September, 2000 Dirty Jokes
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun." Open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl
behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" she replies. "We don't have any money; this is a sperm bank". "Don't argue!..........Open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off" She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says "Take out one of the bottles and drink it". "But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She takes the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too" he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl's amazement, it's her husband. "Not that fucking difficult, is it?" he says.There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd - "Having children is an act of God!" In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said... "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much we wear rubbers!"
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs,"
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."
This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge.."
Dan meets Carla, a beautiful young girl, at a local nightclub. To his amazement, she invites him over to her place for the night. When they arrive back at Carla's house and go into her bedroom, Dan can't help but notice all f the fluffy toys: There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. After making room on the bed, the two quickly strip down and begin a long evening of hot erotic sex. As the light of dawn slowly breaks through the window, Dan lights a cigarette and turns to the beautiful naked girl next to him and asks that universal macho question, "So, Carla... how was I?" Carla responds with a satisfied sigh and says, "Well... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
> A man and a woman were driving down the road
> arguing about his deplorable infidelity.
>
> Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the
> man's penis. Angrily the woman tosses the penis
> out the window of the car.
>
> Driving behind the car is a man in a pickup truck
> with his 10-year-old daughter chatting away beside
> him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the
> pickup in the windshield, sticks for a
> moment, then flies off.
>
> Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what
> the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his
> 10-year-old daughter to sex at such a
> tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
>
> The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and
> after a minute she says, "Sure had a big dick!"
> A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a
> table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the
> children a
> work sheet to do. While they were working she heard a little girl say
> very
> softly "damn!"
>
> The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in
> school."
> The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she
> said,
> "Not even when things are all fucked up?"
> WOMEN
>
> Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that
> knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to
> make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends,
> and
> themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at
> the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is
> no
> strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women
> come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes,
> apartments
> and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they
> care
> about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do
> more
> than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and
> ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all
> they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you
> come in contact with.
>
> MEN
>
> Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and fixing shit.
>
>
> Top Ten Times in history when saying FUCK was appropriate:
>
> 10. "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
>
> 9. "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - Custer
>
> 8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that!" - Einstein
>
> 7. "It does SO fucking look like her!" - Picasso
>
> 6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
>
> 5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo
>
> 4. "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain ?" - Joan of Arc
>
> 3. "Scattered fucking showers... my ass!" - Noah
>
> 2. "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" - J.F.K.
>
> And the number one most appropriate use of the "f" word....
>
> 1. "Who the fuck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton
>
> A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
> exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up,
> except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate
> family.
>
> A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual
> exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
> snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically
> at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with
> your other hand."
>
>
> I woke early one morning,
> The earth lay cool and still
> When suddenly a tiny bird
> Perched on my window sill,
>
> He sang a song so lovely
> So carefree and so gay,
> That slowly all my troubles
> Began to slip away.
>
> He sang of far off places
> Of laughter and of fun,
> It seemed his very trilling,
> Brought up the morning sun.
>
> I stirred beneath the covers
> Crept slowly out of bed,
> Then gently lowered the window
> And crushed his f*cking head.
>
> I'm not a morning person...
> A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, $4;
> chicken sandwich, $5; handjob, $20.
> "He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
> She said, "Yeah."
> He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."
>
> > An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink.
> > As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady
> > sat down next to him. She turned to him and said:
> > "Are you a real cowboy?"
> > He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the
> > ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and
> > branding cattle, so I guess I am."
> > She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day
> > thinking about women. As soon as I get up in
> > the morning, I think about women. When I shower,
> > watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
> > A little while later, a couple sat down next to
> > the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
> > His answer: "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
> lesbian."
>
> What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
> >
> > Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
> >
> > What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
> > The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
> >
> > My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
> >
> > The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
> bathroom.
> >
> > I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up.
> >
> > It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
> > Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
> >
> > A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives
> > the impression he just cleaned the whole house
> >
> > My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
> >
> > The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at
> -work.
> >
> > Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to
> carry
> > ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
>
> > Blondie told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to
> rip me
> > off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
> >
> > Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It
> won't
> > work and you can't fire it.
> >
> > I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a
> > prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on
> a
> > condemned building.
> >
> > A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
> was and
> > found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he
> didn't
> > have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list
> of people I'm gonna bite."
>
