There is a new bumper sticker in New York State. It reads:
RUN, HILLARY RUN
Democrats put it on their rear bumper.
Republicans put it on their front bumper.

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.  The girl replied, "I’m drawing God."  The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."  Without missing a beat or looking up from her   drawing, the girl  replied,  "They will in a minute."

~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten  Commandments with her   five-and six-year-olds. After explaining the  commandment "Honor thy   father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"  One little boy (the oldest  of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.  "It wasn’t easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him." 

~~~~~~~

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her  mother do the dishes  at the kitchen sink. She noticed that her mother  had  several strands of   white hair on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Momma?"  Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."   The little girl thought about this for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come ALL of Grandma’s hairs are white?" 

~~~~~~~

A three-year-old went with his father to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.  "How did you know?" his mother asked.  "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it’s printed on the bottom."

~~~~~~~~

The children had all been photographed, and the  teacher was trying to   persuade each one to buy a copy of the group  picture. "Just think how   nice it will be to look at it when you are all  grown  up and say,   ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s   Michael. He’s a  doctor.’"  A small voice at the back of the room rang out,  "And  there’s the  teacher. She’s dead."

~~~~~~~~

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation  of  the blood. Trying   to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys,  if  I stood on my head,  the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."  "Yes, sir," the boys said.  "Then why is it that while I am standing upright  in  the ordinary  position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?"  A little fellow shouted, "’Cause yer feet ain’t  empty."

~~~~~~~~

For weeks, a six-year-old boy kept telling his  first-grade teacher  about the baby brother or sister that was expected  at his house. One day the  mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of  the  unborn child. The   six-year-old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment.  Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.  The teacher finally asked him, "Tommy, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"  Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"  

~~~~~~~

On the first day of school, the kindergarten  teacher  said, "If anyone   has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."  A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" 

Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking

along yesterday minding my

own business when a beautiful woman rode up

on this bike. She threw the bike

to the ground, took off all her clothes and

said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit."

--------------------

Comprehending Engineers

Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To

the pessimist, the glass is

half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is

twice as big as it needs to be.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were

waiting one morning for a

particularly slow group of golfers. The

engineer fumed, "What’s with these

guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in,

"I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can’t these guys play at night?"

--------------------

Comprehending Engineers

Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things

mechanical. After serving his company

loyally for 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the

company

contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having

with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried

everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no

avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved

so

many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly, again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $ 1

Knowing where to put it $ 49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

--------------------

Comprehending Engineers

Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical

Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

--------------------

Comprehending Engineers

Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered

together discussing the possible

designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

--------------------

Comprehending Engineers

Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain’t

broke, don’t fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features, yet."

--------------------

Comprehending Engineers

Take Eight

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time—why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a nonstop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it’s hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?