February, 2000 Clean Jokes
Wassup.mov (about 4 meg, but cool) You may need to install Quicktime to see this video (about 4 meg)
Another great web site, compliments of Jeff: http://www.drbukk.com/index.html
Try this...just follow the directions and don't scream. Does anyone
remember the movie "Altered States"? Ewwww.....remember,
read the file
first, before you click on the Optical.exe file.
Try this! Before you open the file, read the instructions below first!
This is like the coolest optical illusion I have ever seen!
1. Keep one hand on your mouse.
2. Launch the attached program.
3. Concentrate at the center of your screen for about 20-25 seconds.
4. Now look at the back of your hand (the hand which is on the mouse).
5. Don't scream.... It's only an optical illusion
6. Don't attempt to stand up right away after viewing.
Optical.exe (21KB)
One night, a husband and wife were having
a conversation over
dinner:
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would
you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being
married?
MAN: Of course I do
.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again
.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on
her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and
replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing
to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf
clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oops...
Let's pick on men instead of blondes this time.
What do you call a handcuffed man?.... Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?....You didn't hold
the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?....Because
if they all went, it would be Hell
Why do men like smart women?....Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? ....They're hard to
get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the
time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?....When you
can just barely slip your finger in between his neck
and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?....We
cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they
wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?....By sucking in
their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?....
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? ...
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? ....
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE .... He just holds it up there and waits for the
world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man? .... I can do so
much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? ....
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a man with half a brain? .... Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's
gift to women? .... Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything? .... A
woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? ....
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups? ....
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an
intelligent man? .... Big Foot has been spotted
several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? .... "My wife
says..."
Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? .... So men
can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman? .... Because you
should have a rough draft before creating your
masterpiece
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after
mating? .... To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? .... To keep
them from grazing
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? ....
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one
egg? .... Because not one will stop and ask for
directions
Why is it good that there are female astronauts? ....
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman
will ask for directions.
Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for men than for
women? .... When it's time to go back to his
childhood, he's already there.
Why do little boys whine? .... Because they are
practicing to be men
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. (It is opened by the time she brings it to the couch.)
Japanese Banking Crisis"
According to inside contacts, the Japanese
banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating.
If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank
had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank
has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to
cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank
is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going
for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have
nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate
Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there
is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and
staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down
the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way
they
do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a
running
child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already
there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Actual English Subtitles Used In Hong Kong Films
I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.
I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them
out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a
thorough extermination.
I have been scared silly too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up
together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer
during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching
the description of the offender running several blocks
away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-
called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do
you have a locker room in the police station - a room
where you change your clothes in preparation for your
daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
officers with your life, that you find it necessary to
lock your locker in a room you share with those same
officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court
complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known
to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a
prompt recess was called.
Subject: Southern Birth Control
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband
went to his Doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't
want
to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that
could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a
cherry bomb fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a
beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man, but
I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia
physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor
instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it,
place
it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to
his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which
point he
paused, placed the beer can
between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...
Also works in Tennessee and West Virginia.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not
your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing
sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get
along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some
days the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he
isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be
needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem; you have a
perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in
the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck
is the ceiling?"
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on
the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding
through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you
are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to
their level then beat you with experience.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a
kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at
the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are
going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and
carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor
of your car when the boss asks for a ride home
from the office.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning
of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't
the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop
errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
If you are really good, you will get out of it.
People who go to conferences are the ones who
shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get
done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely
proportional to the number of pens that person is
carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look
worried.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following
the rules.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held
responsible for everything that goes wrong
The Bronze Rat:
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed,
life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting
and
unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and
a thousand
dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll
take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat
under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two
live
rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously
looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every
time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his
heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and
soon
breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements,
vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at
the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one
arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in
amazement
as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea,
where
they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the
owner.
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any
bronze
lawyers!"
Three Blondes died and found themselves standing
before Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter said to
them,"Before you may enter the gates of Heaven you
have to tell me what Easter is."
The first blonde said,"Easter is a holiday where we
all have a big feast and we're thankfull."
St. Peter said,"NO!" and banised her to hell.
The second said," Easter is a holiday where we
celebrate Jesus' birth and give each other presents."
St. Peter said,"NO!" and banished her to hell.
The third blonde said," I know what Easter is."
St. Peter said," Ok then, tell me."
She starts,"Easter is a Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish festival of passover.
Jesus was having a Passover Feast with his diciples
when he was betrayed by Judes, and the Romans arrested
him. The Romans nailed him to a Cross where he died.
Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large
boulder."
St. Pete exclaimed,"VERY GOOD!"
Then She adds,"Every year the Jews role away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we
have six more weeks of winter."
Two robins are sitting in a tree. The first turns to the second and
says:
"I'm really hungry." His bird buddy responds: "Me too...
let's fly down
and find some lunch." The robins take wing and find a nice plot
of
fresh-plowed dirt... wriggling with plump, juicy worms. They ate...
and
ate... and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I
don't think
I
can fly back up to the tree," moans the
first robin. His bloated buddy responds: "Me neither...
Let's just
lay
here and bask in the warm sun." The first agrees and both birds
stretch
out
to enjoy the feeling of the warm sun on their worm-packed bellies. No
sooner
do the birds nod off, a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them down.
As
the happy kitty licks his chops after the feathery feast, he burps,
looks up
with a smile and purrs...
