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1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When

they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and

for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it

too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One

went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The

other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never

amounted to much. The second one, naturally, was

known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the

Old West. He slid up to the bar and announced "I'm

looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his

dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted

to transcend dental medication.

5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent

tournament victories. After about an hour, the

manager came out of the office and asked them to

disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting

in an open foyer."

6. A man entered his local paper's pun contest. He

sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least

one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in

ten did.

7. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption.

One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named

Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they

named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of

himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture,

she told her husband that she wished she also had a

picture of Amahl. Her husband responded, "But they

are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."

And the worst pun of the bunch:

8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments,

so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the

funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the

"men of God," the rival florist across town thought

the competition was unfair. He asked the good

brothers to close down, but they would not. He went

back and begged the friars to close. They ignored

him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out

of business. They ignored her, too. So the rival

florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most

vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh

beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be

back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so,

thereby proving (Brace yourself.)

that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Something To Offend Damn Near Everyone ...

What's the Cuban national anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

===================

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar

===================

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the

other?

A speech impediment.

===================

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half

mast?

They're hiring.

===================

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

====================

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying, "Yo"

=======================

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

==================

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

==================

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,

along with a recipe.

==================

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say f*ck?

Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell *BINGO*!

===================

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy

tale?

A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairy tale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...

===================

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and

blamed it on the cost of living.

===================

Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

===================

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something

right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

===================

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,

someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

===================

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

===================

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

===================

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's

population.

===================

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

===================

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

===================

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those

who got there first.

===================

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he

will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

===================

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

===================

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

===================

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

===================

MY FAVORITE!

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a

moray!

===================

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing well.

===================

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

===================

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

===================

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

===================

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12

people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

New Book of Genesis:

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the

answer

to

"Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked

with us

every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here,

and it

is

difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that

will be

with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so

that

you

will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how

selfish or

childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept

you as

you

are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it

was

a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was

pleased to be

with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the

Kingdom,

and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal

to be a

relection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my

own

name,

and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and

loved

them.

And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content

and

wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and

said,

"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and

preen

like

peacocks, and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has

indeed

taught them that they are loved but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companiion who

will

be

with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion

will

remind them of their limitations so that they will know that they

are not

always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion

to

Adam

and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed

into

Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme

beings. And

Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was

happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwar Lytton contest,

wherein one writes only the first line of a novel.

9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a

tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair,

deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth

that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a

beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he

crept along the East wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre

creep."

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of

narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley

sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep

her from eking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then

penguins often do."

3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese,

the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the

meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of

danger and spit in the eye of death-in short, a moron with suicidal

tendencies.

AND THE WINNER IS...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept

along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the

castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat,

crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden

amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's

deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

Interpreting A Police Report

What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)

(1) While on routine patrol . . .

(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner.

(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN- DON'T FEED THE PIGS".

(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer

from doing traffic control.

(2) It was raining.

(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from

a street informant.

(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.

(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner . . .

(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history . . .

(2) He puked on my uniform one night . . .

(1) The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable

information in the past . . .

(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his head . . .

(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations . . .

(2) I wrote one citation for each swear word he used . . .

(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside

the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door . . .

(2) The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I

kicked in the door.

(1) The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within

departmental policies . . .

(2) I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post."

(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding . . .

(2) She was a good-looking blonde who was free after my shift was over.

(1) The Chief appeared at the scene and took command . . .

(2) I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

(1) The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was

unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.

(2) He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back

seat.

(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge

at his arraignment . . .

(2) I told him he didn't have the guts to call the judge the same name he

called me.

(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.

(2) It was my bowling night . . .

That Sums It Up

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can

spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

POSTULATES

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him

a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to

understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot

more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two

people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she

does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -

before marriage and after marriage.

Picture yourself near a stream.  Birds are softly chirping in the cool, crisp mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

--------------

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

49.) Don't kiss the dog.

48,) Where are your shoes?

47.) If I were a shoe, where would I be?

46.) "Hay" is for horses.

45.) What part of no' do you not understand?

44.) Tickle, Tickle, Tickle.

43.) Tie your shoes.

42.) All right, look sloppy.

41) Don't sit so close. You'll ruin your eyes.

40.) Your socks don't match.

39.) Its on your left. No, your other left.

38.) Why is the remote control all sticky?

37.) When I was a boy, we didn't even have remote controls.

36.) Turn that down

35.) Hush. (Try one on a co-worker sometime.)

34.) Zip it. (Ditto.)

33.) Blow on it (Don't go, there.)

32.) Use your napkin.

31.) Don't shovel your food.

30.) Because it builds strong bones.

29.) Three more bites.

28.) Clean your room.

27.) You call this clean?

26.) Why do I have to do everything around here?

25.) If I hear "Pikachu" one more time...,

24.) Stop talking and go to sleep.

23.) If your brother jumped off a cliff ...

22.) Aw, get up. That didn't hurt.

21.) I'll kiss it and make it better.

20.) When I was Your age ...

19.) I don't know. I haven't been wearing your shoes now have I?

18.) Close the door. Were you raised in a barn?

17.) In or out, in or out. Make up your mind.

16.) When YOU start paying the utility bills around here ...

15.) Stop slamming that door!

14.) Money doesn't grow on trees.

13.) By the time I count to three ...

12.) Walk faster.

11.) Stop running!

10.) Don't you run from me!

9.) Don't put that in your mouth. You don't know where it's been.

8.) Did you go?

7.) Get down from there!

6.) Somebody's gonna get. hurt!

5.) Put that down. You'll put your eye out

4.), This is my final warning.

3.) What's that smell?

2.) We'll see.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

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