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A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back,

and makes out the image of an upright

coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards

his home, the coffin bouncing

quickly behind him ...

faster...

faster...

BUMP...

BUMP....

BUMP.

He runs up to his door,

fumbles with his keys, opens the door,

rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. .

However, the coffin crashes through his

door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on the heels of the terrified man.... .

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,

the man locks himself in. His heart is

pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing

gasps. .

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door.

Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for

something heavy, anything ...

his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.

Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as

hard as he can at the apparition.

the coffin stops

Subject: FW: Fw: childrens' responses

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to

persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how

nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a

doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's

the teacher. She's dead."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes

at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several

strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your

hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do

something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns

white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and

then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they

drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what

the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher

paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without

missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They

will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her

five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor they

Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches

us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one

little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown

had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?," gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me

catch him."

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On

returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two

boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother

asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I

think it's printed on the bottom."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to

make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the

blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the

face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am

standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my

feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about

the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the

mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The

six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever

has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog. She

inquired as to whether it was alive or dead. "Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear," said the

child innocently. "You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Psssst.' He

didn't move."

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes

and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line

for the men that dominated their women on earth and the

other line for the men that were dominated by their

women. Also, I want all the women to go with St.

Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the

women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the

men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles

long, and in the line of men that dominated their

women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of

yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all

whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons

that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell

them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in

this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to

stand here."

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon.

Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his

paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday

night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of

hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if

you didn't see me for a couple of days??"

"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday went by with the same result.

Wednesday went by with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just

out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REDNECK LOVE POEM

Collards is green,

my dog's name is Blue

and I'm so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze.

Softer than Blue's

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You ain't got no scales

but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry

jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"

right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,

for which I am proud

I hold my head high

when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, I'm in hawg heaven,

and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles

and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin' overhead.

You ain't mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin'.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentine's Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever,"

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these won't do.

Cause yor'e too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds......

IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COLLEGE COMPARISONS:

(1) What does the average Texas player get on his SAT's?

Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Alabama cheerleaders in one

room?

A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Wisconsin cheerleader into your dorm room?

Grease her hips and push like hell.

(4) How do you get a Michigan State graduate off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

(5) Why do the Texas A & M cheerleaders wear bibs?

To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

(6) Why do they no longer serve ice at Nebraska football games?

The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

(7) Why is the SMU football team like a possum?

Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

(8) What are the longest three years of a Michigan football player's

life?

His freshman year.

(9) How many Oklahoma State freshmen does it take to change a light

bulb?

None.....That's a sophomore course at OSU.

(10) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?

Waco, TX ......He knew that no one would ever look there for a

Heisman

Trophy winner.

(11) Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?

You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,

and picking up trash on the highway, the rest of the week.

Children's letters to God

---------------------------

Dear God,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why

don't you just keep the ones you have now? Jane

Dear God,

Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear God,

Went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that

okay? Neil

Dear God,

Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Joyce

Dear God,

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said

some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but

I hope you will not hurt him in anyway. Your Friend (but I am

not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before.

You can look it up. Bruce

Dear God,

If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer

Horton, because I hate her. Denise

Dear God,

I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so

much hair all over. Sam

Dear God,

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth

Dear God,

I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying. Elliott

Dear God,

I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the

world. There are only four people in our family and I can

never do it. Nan

Dear God,

Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David

the best. Rob

Dear God,

My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound

right. They are just kidding, aren't they? Marsha

Dear God,

If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.

Mickey

Dear God,

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned

that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Donna

Dear God,

I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you

to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.

Charles

Dear God,

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you

made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene

Dear God,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had

their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf

balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one

of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked

if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

Dumbstruck......

I was standing at the checkout with my two-year-old son, and

there was a heavyset gal in line a head of us. As the cashier

scanned the lady's items, the bar-code reader gave off a

continuous beeping sound. All of a sudden, my son said loudly,

"Mommy, watch out! She's going to back up!"

That was the only time in my life I wanted to crawl into a hole.

- Heather Barlow, 21, Hortonville, WI

~~*~~*~~

Nuts About You......

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold

a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the

boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,

"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I

turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never

let me forget.

- Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

~~*~~*~~

Curl up and die.....

I once walked into a hair salon-with my husband and three kids

in tow----and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo

and a blow job?"

-Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

~~*~~*~~

Pad, please!.....

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage

insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me,

and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old

son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex

right in front of our guest.

- Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

------------------------------------------------------------------

An old country doctor went deep into the woods to

deliver a baby. The cabin was so remote that it had

no electricity.

Upon arriving, the doctor realized that the laboring

mother and her five-year-old child were the only

people there.

With no one else to help him, the doctor finally

instructed the child to hold a lantern so he could

see to deliver the baby.

The child was happy to help, and held the lantern high

while the mother pushed. After a little while, the

baby was born, and the doctor held the newborn by the

feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take

his first breath.

With the excitement over, the doctor asked the

five-year-old for an opinion about the baby.

"Hit him again," the five-year-old said.

"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and

informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. His

son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as

he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him

to the bar, and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him and orders up

the biggest and strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons

looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the

boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop!

A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father,

shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another

drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop!

Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink

again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the

whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he

reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop!

Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks

God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left...then

to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a

truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...

(are you ready? ..)

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

This will assist you in correctly pronouncing words commonly used in the

english(southern) language.

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting..

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting..

Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner..

Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is

Berminhayum..

Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in

improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division..

Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't

herd

from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process..

Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and

yeast..

Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."

Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts..

Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my

brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant..

Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup

truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration..

Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup

truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel..

Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a

flat

tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument..

Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, sure hope to see that

Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working..

Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or

combat..

Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege..

Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place..

Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic..

Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn

country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive..

Usage "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas; Oxygen..

Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable..

Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction..

Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob

war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction..

Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a

minnit n'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see"..

OF VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun..

Usage "I ain't never seed New York City... Of view?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution..

Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

_____________________