June, 2000  Clean Jokes     

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.  Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

Two French Legionnaires are lost in the desert as they have been separated from their unit. They've been wandering for days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration until they reach the top of a sand dune, and see a big, bustling market laid out below.

 Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stall holders cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and ask the stall holder, "We have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water

 We'll die soon unless you have some water you can sell us. Please do you have any sustenance for us?" The stall holder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and cake."

 The legionnaires look at each other, surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stall holder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some water." The stall holder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream, and cake, with a little cocktail cherry on top - so," he said, "I cannot help you.."

 The legionnaires look at each other in desperation and go to the next stall, where they ask the stall holder, "Look, we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?" The stall holder looked at his curly shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, and cake . I can't help you." The legionnaires were really worried by now and went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stall holder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stall holder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and cake.

 Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream, and cake."

 The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

 After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

 Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy turns and hollers, "Now we run!"

 THESE ARE EXCELLENT AND ACTUALLY VALID.....SOUTHERN SAYINGS ...

11. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

12. I'm bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers (rocking chairs).

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

 When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom were worth keeping.

 REMEMBER----this chain brings luck. One woman's pit bull died, and the next day she received an NFL offensive tackle. An unmarried Jewish woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a successful gynecologist.

 You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain, and got her own husband back again.

 A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to  be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

 St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'

 The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman.

 Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!''

 St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'

 'Oh, about two minutes ago.'

 A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

 A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently. When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.

I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. (This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course.) And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the caressing voice always cla m .

 I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care less. Our technical support department consists of two college kids, both of whom are currently busy playing Doom. Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who doesn't speak English."

 I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me.

 I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it? There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them.

 How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work? I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.

 I am really tired of hearing about all the things that happened with Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in the world they didn't know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people-what did they need-a memo or something? I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer files are Y2K-compliant. The program wouldn't work because-get this-my CD-ROM player is too old (I bought it 34 months ago). The manufacturer doesn't sell an "updated driver." Thus, to find out if my computer is Y2K-compliant, I need to buy another computer.

 I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located the product you want. It's on Earth."

 I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.

 Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other? They live together in the same little tower! Please understand, I don't hate my computer...I just want to hurt it every once in a while!

  Subject: Fw: Bureaucracy at its Finest

  This is an actual case.

 A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down.

 After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

 "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin."

 Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

 "Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

 They got it.

  Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

 My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

 Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life  s serious.

 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

 I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles o t of my face.

 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. Isn't that the truth!

 Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

 A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

 Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

 No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

 A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

 Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

 Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

 There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

 By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

 Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

 Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

 I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

 Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Subject: Fw: The Assassin

 The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

 For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

 The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

 The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

 The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

 Finally, it was the woman's turn. She went into the room.

 Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 The following is an actual excerpt from this month's Forbe's Magazine: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve dur ng their college years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.