May, 2000 Clean Jokes
wazzup!
wassami!
bowling_.mpg
images/catcrash.mpg
whiptheworker.exe
Here's some other cool pics in a word document: CENTURYBESTPICS1.doc
> A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
> height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
> shouts, "Hey, down there, can you tell me where I am?"
>
> The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
> above this field."
>
> "You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.
>
> "I do," replies the man, "But, how did you know?"
>
> "Because," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is
> technically correct, but it is of no use to anyone."
>
> The man below says, "And you must work in management."
>
> "I do," says the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're
> going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position
> you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
>
> > 95-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
> > > back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks
> > > great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you
> at
> > > peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your
> God?"
> > > George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight
> so
> > > he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go
> to
> > > the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!)
> the
> > > light goes off when I'm done."
> > > "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
> > > A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," He
> > > said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call
> > > because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he
> gets
> > > up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and
> > > then (poof!) the light goes off?"
> > > Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
> > > again!"
> >
>
>>_________________________________________________________________
>>
>> The Top 20 Slogans for Legalized Marijuana
>>
>>
>>20> Because if Everybody Lived in their Parents' Basements and Watched
>> TV All Day, There Wouldn't be Any Wars, Man
>>
>>19> Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All
>>
>>18> So me and Kevin are doin' massive bong hits in his rec room,
>> right? And his mom comes home and Kevin freaks and ends up, like,
>> coughing up bongwater all over the Persian carpet. Which totally
>> wouldn't have happened if it was legal...
>>
>>17> Weed My Lips!
>>
>>16> Hey, America -- Let's Blow This joint!
>>
>>15> What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?
>>
>>14> Obey Your Jones
>>
>>13> Hemp: The world's practical solution to making, like,
>> paper and rope and necklaces and stuff
>>
>>12> It's Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore!
>>
>>11> Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime
>>
>>10> Official Sponsor of the NBA
>>
>> 9> Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi...
>> Dude! I totally f***ed that up!
>>
>> 8> Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke
>>
>> 7> This is your brain.
>> This is your brain on pot.
>> This is your brain desperately searching for Doritos.
>>
>> 6> When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at Your Hand?
>>
>> 5> SMOKE POT! (Did we just say that out loud? Or did
>> we just think it?)
>>
>> 4> Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads
>>
>> 3> Pot -- When you absolutely, positively, need to get there sometime
>> tomorrow or the next day or the day after that.
>>
>> 2> It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny,
>> seedy, stemmy, doobie so-you-can-get-high medicine.
>>
>>
>> and Topfive.com's Number 1 Slogan for Legalized Marijuana...
>>
>>
>> 1> Skull-Shaped Bong: $12.00
>> Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $25.00
>> Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies: Priceless
>>
A Marine Colonel on his way home from work at the
> > Pentagon came to a
> > dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, wow,
> > this traffic seems worse
> > than usual. Nothing's even moving. He notices a
> > police officer walking
> > back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls
> > down his window and asks,
> >
> > "Officer what's the holdup?" The officer replies,
> > "The President is
> > just so depressed about the thought of moving
> > with Hillary to New York
> > that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the
> > Beltway and he's
> > threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set
> > himself on fire. He says his
> > family hates him and he doesn't have the money to
> > pay for the new house.
> >
> > I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
> >
> > "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
> >
> > "So far about 3 hundred gallons, but a lot of
> > people are still siphoning."
> Subject: Hermaphrodite
>
> > > This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes
> in,
> > > and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
> > >
> > > The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby,
> Doctor?
> > > What's wrong???"
> > >
> > > The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby
> is
> >
> > > a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
> > >
> > > The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
> > >
> > > The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...
> > of
> > > a male and a female."
> > >
> > > The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a
> penis...
> > > AND a brain?"
> > > >>
> >> >
> >> >Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor
> >> >and gets a complete physical, only to discover that she is pregnant.
> >> >She is furious and can't believe this has happened, when she is
> >> >running for the Senate, too!!!
> >> >
> >> >She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone and
> >> >immediately begins to berate him, screaming, "I just found out
> >> >I'm 5 weeks PREGNANT, and it is all YOUR fault!!! How could
> >> > you have let this HAPPEN? With all the trouble going on right
> >> >now, how COULD you???!!! Well...what have you got to say???"
