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The scene was the Viennese Central Cemetery in 1827, few days after the

illustrious composer Ludwig von Beethoven was buried. A young music

student came to pay his respects at the tomb when he heard a strange

noises, which seemed to emanate from the grave. Terrified, he ran to find

a priest and brought him to the grave to listen to it.

 

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable

music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town

magistrate.

 

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for

a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being

played backwards."

 

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and

it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening,

"There's the Seventh ... the Sixth ... the Fifth ..."

 

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the

cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just

Beethoven decomposing."

I have an uncle who enjoys fishing. Here in Tennessee, we have a

wealth of fresh water fish, but Uncle Luigi loves to fish for carp.

One day he was out enjoying his favorite pastime, when he had occasion

to stand up in his boat. As he did, his wallet fell out of his pocket

into the water. As he was frantically trying to retrieve it, a carp

swam underneath the wallet, balanced it on its nose, and with a flip,

tossed the wallet over the boat, where another carp caught it and

tossed it back. The first carp again caught it and tossed it back to

the second carp. This went on for some time, until Uncle Luigi

realized that he was probably the first man ever to witness

carp-to-carp walleting.

 

Subject: DARWIN AWARDS, International Competition

 

One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the announcement who,

by

 

their own incredible, conscious actions remove their apparently faulty

DNA/chromosomes from the gene pool-making a safer place for all of mankind

to

someday swim.

This is a global phenomenon and the 1999 nominations reflect the universal

appeal and acclaim that this most prestigious award has grown to enjoy.

So,

 

without further ado, here are the runners-up for this year's award.

 

15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old man died of injuries sustained from a

3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy.

His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while

expectorating,

in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his

momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a

few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the

cement below. The Military specialist had a blood alcohol content of

0.14%,

 

impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a

Darwin

Award

 

(11 August 1999 Germany) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the

eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany.

A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and

forth

as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly

accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his

solar

viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the

sun.

 

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while

fishing

in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main

power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The

electric

shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water.

The

man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and

tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the

man

was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of

his

mother-in-law's death.

 

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own

dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in

the

Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved

dog

was howling inside the car.

The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw.

Police have ruled out foul play.

 

(1999, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter

was

shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he

pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the

victim,

named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his

shotgun

behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger,

shooting Ali in the head.

 

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long

lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his

competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia

hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a

100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for

beer

to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of

236 (winners never quit!), which had also netted him the literally

staggering

blood alcohol level of

0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of

0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of over indulgence, the

bath-room, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a

condition that became permanent.

A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4

bourbons,

 

and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and

40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to

0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The

cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined

the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known

whether Allan required any further embalming.

 

First Runner up Award goes to...

 

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia

with unexploded munitions and ordnance.

Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends

recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local

cafe in the south-eastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable

arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old

unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the

table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down

a

 

drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.

Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the

three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh

because

the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

 

And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is

 

(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time

caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30

Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different

cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was

initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by

klutzy

 

amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely

explosions.

 

Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from Daylight

Savings

time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving

pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two

weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a

Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The Confused

drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were

still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists

their well-deserved demise.

 

 

=======================================================

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You

aren't

so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After

many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?" he asked.

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

 

A Woman's Prayer

 

Dear God,

 

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my

temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.

I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.

I have not charged on my credit card. However, I am going

to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more

help after that.

 

Amen.

 

 

20 SHORTEST BOOKS

 

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

 

19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver

 

18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino

 

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

 

16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

 

15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates

 

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

 

13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

 

12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

 

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

 

10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

 

9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

 

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

 

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

 

6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

 

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

 

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA

 

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

 

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

 

And the World's Number One Shortest book...

 

1.MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

 

 

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a

beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over

themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up

arriving in front of her at the same time. Aware of her charms and her

obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells

them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together

in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy,

muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no

imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny

Golden Retriever. "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden

Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just

as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three

dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

 

The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is

the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the

Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

 

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?

A: Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LOVE this one!

Q: Where was the toothbrush invented?

A: Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been

called a teethbrush.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward

each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says "Hey,

Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guess

how many there are, can I have one?' "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll

give you

both of'em." "OK. Ummmmmmmm . . . five?"

 

Q: Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or

more?

A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

 

 

 

A young brunette goes to the doctor's office and says that her body hurts

wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor, "show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She

pushes her knee and screams . . . pushes her ankle and screams and so on.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a

blonde."

She says, "Yes, doctor."

"I thought so," he says, "Your finger is broken."

 

There was a guy in a bar one night who was really drunk, I mean REALLY,

REALLY DRUNK. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out

the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. He lurched over to her and

punched her in the face. The nun was completely surprised, but before she

could do or say anything, he punched her again. This time she fell down

and he kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a

wall. By this time, the nun couldn't move. He fell down beside her, put

his face up to hers and said.........

NOT VERY STRONG TONIGHT, ARE YOU BATMAN??!!!!

 

 

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO POLICE OFFICER WHEN YOU ARE PULLED OVER:

 

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

(OK in Texas)

 

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

 

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

 

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good

job!

 

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

 

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a

 

police officer.

 

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

 

8. I pay your salary!

 

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a

warning,

 

too!

 

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

 

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other

cars

around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

 

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been

drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes

look

glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

 

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word to

each

other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to

concede their position.

 

As they passed a farm with a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband

sarcastically

turned and asked his wife, "Relatives of yours?"

 

Yes," she replied, "In-laws."

 

We have often heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and others on the

religious right speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever

seen a copy of it.

 

A friend recently obtained a copy directly from the Executive Director

of Homosexuality. It reads as follows:

 

THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA

 

6:00 am Gym - work out with Personal Trainer

 

8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)

 

9:00 am Hair appointment

 

10:00 am Shopping

 

Noon Champagne Brunch

 

2:00 pm

1) Assume complete control of the Canadian Federal, State, and Local

Governments, as well as all other national governments;

2) Destroy all healthy marriages;

3) Replace all teachers in grades 1-12 with pedophiles;

4) Bulldoze all houses of worship;

5) Be fabulous

 

2:30 pm Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from the

stress of world conquest

 

5:00 pm Cocktails

 

6:00 pm Light Dinner (quiche, arugula salad with balsamic dressing,

Chardonnay)

 

8:00 pm Theater

 

Repeat

Exercise

1. It is well documented that for every mile you jog,

you add 1 minute to your life. This enables you at 95

years old...to spend an additional 5 months in a

nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day

when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know

where she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that

I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400

bucks. Have NOT lost a pound. Apparently, you have

to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my

brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our

toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken

by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach

covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you

die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross-county skiing,

start with a small country.

11. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of

my glass.