June, 2000 Dirty Jokes 

Joe Fly             Why men watch figure skating.

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm passed eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough, so I don't pee on my shoes."

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Honey....where is the rake?"

 She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

 The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?' and the man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"

 The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

 She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

 The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

 The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

 "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

 The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

 The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

 "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

 The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

 "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

 "What happened?" inquired the pastor.

 "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

 "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

 "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and began studying. Books & papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done with dinner he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time he was hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for sometime. Day after day, the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mother looked at the report card and to her surprise, little Tommy received an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and says; "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shook his head. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms: WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fucking around."