal?
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You know which nights Wolfgang is actually cooking at Spago's...and make
reservations weeks in advance
If your market doesnt have pitted calamatas (organically-grown), imported
italian proscuito and free range chickens (corn fed), you dont even
bother to shop there.
There are twenty-six ways you can order your tea, lets not even DISCUSS
coffee
The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and
looks like George Clooney, is George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep
is a guy in drag.
You whip out the down ski jacket if it dips below 80 degrees
You dont mind paying $14 for a martini, the problem is...what KIND of
martini should you have?
You have a masseuse, a trainer, a shrink and a psychic and so does your
dog.
It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about
"THE IMPENDING STORM!"
Hey... is pot legal?
Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La,
Santa, De La, or De Los.
Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
You actually know of a great club that's "HOT" on a sunday night
(and
packed)
You pass a metered space on the street eighteen feet prior to the valet
stand.
A family of four owns six vehicles.
Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and
snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over
almost as soon as you realize what's happening.
Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
Yeah, you're sure...? pot is legal.
And finally, a question:
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in
hot tubs.
:-)
A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house.
She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.
She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him
happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would
leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and
left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got
home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and
waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
Husband: "Needs ironing!"
Inrersting
tidbits of information.
Think you know everything?
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "do
us": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful
Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the
left
hand.
Now you know everything....
OMG, I was CRACKING UP reading these!!!
OFFICE DARES
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other
'non-player'
must be in the bathroom at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say
"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears
and
grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
huskily,
"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors
open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barrelled
fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all
that,
I don't want to have to repeat it".
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle
(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you
actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light witch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
number
two".
5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As
In
"the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and
mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my
witness,
I'll never go hungry again".
9) In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
trade?".
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do
you
hear that?" "What? ""Never mind, it's gone now".
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk
about it".
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
lunch
for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very
important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
pants
and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Subject: The World at Night
This is a cool sight.
http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/image/0011/earthlights_dmsp_big.jpg
A bear walks into a bar in Billings,Montana and sits down. He bangs
on
the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in
bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer
to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the
woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
> >keep going.....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >>
> >> The bartender says, "You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate."
Think Back...
Close your eyes, and go back . . . Before the Internet or the MAC, Before
semiautomatics and crack. Before chronic and indo;
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo.
Way back...
I'm talking about hide and go seek at dusk. Sitting on the porch, hot
bread
and butter. Eating a 'super-dooper sandwich' (Dagwood) Red light!
Green
light! 123!
Chocolate milk. Lunch tickets. Penny candy in a brown paper bag.
Hopscotch,
butterscotch, double Dutch, Jacks, kickball, dodgeball, y'all!
Mother, May I? Hula Hoops and Sunflower Seeds, Jawbreakers,
blowpops,
MaryJanes. Running through the sprinkler!
I can't get wet! All right, well, don't wet my hair. The smell of
the sun
and licking salty lips.
Wait. . .
Catching lightening bugs in a jar. Playing sling shot and Red Rover.
When
around the corner seemed far away, And going downtown seemed like
going
somewhere.
Bedtime, climbing trees, a million mosquito bites and sticky fingers.
Cops
and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, Sitting on the curb. Jumping
down the
steps, jumping on the bed.
Pillow fights. Being tickled to death. Running till you were out
of
breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt!
Being tired from playing....remember that?
I ain't finished just yet . . .
What about the girl that had the big bubbly handwriting? Licking the
beaters when your mother made a cake.
Remember when . . .
When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF
Flyers),
and the only time you wore them at school was for "gym".
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there. When
nobody
owned a purebred dog.
When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When
your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their
hair done, everyday.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped without
asking, for free, every time.
You didn't pay for air....or drinking water. And, you got trading stamps
to
boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the
box.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry
groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real
restaurant with your parents.
The price of gas was affordable. Milk came in jars with real bottle
caps.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate
that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by
shootings, drugs, or gangs.
Disapproval of our parents and grandparents was a much bigger threat!
If you can remember any of these things, I smile with you. Talk of these
things to your children. Don't let these memories fade away completely.
Just talking to your children, friends, or loved ones, and trading memories
is a joy. Life goes quickly. Seize it!
