Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass.

"If you don’t mind me saying," said the second, "That cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?"

"I can’t," lamented the first man. "It’s permanent."

"I don’t understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp.

There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.

He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No shit?"

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An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I’m on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The clubencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!)

Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny’s rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!! It’s a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.)

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Thursday:

Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn’t help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my fucking shoes.) Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine... which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that BITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be BITCH). If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me fucking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Bitch.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the son of a bitching weather channel.

Sunday:

I’m having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun...like a root canal or vasectomy.

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear.