McGross!!!

Katherine Ortega holds the fried chicken head she found in her box of chicken wings from McDonald's. (Sangjib Min - The Daily Press via AP)

>

> According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and

> female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop

> their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid

> December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth

>

> in the spring.

>

> Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's

> reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen........had to

> be

> a girl. We should've known........ Only women would be able to drag a

> fat

> man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get

> lost.

>

Subject: Bumper stickers for the new administration

"Those who cast the votes decide nothing.

Those who count the votes decide everything." -Joseph

Stalin

Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think

If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates

Jews for Buchanan

What popular vote? I voted - Didn't matter.

My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy

President

Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo

DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE.... LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT

FOR YOU

Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant?

Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.

Now do you understand the importance of user-testing?

One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)

I didn't vote for his Daddy either!

It ain't over til his brother counts the votes!

The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.

Banana Republicans

George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had

and my personal favorite:

The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered

in the desert for 40 years

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on

his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of

hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set

up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better

job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mail.

They sent e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded files.

They did some genealogy reports.

They created labels and cards.

They did every known job.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across

the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went

off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in

the Underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally came back on,

and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching

frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when

the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past

two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

> 1) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

> 2) The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

> 3) If your voting could really change things, Congress would make it

> illegal.

> 4) A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

> 5) When blondes have more fun do they know it?

> 6) Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

> 7) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

> 8) Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

> 9) The statement below is true.

> The statement above is false.

> 10) I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learners permit.

> 11) He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, dead.

> 12) I like pitbulls too. Let's exchange recipes.

> 13) Time is fun when you're having flies . . . Kermit

> 14) Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

> 15) Toilet stolen from Police Station. Cops have nothing to go on.

> 16) If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously

> haven't met everybody.

> 17) All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.

> 18) If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

> 19) Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?

> 20) Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

> 21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

> 22) Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

> 23) Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

> 24) Gun Control: Use both hands.

> 25) Remember: First you pillage, then you burn.

> 26) To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

> 27) If Ignorance Is Bliss, you must be Orgasmic.

> 28) Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

> 29) If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

> 30) Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

> 31) Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

> 32) Half The People In The World Are Below Average.

> 33) Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software.

> 34) Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet.

> 35) Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.

> 36) I'm pretty sure that 'bingo' is better than logic but I can't prove

> it.

> 37) Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh.

> 38) A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a

> thousand times more memory!

> 39) If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

> 40) If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?

> 41) Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime

> commitment for a pig.

>

>THE TOP TWENTY WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED

>20) The cucumber has left the salad.

>19) I can see the gun of Navarone.

>18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is

hanging out.

>17) You've got Windows on your laptop.

>16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

>15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

>14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his

bells.

>13) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and

locked

position.

>12) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

>11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

>10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

>9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

>8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower

deck, Sir!

>7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

>6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!

>5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of

"Hillary."

>4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

>3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

>2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

>...and The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is

Unzipped..

>

>1) Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis

>

 Give this a try - it only takes 10 seconds

>

> National Discount Brokers

> 1. Dial 1-800-888-3999 (it's free)

> 2. Listen to all of the options

> 3. After hearing the 7th option - Press 7

>

> Every company should have an option 7!!

>

>

> HOW TO SING THE BLUES

>

> 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

>

> 2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you

stick

> something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the

> meanest face in town."

>

> 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

> Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with

the

> meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh

500

> pound."

>

> 4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in

a

> ditch; ain't no way out.

>

> 5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues

don't

> travel in Volvos, BMWs or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues

> transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft

an'

> state-sponsored

> motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in

the

> blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

>

> 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.

Adults

> sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get

the

> electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

>

> 7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any

place

> in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression.

Chicago, New

> Orleans, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have

the

> Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

>

> 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male

> pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the

blues.

> Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

>

> 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The

lighting

> is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

>

> 10. Good places for the Blues:

> a. highway

> b. jailhouse

> c. empty bed

> d. bottom of a whiskey glass

>

> Bad places:

> a. Ashrams

> b. gallery openings

> c. Ivy League institutions

> d. golf courses

>

> 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you

> happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.

>

> 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

> a. you're older than dirt

> b. you're blind

> c. you shot a man in Memphis

> d. you can't be satisfied

>

> No, if:

> a. you have all your teeth

> b. you were once blind but now can see

> c. the man in Memphis lived.

> d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

>

> 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger

Woods

> cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got

a

> leg up on the blues.

>

> 14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other

> acceptable Blues beverages are:

> a. wine

> b. whiskey or bourbon

> c. muddy water

> d. black coffee

>

> The following are NOT Blues beverages:

> a. mixed drinks

> b. kosher wine

> c. Snapple

> d. sparkling water

>

> 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues

death.

> Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So

is

> the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down

cot.

> You

> can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting

> liposuction.

>

> 16. Some Blues names for women:

> a. Sadie

> b. Big Mama

> c. Bessie

> d. Fat River Dumpling

>

> 17. Some Blues names for men:

> a. Joe

> b. Willie

> c. Little Willie

> d. Big Willie

>

> 18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow can't

sing

> the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

>

> 19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

> a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

> b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

> c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

>

> For example, Blind Lemmon Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

(Well,

> maybe not "Kiwi.")

>

> 20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you

cannot

> sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog

or> get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't

care.

> Important UK Government Announcement

>

>

> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

>

> To the citizens of the United States of America,

>

> In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus

> to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

> independence, effective today.

>

>

> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical

> duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.Except

> Utah, which she does not fancy.Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon.

> Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware

> that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister

> for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the

> Senate will be disbanded.A questionnaire will be circulated next

> year to determine whether any of you noticed.

>

>

> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

> rules are introduced with immediate effect:

>

>

> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

> Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be

> amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.Generally,

> you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.Look up

> "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven wordsinterspersed with

> filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and

> inefficient form of communication.Look up"interspersed".

>

> 2. There is no such thing as "US English".We will let Microsoft know

> on your behalf.

>

> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

> It really isn't that hard.

>

>

> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

> the good guys.

>

> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

> Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.We would not want

> you to get confused and give up half way through.

>

> 6. You should stop playing American "football".There is only one

> kind of football.What you refer to as American "football" is not a

> very good game.

>

> The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your

> borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.

> You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play

> proper football.

>

> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.It is a

> difficult game.Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed

> to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not

> involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full

> kevlar bodyarmour like nancies).We are hoping to get together at

> least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

>

> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons

> if they give you any merde.The 98.85% of you who were not aware that

> there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.

> The Russians have never been the bad guys."Merde" is French for

> "sh*t".

>

>

> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.November 8th will be a new

> national holiday, but only in England.It will be called "Indecisive

> Day".

>

> 9. All American cars are hereby banned.They are crap and it is for

> your own good.When we show you German cars, you will understand what

> we mean.

>

> 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

>

> Thank you for your cooperation.

>

> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling

> you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be

> coming, I've made a few small changes:

>

> Our sidewalk will not be lined with home-made, paper bag luminaries.

> After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows

> of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

>

> The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or

> crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone

> will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using

> the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

>

> Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I

> promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration

> hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me

> it is a turkey.

>

> We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while

> you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I

> have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please

> remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering

> that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment

> to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If

> the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal

> drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey

> in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

>

> We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the

> start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.

> We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke

> alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.

>

> In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate

> table. In a separate room. Next door.

>

> Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in

> front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at

> our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private

> ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances,

> enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting

> children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey

> is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do,

> we will eat.

>

> Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice

> between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the

> traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small

> fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.

>

>

>

> "Toddler Property Laws" - Rated G

>

> 1. If I like it, it's mine.

> 2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.

> 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

> 4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.

> 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

> 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

> 7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

> 8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

> 9. If it it's near me, it's mine.

> 10. If it's broccoli, it's yours.

>

>

>

>

> A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

> -------------------

> 1 bar of soap

> 1 toothbrush

> 1 tube of toothpaste

> 1 loaf of bread

> 1 pint of milk

> 1 single serving of cereal

> 1 single frozen dinner

> The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single,huh?"

> The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"

> He says, "Because you're ugly."

>

>

>

>