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody
sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee wimp.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?
Where
ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a
taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys,
he's
one of us!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes
their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would
like a Coke,"
said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The
drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only
ordered
water"?
The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the
way
home!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~
> Signs of Irony...
>
> *Maternity Clothes Shop:
> We Are Open On Labor Day
>
> *Non-smoking area:
> If We See You Smoking, We Will Assume You Are
> On Fire And Take Appropriate Action
>
> *On Maternity Room Door:
> Push,Push,Push
>
> *Optometrist's Office:
> If You Don't See What You're Looking For,
> You've Come To The Right Place
>
> *Scientist's Door:
> Gone Fission
>
> *Taxidermist Window:
> We Really Know Our Stuff
>
> *Podiatrist's Window:
> Time Wounds All Heels
>
> *Butcher's Window:
> Let Me Meat Your Needs
>
> *Car Dealership:
> The Best Way To Get Back On Your Feet -
> Miss a Car Payment
>
> *Muffler Shop:
> No Appointment Necessary. We'll Hear You Coming
>
> *Hotel:
> Help! We Need Inn - Experienced People
>
> *Veterinarian's Waiting Room:
> Be Back In 5 Minutes. Sit! Stay!
>
> *Music Teacher's Door:
> Out Chopin
>
> *At the Electric Company:
> We Would Be Delighted If You Send In Your Bill.
> However, If You Don't, You Will Be.
>
> *Garbage Truck:
> We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got
>
> *Computer Store:
> Out For a Quick Byte
>
> *Restaurant Window:
> Don't Stand There and Be Hungry,
> Come In And Get Fed Up
>
> *Bowling Alley:
> Please Be Quiet. We Need To Hear A Pin Drop.
>
> *Music Library:
> Bach In A Minuet
Texas Style
A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In
response,
Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style".
The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San
Antonio, down to Houston and Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio,
on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, up to Lubbock and Amarillo. From
there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper sticker that reads
"I'm
gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns". The
first
one to make it back to Dallas wins.
> How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
> Unique Up On It,
>
> How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
> Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
>
> How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
> They Take The Psycho Path.
>
> How Do You Get Holy Water?
> You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
>
> What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
> Dam!
>
> What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
> Polaroid's.
>
> What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
> A Stick.
>
> What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
> Nacho Cheese.
>
> What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
> Subordinate Clauses.
>
> What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
> Quatro Sinko.
>
> What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
> Spoiled Milk
>
> What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
> Frostbite.
>
> What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
> A Nervous Wreck.
>
> What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
> Anyone Can Roast Beef.
>
> Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
> Right Where You Left Him.
>
> Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
> Because They Have Big Fingers
>
> Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
> Because It Scares The Dog.
>
> What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
> Sanka.
>
> What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
> The Location Of The Dirt Bag
>
> What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A
> Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn! A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack.
> Just in case your boss catches you asleep at your desk, be ready to
blurt
> out one of these excuses.
>
> ***************
>
> *They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
>
> *This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time
> management course you sent me to.
>
> *I was working smarter - not harder.
>
> *Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
>
> *I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
> envisioning a new paradigm!
>
> *This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
>
> *I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
>
> *I'm in the management training program.
>
> *I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I
> learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
>
> *This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about
> work!
>
> *Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to
> our biggest problem.
>
> *The coffee machine is broken ....
>
> *Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
>
> *Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
>
> *Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
>
> *I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my
> hands.
>
> *The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to
> avoid getting shot.
> May the light always find you on a dreary day.
> When you need to be home, may you find a way.
> May you always have courage to take a chance.
> And never find frogs in your underpants.
Subject: Women only parking lot
> >>> >
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially
during evening hours, a city council in established a "Women Only"
parking
lot near downtown. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female,
so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Attached
is a picture of this amazing new concept parking lot for....."Women
Only"..
<- click on it
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He
asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround
herself with intelligent advisors. He asks how she knows if they're
intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, Please answer this
question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's
me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and
says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll
definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to
the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child
is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and
finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and
Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican
senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody
can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin
Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, boy, your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know
the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, it's Tony Blair!"
<- click on it