"Mmmm, I just love baskin' robins!"
Attn: IRS
Enclosed is my 1998 tax return & payment. Please take note of
the
attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see
that
the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for
a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers
(value
$1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the
overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election
Fund," as
noted on my return.
Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch
screw."
(See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head
screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward
to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayer
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed
with
another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her
husband down the
stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next
she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not
going to......to....cut it off are you?!"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope.
You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire. "
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's
now 97 and we have no idea where she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost
a
pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm
doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If we were supposed to touch our toes,
they'd
be further up our bodies.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small
country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass of Jack
Daniels.
Subject: Top 25 Country & western Songs
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth "Cause I'm Kissing You
Goodbye"
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're
Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the number 1 favorite country song is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A
Few.
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the
man
says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final
attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking. There's no paper in this
one either."
I am a very sick boy little boy. My mother is typing this for me,
because I can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy! Mommy is always
sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault,
but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask
her that anymore. The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was
born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep. The
doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with
leaves.
The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us
having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body
transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said
nobody
hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged
my
burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic
to burlap, and it chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You
can help me if you forward this email. Dr. Johansen said if you forward
this email then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey
with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school
children
all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear
them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a
collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors
could help
me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or
maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The
doctors said that every time you forward this letter, the
astronauts can take another prayer to the angels. Please help me. Mommy
is so
sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.
If you don't forward this email, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean
heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with
only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own
guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death
so you can burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you
that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your
friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their
days, and then
maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to
be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a
puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy that wouldn't try to bury its own
poop
in the leaves of my burlap body.
Thank You.
Billy 'Smiles' Evans
The boy with just a head, and a burlap sack for a body
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter
evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.
You
could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple
who has
been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed
his order
with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took
a table
near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was
one
hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he
carefully counted
out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip
and
then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began
to get
restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking.
"That poor old
couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As
the man
began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to
the old
couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple
to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were
used to
sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She
just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged
them to let
him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no,
they
were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly
with a
napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to
their
table and offered to buy some food. After being politely
refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Maam, why aren't you eating. You said that you share
everything. What is
it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "the teeth".
The plane's cabin was being served by an
obviously gay flight attendant who was
obviously enjoying himself.
He came swishing down the aisle and said through
the PA, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put
up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that
one woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute
engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my
country, I am called a Princess. I take orders
from no one."
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a
Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999
Ferrari GTO.
It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him
$500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a
mo-ped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million
dollars!
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost
so
much?"
"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states
the young
dude proudly.
The mo-ped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
around.
Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a
pretty
nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man
just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to
be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhhoooossshhh! something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the
young man
asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whoooooosh!
It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! and it looked like the
old man on the mo-ped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a mo-ped outrun
a Ferrari?!"
But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh,
Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! He runs up to the
mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for
you?"
The old man barely whispers, "Unhook...my suspenders...from your
side-view mirror......"
Subject: LIPSTICK ON THE MIRROR
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was
faced
with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick
and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on
their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little
lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she
asked
the
maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a
long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the
mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers and then there are Teachers!
Upgrading
Subject: blondes you gotta love em
***
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his
company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If
you
could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it
be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
***
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said,
"We were the first
on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be
the first on
the
sun. The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook
their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn
up!" said the
Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're
going at night!"
***
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street. Carol noticed
a
compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it,
looked
in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty
said,
"Let
me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact. Patty looked in the
mirror and
said, "You dummy, it's me!
***
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled
the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question
was, "If you
are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought
for
a
time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
***
The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination
hall,
stares
at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and
marking
the answer sheet-Yes for heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour
she
is
all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last
few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and
sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going
on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my
answers."
***
Q. There are three girls, all in grade 3: one a brunette, one a
redhead,
and one a blonde. Which one of them has the best body? A. The blonde,
because she's 19 years old.
Q. What does a blonde say after she graduates from college?
A. "Hi, welcome to McDonalds."
This is weird. Follow the instructions!
NO PEEKING AHEAD!
Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge.
Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. There's no
trick
or surprise.
Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time
and
as
quickly as you can!
Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each
of
them
... really.
Now, arrow down (but not too fast, you might miss something).
Think of a number from 1 to 10
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Multiply that number by 9
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If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together
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v
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Now subtract 5
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Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you
ended
up
with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c, etc.)
l
I
v
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Think of a country that starts with that letter
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Remember the last letter in the name of that country
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Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter
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Remember the last letter in the name of that animal
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Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter
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Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?
If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are
different
enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with
kangaroos
in Denmark when given this exercise. Freaky, huh?
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at
a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile
of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in
charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in
charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy,
"And you're in charge of supplies."
"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect
you guys to make a dent in that pile." The foreman
goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of
it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a
broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of
supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."
So then, the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why
he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't
get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge
of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really upset now, and storms off toward
the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the
pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!"
Juan comes up to the Mexican border
on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his
shoulders.
The guard stops him and says,
"What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see
about that. Get off the bike." The
guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds
nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand
analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you
got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough
examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses
the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated
every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina
in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the
guard, "I know you are smuggling something.
It's driving me crazy. It's all I
think about..... I can't sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you
smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says,
"Bicycles."
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing
and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a
lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he
had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and
gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what
your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what
time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"