Nuptial Toaster Scandal Exposed!

OK, here's the deal for everyone not in the know.

Some member of our family (who will remain nameless, but rhymes with Joy Dillon) thought it would be a great idea if, along with a real wedding gift, we picked up the 'classic' wedding gift (a toaster) for our happy couple.  After all was said & done, the new blushing bride and still-dazed groom were staring at over a dozen toasters.  Some had British plugs, there were toy toasters, a campfire toaster, and the range of features, not to mention colors, simply could not be rivaled.  In fact, one gift was indeed from a designer who had gotten a layout of their new house, and had designed a Toaster Wall.

Needless to say, the new nuppies were a little overwhelmed.   Then began the email...

From Jeff (the groom):

And the replies have been coming ever since...

Dear Jeff,

I understand that this shipment may possibly include a wonderfully hand crafted,
personally designed masterpiece...  I can't possible begin to understand why you
would ever want to part with a piece of such extraordinary art.   This shipment
came to you with great planning, care and commitment (to keep silent and god is
that hard in this family).  It is upsetting to me that you would begin your life
with Aimee trying to hock such generosity.

I think that we should all ban together to resist the temptation to take Jeff up
on his most generous offer of such a variety of useful toasters.   It is
important that he and Aimee enjoy the gifts that have been bestowed upon them
and even display them masterfully (maybe even create the wall of toasters).

Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but once a wedding gift, always a wedding gift!

Hey, but maybe you could start a new tradition... use a brand spanking new
toaster each year that you are married.  You know how you store the cake until
your first anniversary?  Well, store all but one toaster until your first
anniversary and then take out another one... use it for a year and repeat every
anniversary until you run out!

Just my thoughts.
Kelly

Dearest Jeff and Aimee,

I think I speak for all of us when I say that we put considerable time and
effort into the careful choosing of each of those wonderful toasters, can
you really depart with such precious gifts!?!  The European toasters
travelled 5892 miles to be with you, Colleen had to give up considerable
suitcase packing space and we all know what a sacrifice that was for her.
Please take pride in the fact that you will be the only couple in the
neighbourhood with such a fine collection of appliances, you really have
some unique conversation pieces.

All our best to the newlyweds!

Regards,

Scott Abney

SCANDAL!  PROPOSED TOASTER SALE CAUSES WORLDWIDE REPERCUSSIONS!

I am just horrified at the ingratitude displayed by your message.   Surely you
can't be serious!!  Why, your friends and relatives planned this
extraordinary gift for months!  Your mother, who spent countless hours
planning the gift, will be grief stricken if she comes to visit and doesn't
see each and every one on display.  Better take a closer look at that design
for a toaster wall.  And remember, your bride says, "you can't have too many
toasters."

Dear Jeff:

Forgive me for feeling slighted, but you must realize the time, effort and
alcohol involved in my sincere and heartfelt toaster gift for you and Aimee.
  To hear that you have now placed it for sale on the Dillon family
equivalent of E-bay is disheartening, to say the least.  You must know that
all of these carefully selected gifts were given in love for you and your
new bride to treasure for many years to come.  I think I speak for all of us
when I say that we expect these toasters to be proudly displayed in your new
home so that the love and support of your family and friends is clearly
evident to all visitors to your home.  I am certain that Aimee would agree.

I understand that your mother has generously and graciously secured the
services of her own interior decorator to lend the appropriate ambiance and
elegance to your new cherished collection of keepsakes.  I think that Miss
Manners would have something to say about your ungrateful attitude.   I might
add that re-gifting is utterly inappropriate with these particular toasters.
  To break up this truly unique set of collector-quality home appliances
would diminish us all.

Please re-consider your decision to part with these lovely gifts.   And if
you still feel it necessary to part with your wedding presents at low, low
prices, I'll take the Waterford.

Holly

And finally they caved in to multinational family pressure...

Due to the severe family repercussions which we are currently experiencing,
we have elected to temporarily suspend bidding on our fine collection while
we re-evaluate our inventory.  Kind of like that New Coke thing, we had no
idea this would cause such a public uproar, and were only trying to make a
quick buck in the capitalist tradition.  My feeling is that we will now seek
to re-position these toasters as a more complete collection in the
marketplace at a later date, but we feel they need to age, collect a little
dust, to realize their true value, and we will allow them to do just that
(the dust part).

Therefore, we must ask that you retract all offers for these fine individual
toasters pending a public showing of the entire collection (anyone got an
old car we can glue them on?).  We do fully appreciate the alcohol (and that
other stuff) involved in all of your heartfelt gifts, especially that
seaside motif, and we now know that these toasters will leave a long and
lasting memory no matter what we do.  Wasn't that really your point to begin
with??!!!!???

Thanks so much for your concerned response, and for throwing Miss Manners in
our faces - that really did the trick.  Toasters are safe for the time
being, and the collection (of dust) has already begun.

Harry (the Father of the Bride), after being away for the weekend, quickly steps in to restore sanity and save the day...

I have no more returned from an exhausting political junket to Mexico, than I
find my [merged] family embroiled in a lamentable  and acrimonious confrontation
over the destiny of a valuable collection of kitchen appliances! Many of these
well-travelled modern marvels of culinary art were apparently on the verge of
being sold-off like goats or cattle to the highest bidder.

For shame!

Enter the peacemaker.

My command is that these delicate objects d'art be housed in an appropriate
venue where they can be admired and envied by one and all.  What better
place, I might ask, than in the presently dangerous trap that threatens the
lives of toddlers, curious dogs, and inebriated guests?  Yes! The useless
swimming pool can easily be converted into a monument to toasterdom!

Visualize this if you please:

Having poured two large cement-trucks-full into the dangerous abyss, the
toasters - objects of envy for miles around - can be gently set in the still-fresh
concrete in an aesthetic pattern to act as gleaming, tasteful adornments.
A leaded glass canopy over the entire ex-swimming-pool would protect
these museum quality eye-pleasers from the elements and, more important,
from the physiological emanations of the canine members of the Skillin
household who are prone, as most dogs  are, to despoiling anything of
beauty and novelty.

Alternatively, of course, the young couple can start a 'tea-and-toast'
guest house in which every guest is assigned his very own toaster, and
each room decorated in the spirit of that particular artifact. Think of the
covetous guests who are given a plain-jane toaster while their next-door
neighbor gets an elegant bilious green, or tastefully decorated appliance!
When life gives you toasters, make toast.  Indeed! Make toast while the
sun shines!

I have spoken.

Harry