September, 2000 Clean Jokes
When Men Learn to Drive.mpeg gold1.mpg silver.mpg bronze.mpg javelin.mpg
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD???
PAT BUCHANNAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it-the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads Without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told Us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens Have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the Road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, But will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of a Chicken.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed The "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road,and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree Celsius. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold BEER in frosted glasses. Each ounce of BEER contains 0 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of BEER is 1,036 calories.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,432 calories (12oz. x 1,036 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of BEER.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink BEER, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of BEER with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this pizza, BEER, and ice cream diet.
Happy eating!
A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
* Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island
* Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody
else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
* Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
* The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
* Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
* Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
* Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.
* Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful
* Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
* Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
* Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Long Island driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot
* Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
* Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
* It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.
* Learn to swerve abruptly. Long Island is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to potholes.
* It is traditional in Long Island to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
* Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Garden City where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
* Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Long Island it is common to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
* Remember that the goal of every Long Island driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
* Real Long Island female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
* Real Long Island male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during daylight hours (who would want to at night?).
* Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinkers
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls. -- Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --Tee Mans
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal obotomy. --Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thoughts, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine. --David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson
You know you're drunk when you fall off the floor.
And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light."
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group.
Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone Park in the United States to study the bears.
Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.
The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then, nothing was heard from the two scientists.
The rangers mounted a search party and soon found their camp. The camp was completely ravaged, and there was no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of the bears and noted that there was a male and a female bear.
They first came upon the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they were fearful of an international incident.
They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded, "Of course...
"The Czech is in the male."
A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??" The lady explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
The woman's face goes blank.
"No honey- I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the guy says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this. He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him.
What is the moral of this story? - Better Nate than lever ...
Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death.
Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates, by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."
That sounded simple enough.
They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow.
"I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.
Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on.
Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.
Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away.
Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?" "I
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr.Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology". The town's fatherswere not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to
"Hysterias and Posteriors". This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics". Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds". Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Ass-holes". Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on: "Dr. Smith and Dr.Jones, Odds and Ends"
Q: What do you get when you cross Lassie with a Pitbull? A: A dog that bites off your leg and then runs for help! One day a man decides to go ice fishing. He begins to cut a hole in the ice when a booming voice from above says, "There are no fish there." So he moves to another area, and begins to cut another hole in the ice, when he hears the voice again, "There are no fish there." So he moves again and begins cutting another hole when once more the voice bellows, "There are no fish there either." So the man looks up and says "Who is this, God?" The voice replies, "No, this is the manager of this ice skating rink ya moron! "
> > My son came home from school one day,
> > with a silly grin on his face.
> > He thought he was smarter than me, his Mom,
> > and could put me in my place.
> >
> > He Said:
> >
> > Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
> > that's taught by Mr. Wright,
> > It's about the laws of the land today,
> > its called THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.
> >
> > It said:
> >
> > I don't have to clean my room,
> > I don't have to cut my hair.
> > Nobody can tell me what to eat,
> > My freedom of speech is guaranteed.
> > Its my choice of what I read, or watch on TV.
> >
> > I have freedom of religion,
> > and regardless of what you say,
> > I don't have to ask your God for help---
> > I DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.
> >
> > I can wear an earring in my ear,
> > and, if I want, can pierce my nose.
> > It's my choice if I so desire,
> > to tattoo Satan's numbers across my toes.
> >
> > And if you try to spank me,
> > I will charge you with the crime,
> > and I can back up all my charges,
> > with the marks on my behind.
> >
> > He Said:
> >
> > Don't ever touch me,
> > this body is only for my use,
> > not for your hugs and kisses and stuff,
> > that's just another form of child abuse.
> >
> > He Continued With:
> >
> > Don't fill my head with morals,
> > like your mama did to you,
> > That's what's called mind control,
> > and it's illegal too!
> >
> > Mom, I have these children's rights,
> > you can't do a thing to me,
> > I can call Children's Services,
> > better known as C.S.D
> >
> > My Turn!!!!!!
> >
> > My very first impression was,
> > to toss this boy out the door,
> > But here was a chance to teach him a lesson,
> > for once and ever more.
> >
> > And Away We Go>>>>>>>>>>>>
> >
> > The next day we went shopping,
> > and in spite of every plea,
> > I didn't buy him 501s
> > or shirts designed by Nike.
> >
> > I had called and talked to C.S.D.
> > They said they didn't care,
> > if I bought him K-Mart shoes,
> > or a pair of Nike Airs.
> >
> > And Then:
> >
> > I canceled his appointment
> > to test his driving skills,
> > I'd probably be dead by now,
> > if only looks could kill!
> >
> > I Said:
> >
> > There's no time to stop and eat,
> > or pick up stuff to munch,
> > I think you should follow the C.S.D.'s advice,
> > and make yourself a sack lunch.
> >
> > So, what if you are hungry,
> > to wait 'til dinner time?
> > Well, we're having liver and onions,
> > Cause it's a favorite dish of mine.
> >
> > He Asked:
> >
> > Can we stop to get a movie,
> > so I can watch it on the VCR?
