October
Funny Word Document
Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night for attempting to cause
the
same damage to her husband that Lorena had inflicted on her spouse.
The sister didn't hit the mark and stabbed her husband in the leg by
mistake.
She has been charged with a misdeweiner.
Subject: Radio Game Show
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game
where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate
Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married
or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers
those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City
of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all
went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only
please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only
please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying
for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on
hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to
this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones
ringing)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air
right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours
now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows
not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you
know the rules of 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of
you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney
World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal.
Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to
work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to
protect his manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you
ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us
and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your
answer, please?"
Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you
do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
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Really Mean "Dear Santa" Responses
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist.
How 'bout I send you a f*cking book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I
really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
********************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter?
He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you
some
nice Legos instead.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards
than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of
dollars
worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even
learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like
"Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
**********************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your
reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You
want
to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my
time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the
craps table.
Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like
in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house...
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't
work
up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent
apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just
like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa