August, 2000 Clean Jokes
be sexy but.mpe deskgame.exe heat.exe beer_ad.mpe
Bored Meeting.exe illusion.pps posters.pps C130 in trouble
The scene was the Viennese Central Cemetery in 1827, few days after the
illustrious composer Ludwig von Beethoven was buried. A young music
student came to pay his respects at the tomb when he heard a strange
noises, which seemed to emanate from the grave. Terrified, he ran to find
a priest and brought him to the grave to listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable
music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for
a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and
it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening,
"There's the Seventh ... the Sixth ... the Fifth ..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just
I have an uncle who enjoys fishing. Here in Tennessee, we have a
wealth of fresh water fish, but Uncle Luigi loves to fish for carp.
One day he was out enjoying his favorite pastime, when he had occasion
to stand up in his boat. As he did, his wallet fell out of his pocket
into the water. As he was frantically trying to retrieve it, a carp
swam underneath the wallet, balanced it on its nose, and with a flip,
tossed the wallet over the boat, where another carp caught it and
tossed it back. The first carp again caught it and tossed it back to
the second carp. This went on for some time, until Uncle Luigi
realized that he was probably the first man ever to witness
Subject: DARWIN AWARDS, International Competition
One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the announcement who,
their own incredible, conscious actions remove their apparently faulty
DNA/chromosomes from the gene pool-making a safer place for all of mankind
This is a global phenomenon and the 1999 nominations reflect the universal
appeal and acclaim that this most prestigious award has grown to enjoy.
without further ado, here are the runners-up for this year's award.
15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old man died of injuries sustained from a
3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy.
His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while
in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his
momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a
few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the
cement below. The Military specialist had a blood alcohol content of
impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a
(11 August 1999 Germany) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the
eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany.
A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and
as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly
accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his
viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the
(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main
power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The
shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water.
man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and
tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the
was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of
(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own
dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in
Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved
was howling inside the car.
The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw.
Police have ruled out foul play.
(1999, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter
shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he
pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the
named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his
behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger,
shooting Ali in the head.
(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long
lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his
competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia
hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a
100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for
to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of
236 (winners never quit!), which had also netted him the literally
blood alcohol level of
0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of
0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of over indulgence, the
bath-room, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a
condition that became permanent.
A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4
and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and
40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to
0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The
cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined
the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known
whether Allan required any further embalming.
First Runner up Award goes to...
(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia
with unexploded munitions and ordnance.
Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends
recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local
cafe in the south-eastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable
arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old
unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the
table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down
drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.
Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the
three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh
the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.
And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is
(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time
caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30
Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different
cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was
initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by
amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely
Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from Daylight
time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving
pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two
weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a
Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The Confused
drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were
still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists
their well-deserved demise.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You
so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After
many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" he asked.
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
A Woman's Prayer
So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my
temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.
I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.
I have not charged on my credit card. However, I am going
to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more
help after that.
20 SHORTEST BOOKS
20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1.MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. Aware of her charms and her
obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells
them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together
in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy,
muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no
imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny
Golden Retriever. "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden
Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just
as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three
dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the
Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
A: Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.
LOVE this one!
Q: Where was the toothbrush invented?
A: Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been
called a teethbrush.
Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward
each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says "Hey,
Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guess
how many there are, can I have one?' "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll
both of'em." "OK. Ummmmmmmm . . . five?"
Q: Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or
A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
A young brunette goes to the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor, "show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
pushes her knee and screams . . . pushes her ankle and screams and so on.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a
She says, "Yes, doctor."
"I thought so," he says, "Your finger is broken."
There was a guy in a bar one night who was really drunk, I mean REALLY,
REALLY DRUNK. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out
the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. He lurched over to her and
punched her in the face. The nun was completely surprised, but before she
could do or say anything, he punched her again. This time she fell down
and he kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a
wall. By this time, the nun couldn't move. He fell down beside her, put
his face up to hers and said.........
NOT VERY STRONG TONIGHT, ARE YOU BATMAN??!!!!
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO POLICE OFFICER WHEN YOU ARE PULLED OVER:
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word to
other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a farm with a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
turned and asked his wife, "Relatives of yours?"
Yes," she replied, "In-laws."
We have often heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and others on the
religious right speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever
seen a copy of it.
A friend recently obtained a copy directly from the Executive Director
of Homosexuality. It reads as follows:
THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA
6:00 am Gym - work out with Personal Trainer
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
Noon Champagne Brunch
1) Assume complete control of the Canadian Federal, State, and Local
Governments, as well as all other national governments;
2) Destroy all healthy marriages;
3) Replace all teachers in grades 1-12 with pedophiles;
4) Bulldoze all houses of worship;
5) Be fabulous
2:30 pm Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from the
stress of world conquest
5:00 pm Cocktails
6:00 pm Light Dinner (quiche, arugula salad with balsamic dressing,
8:00 pm Theater
1. It is well documented that for every mile you jog,
you add 1 minute to your life. This enables you at 95
years old...to spend an additional 5 months in a
nursing home at $5,000 per month.
2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know
where she is.
3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that
I could hear heavy breathing again.
4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400
bucks. Have NOT lost a pound. Apparently, you have
to show up.
5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my
brain figures out what I'm doing.
6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our
toes, he would have put them further up our body.
7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach
9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you
10. If you are going to try cross-county skiing,
start with a small country.
11. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of