> > Absolutely not! I sold the TV in your room
> > and bought new tires for my car.
> >
> > I also rented out your room,
> > you really don't need a bed.
> > C.S.D. says all that's required of me
> > is to put a roof over your head.
> >
> > I only have to buy your clothes,
> > and the food that you must eat,
> > The money you used to get for an allowance,
> > will buy me something neat.
> >
> > No more eating after we shop,
> > no more joking along the way,
> > I too have a BILL OF RIGHTS,
> > that goes into effect today!
> >
> > What's the matter, are you crying?
> > Are you down on your knees?
> > Why are you asking God for help?.....
> > WHY NOT CALL THE C.S.D.?
> >
> >
> Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a way that
> is politically correct? Here are some great suggestions...
>
> * A few clowns short of a circus
> * A few fries short of a Happy Meal
> * An experiment in artificial stupidity
> * A few beers short of a six pack
> * Dumber than a box of hair
> * A few peas short of a casserole
> * Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box
> * The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
> * One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
> * One taco short of a combination plate
> * A few feathers short of a whole duck
> * All foam, no beer
> * The cheese slid off his cracker
> * Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
> * Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
> * Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
> * Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
> * He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down
> "THESAURUS OF MEN"
>
> > "I'M GOING FISHING"
> > Translated:* I'm going to drink myself dangerously
> > stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my
> > hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
> >
> > "IT'S A GUY THING"
> > Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern
> > connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
> > making it logical".
> >
> > "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
> > Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
> >
> > "UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
> > Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
> > response.
> >
> > "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
> > Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
> >
> > "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS
> > ON MY MIND."
> > Translated:* "I was wondering if that redhead over
> > there is wearing a bra."
> >
> > "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
> > Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
> > cleaner"
> >
> > "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
> > Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
> >
> > "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
> > Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
> > the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the
> > vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever
> > owned, ... but I forgot your birthday."
> >
> > "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU
> > THESE ROSES".
> > Translated:* "The girl selling them on the corner was
> > a real babe."
> >
> > "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
> > Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb, but will
> > bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
> >
> > "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
> > Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty
> > soon."
> >
> > "I CAN'T FIND IT."
> > Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched
> > hands, so I'm completely clueless."
> >
> > "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
> > Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
> >
> > "I HEARD YOU."
> > Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
> > said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well
> > enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling
> > at me."
> >
> > "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
> > Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me, and
> > realize it could be worse."
> >
> > "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
> > Translated:* "Oh, God, please don't try on one more
> > outfit, I'm starving."
> >
> > "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
> > Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
> >
> > "WE'LL SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
> > Translated:* "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
> >
> >> > > A farmer lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by,
> the
> >> > > traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy
> and
> >> > > so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to
> >> > > six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got
> >> > > to do something about all of these people driving so fast and
> >> > > killing all of my chickens."
> >> > >
> >> > > "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
> >> > >
> >> > > "I don't care, just do something about these drivers."
> >> > >
> >> > > So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign
> >> > > that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the farmer
> again
> >> > > called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They
> are
> >> > > still hitting my chickens."
> >> > >
> >> > > So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN
> >> > > AT PLAY.
> >> > >
> >> > > Again, no change. So the farmer called and called, every day for
> >> > > three weeks.
> >> > >
> >> > > Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs are just not
> >> > > working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"
> >> > >
> >> > > The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works
> better."
> >> > > He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily
> >> > > calls.
> >> > >
> >> > > Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. After three
> >> > > weeks, he decided to call the farmer and see how things were going.
> >> > > "Did you put up your sign?"
> >> > >
> >> > > "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I've
> >> > > got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.
> >> > >
> >> > > The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that
> >> > > sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down
> >> > > drivers..."
> >> > >
> >> > > So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the
> sign.
> >> > > It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow
> >> > > letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
>
> How do you catch a unique rabbit?
>
> Unique up on it.
>
>
> How do you catch a tame rabbit?
>
> Tame way, unique up on it.
>
>
> How do crazy people go through the forest?
>
> They take the psycho path.
>
>
> How do you get holy water?
>
> You boil the hell out of it.
>
>
> What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
>
> Dam!
>
>
> What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
>
> Polaroid's
>
>
> What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't work?
>
> A stick.
>
>
> What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
>
> Nacho cheese.
>
>
> What do you call Santa's helpers?
>
> Subordinate clauses.
>
>
> What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
>
> Quatro sinko.
>
>
> What do you get from a pampered cow?
>
> Spoiled Milk.
>
>
> What do you get when you cross a Snowman with a Vampire?
>
> Frostbite.
>
>
> What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
>
> A nervous wreck.
>
>
> What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
>
> Anyone can roast beef.
>
>
> Where do you find a dog with no legs?
>
> Right where you left him.
>
>
> Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
>
> Because they have big fingers.
>
>
> Why don't blind people like to skydive?
>
> Because it scares the dog.
>
>
> What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
>
> Sanka.
>
>
> What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
>
> The location of the dirt bag.
>
>
> Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
>
> Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.
>
>
> What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
>
> A bad golfer goes, whack, dang!