> >> >
> >> >There is nothing but silence on the phone.
> >> >
> >> >She screams again: "DID YOU HEAR ME????!!!"
> >> >
> >> >She finally hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible
> >> >whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
> >> >
Two nuns went out of their convent to sell a bit of religion.
One ofthem is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known
as
Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty
eight and a half minutes?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can
we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.He
started
to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
the this way. He cannot follows us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened
to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he
followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a
man with his pants down........
(And those of you that thought it would be dirty, say two 'Hail> >
>Mary's.....)
This one made the page, because it's a JOKE!!!
> "BECAUSE I'M A MAN"
>
> Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
> wire
> clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service
> until long after hypothermia has set in.
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
> hood and
> stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
> shows up,
> one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things,
> but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
> start."
> We will then drink beer.
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
> and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.You never get as sick as I
> do, so
> for you this isn't an issue.
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will
> insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
> twice as
> much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
> while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
> show
> looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
> calculator).
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
> think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete
> stranger-I mean, how could he know where we're going?
> > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
> Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
> you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
> fine.
> With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
> Can we
> just go now?
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ~ This has been A public Service message for Women, to better
> understand the Male animal.~
>
Religion Q&A
Q. What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
A. Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked
on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral
for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5000 and the interest,
which came out to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have
had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found you
are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow
$5000?
The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks
for $15. bucks?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They
decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd.
The brunette takes their life savings of $600 and goes to Texas to buy a
bull.
She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's
the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."
She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like
to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud
bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are
$.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides, "I'd like to send one word,
please."
"And what word would that be?" inquired the man.
"Comfortable" replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this
telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she
gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew
of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the
sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs,
"AMEN BROTHER!"
When the preacher concemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT,
REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet
and screamed, "RIGHT ON BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS.... AMEN!!
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet,
and one turned to the other and said, "He's quit preachin' and now he's
meddlin'!"
Subject: FW: The Contest
> > The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists---A Yale
> > graduate and a redneck from Kentucky. They were given a word, then
> > allowed
> > two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the
> > word.
> >
> > The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
> >
> > First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate.
> > He stepped to the microphone and said ------------
> >
> > Slowly across the desert sand
> > Trekked a lonely caravan
> > Men on camels, two by two
> > Destination-Timbuktu.
> >
> > The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.
> >
> > The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited--------
> >
> > Me and Tim a huntin' went
> > Met three whores in a pop-up tent
> > They was three, and we was two
> > So I bucked one, and Timbuktu!
> >
> > The redneck won hands down.
> >
> Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
>
> 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
> Hospital: 1 I.V. League
>
> 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
>
> 1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope
>
> Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle
>
> Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
>
> 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1
> lite year
>
> 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling
>
> Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
>
> 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
>
> Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
>
> Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
>
> Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
>
> Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond
>
> A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn
>
> 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
>
> Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single
> step," the first step of a one-mile journey:
> 1 Milwaukee
>
> 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
>
> 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
>
> 365.25 days: 1 unicycle
>
> 2200 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
>
> 10 cards: 1 decacards
>
> 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
>
> 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
>
> 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
>
> 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
>
> 1 million billion picolos: 1 gigolo
>
> 10 rations: 1 decoration
>
> 100 rations: 1 C-ration
>
> 10 millipedes: 1 centipede
>
> 3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent
>
> 10 monologs: 5 dialogs
>
> 5 dialogs: 1 decalog
>
> 2 monograms: 1 diagram
>
> 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
>
> 2 wharves: 1 paradox
>
The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington
chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" the
professor shared
it
with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure
of enjoying it
as
well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or
endothermic(absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law,
(gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we
need to know how
the
mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to
know the rate at
which
souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
are leaving. I
think
we can safely assume once a soul gets to Hell, it will
not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering
Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in
the world today.
Some
of these religions state if you are not a member of
their religion, you
will
go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions, and
since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they
are, we can
expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the
rate
of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law
states that in
order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume
of
Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two
possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase
until
all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until
Hell
freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to
me by Ms. Teresa
Banyan
during my Freshman year - "...that it will be a cold
day in Hell before
I
sleep with you." - and take into account the fact that
I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2
cannot be true;
and
thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not
freeze.
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN.