March, 2000 Clean Jokes
Easter Keasters
fly mandarin.pps Quality Control (353KB)
famousrecipes.exe OK, it's not really a joke, but it's pretty cool! (426KB)
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock who was very
interested in making a pound where he could... so he often would thin down
his paint to make it go a wee bit farther.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their
biggest churches. Jock put in a bid and because his price was so
competitive, he got the job.
And so he set to, with a right good will-erecting the trestles and putting
up the planks, and buying the paint and ... yes, I am sorry to say,
thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done,
when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened
and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church
and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the
gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless
paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
fell on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I
do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin
no more!"
Subject: St. Patrick's Day Funnies
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the
group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: the bus seats
are
uncomfortable, the food is terrible, it's too hot, it's too cold, and
the
accommodations are awful.
As the group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone, their
guide
informed
them that "good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss
the
Blarney Stone,"
"Unfortunately," he continued, "it's being cleaned today and
so no one
will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some
other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid
stone."
"Well now," the guide said slyly, "it is said that if you
kiss someone
who
has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the guide said. "But I've sat on
it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
And MY all time FAVORITE!
Q: What's green and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'Furniture!
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
guy looks at the other and says, "I can`t help but think, from
listening to you, that you`re from Ireland. The other guy responds
proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland
might you
be?" The other guy answers, "I`m from Dublin, I am."
The first guy
responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did
you
live
on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area
it was, I
lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The
first
guy says, "Faith & it`s a small world, so did I!
And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy
answers,
"Well now, I went to St. Mary`s of course." The first guy
gets
really
excited, and says, "And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers,
"Well,
now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The
Good Lord
must
be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at
winding
up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I
graduated
from St. Mary`s in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and
mutters,
"It`s going to be a long night tonight, the Maguire twins are
drunk
again."
Hans and Frans worked together in the factory, and both were laid off,
so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Hans
said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The
clerk
looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave
him $100 a week unemployment pay.
Frans was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since
diesel
fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Frans $300 a week. When Hans
found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend
and coworker was collecting more than double his pay. The clerk explained:
panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled Hans. "I sew the elastic on, Frans
pulls them on, and
says, "Ya, diesel fitter."
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going
anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math,
history, and logic.
What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a
weedeater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the
professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since You have
a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching
on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you
are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinating' thing I
ever
heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back
into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"Let me give you an example. Do ya
own a
weed-eater?"
"No."
"Hmmm.....
You're queer, ain't ya?"
A real estate mogul in Beverly Hills, CA buys a BIG, new, full-house
Mercedes Benz, pulls out of dealership, comes to stoplight, and
encounters a
guy driving a similar, loaded MB.
He says..."do you have the V12 ?"
"Yep"
"Do you have the phone/fax machine?"
"Sure do"
"Do you have the TV set?"
"Of course . . . and I have the bed!" And with that the man drives off.
The first MB owner says, "THE BED? I gotta get the bed."
So he goes
to his Beverly Hills MB dealer and says, "I don't care what it costs,
I want THE BED!"
Two weeks later he has his new MB with a bed and he encounters the
same guy with the similar Mercedes at a stoplight. The car is parked
at a restaurant and it appears no one is in it, so he goes over and
knocks on the rear window. The window comes down slowly and car guy
one says. "hey, hey, I got THE BED!"
The other guy, irritated, says, "You got me out of the shower for
that?"
OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last
oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained
vehicle.
Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for
oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and
scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking
back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump
in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean
oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil
drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh
oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car