>
> A bad skydiver goes dang! Whack.
>
>
> What do you call skydiving lawyers?
>
> Skeet.
>
>
> What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?
>
> An Amish drive-by shooting
>
>
> How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
>
> Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
>
>
>
>
> MESS TEST
> Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
> the
> couch and leave it there. All summer.
>
> TOY TEST
> Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
> Have
> a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk
> to
> the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, because this would wake a child at
> night.
>
> GROCERY STORE TEST
> Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
> you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
> damage.
>
> DRESSING TEST
> Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag,
> making
> sure that all the arms stay inside.
>
> FEEDING TEST
> Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
> ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
> soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an
> airplane.
> Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
>
> NIGHT TEST
> Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
> sand.
> Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the
> bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m.
> Get
> up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up
> about
> a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m.
> Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
>
> INGENUITY TEST
> Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
> into
> an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
> Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a
> milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an
> exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
>
> AUTOMOBILE TEST
> Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
> put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it
> into
> the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
> Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
> car.
> There, perfect.
>
> PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
> Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
> Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
>
> PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
> Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
> clerk
> to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
> office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
> store.
> Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
>
> FINAL ASSIGNMENT
> Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
> improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
> table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that
> they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
>
> It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
>
>
> Dilbert's Rules of Order
>
> 1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
> Tomorrow is not looking good either.
>
> 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
> as they go flying by.
>
> 3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
> it.
>
> 4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
>
> 5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
> first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
>
> 6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
>
> 7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I
> thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
>
> 8. My reality check bounced.
>
> 9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
>
> 10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
>
> 11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
> butter.
>
> 12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy
> and taste good with ketchup.
>
> 13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
>
> 14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then
> beat you with experience.
>
> 15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
> butt.
>
> 16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be
> promoted.
>
> 17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
> week.
>
> 18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
>
> 19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
> clipboard.
>
> 20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
> will happen to you the rest of the day.
>
> 21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
>
> 22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
>
> 23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
>
> 24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
> easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
> Ranger handle this?"
>
> > What is Love?
>
> > A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
> > year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader
> and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
>
>
> > "Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in
> > the way."
> >
> > "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
> > toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the
> > time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
> >
> > "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You
> > know that your name is safe in their mouth."
> >
> > "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
> > and they go out and smell each other."
> >
> > "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
> > fries without making them give you any of theirs."
> >
> > "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell
> > at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
> >
> > "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
> >
> > "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
> > before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
> >
> > "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,
> > you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy
> > and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
> >
> > "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
> > presents and listen."
> >
> > "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who
> > you hate."
> >
> > "Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."
> >
> > "When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared
> > they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised
> > because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
> >
> > "There are two kinds of love Our love. God's love. But God makes both
> > kinds of them."
> >
> > "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
> > everyday."
> >
> > "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
> > friends even after they know each other so well."
> >
> > "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all
> > the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
> > smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
> >
> > "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing
> > me to sleep at night."
> >
> > "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
> >
> > "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
> > handsomer than Robert Redford."
> >
> > "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
> > all day."
> >
> > "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
> > clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
> >
> > "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me
> > because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister
> > because I love her."
> >
> > "Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to
> > say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
> >
> > "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars
> > come out of you."
> >
> > "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's
> > gross."
> >
> > (I saved the best two until last.)
> >
> > "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you
> > mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
> >
> > "God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross,
> > but He didn't. That's love."
> >
> > The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they
> > had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto
> > makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four-wheel drive
> > pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
> > circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
> >
> > They were surprised to find in the majority of the states that the
> > last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh,
> > Sh*t!"
> >
> > Only the states of Mississippi, Southeast Missouri, Arkansas,
> Alabama,
> > Texas, the panhandle of Florida and Tennessee were different, where
> > over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch
> this."
> >
> >
> Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Houston, a guy from San Francisco,
> and a guy from Seattle.
>
> They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning,
> the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good
> swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt .45 pistol
> out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over
> everything and everybody.
>
> The patrons at the bar shouted, "Hey, bud, why'd you waste that tequila?"
>
> The Texan said, "Heck, it's just tequila. Us Texans go across the border
> all the time and get all the tequila we want."
>
> Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a
> bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed,
> commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle
> in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated
> pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine.
>
> The patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for
> their safety, expressed their displeasure and astonishment, to which the
> Californian replied, "Well, I'm from Napa Valley, and we have more than
> enough wine where I come from."
>
> The Seattle-ite, a quiet observer up to this point, touched the crystal
> hanging from his neck, adjusted his Birkenstocks, flipped back his
> ponytail, put down his guitar, and borrowed a bottle opener from the
> bartender. He popped the top off a bottle of Fat Tire beer, hammered it
> back, threw the empty bottle into the air, pulled a 9mm Beretta, took
> careful aim, shot both the Californian and the Texan, and caught the
> falling bottle.
>
> The patrons screamed in utter disbelief, "Why'd you do that?"
>
> The Seattle-ite replied, "I'm from Seattle. We've already got too many
> Texans and way too many Californians, but glass bottles, now those can be
> recycled.