A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes,
getting a little practice in before the final exams. He
went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He
removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he
found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was
fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his
surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just
can't wait to get on the road again..." The student was
amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The
music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the
Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this. This
is really something!" the student told the examiner as he
pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just
can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?", the
Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with
the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing
thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole
can sing country music."

 THIS is funny...

Stages Of Life..

THE 'MALE' STAGES OF LIFE
=======================
AGE DRINK
* 17 beer
* 25 vodka
* 35 bourbon
* 48 double bourbon
* 66 Maalox

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
* 17 My parents are away for the weekend.
* 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend
* 35 My fiance is away for the weekend.
* 48 My wife is away for the weekend.
* 66 My second wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
* 17 sex
* 25 sex
* 35 sex
* 48 sex
* 66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
* 17 "tongue"
* 25 "breakfast"
* 35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
* 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
* 66 "Got home alive."

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
* 17 getting to third
* 25 airplane sex
* 35 menage a trois
* 48 taking the company public
* 66 firm bowel movement

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
* 17 25
* 25 35
* 35 48
* 48 66
* 66 17

AGE IDEAL DATE
* 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
* 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
* 35 "Just come over."
* 48 Sex in the company jet on the way toVegas.
* 66 "Just come over and cook."




THE 'FEMALE' STAGES OF LIFE
=========================
AGE DRINK
* 17 Wine Coolers
* 25 White wine
* 35 Red wine
* 48 Dom Perignon
* 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
* 17 shopping
* 25 shopping
* 35 shopping
* 48 shopping |
* 66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
* 17 "Burger King"
* 25 "Free meal"
* 35 "A diamond"
* 48 "A bigger diamond"
* 66 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
* 17 tall, dark and handsome
* 25 tall, dark and handsome with money
* 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
* 48 a man with some hair
* 66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
* 17 17
* 25 25
* 35 35
* 48 48
* 66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
* 17 He offers to pay
* 25 He pays
* 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
* 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

* 66 He can chew breakfast|

So, not all of us are as far along, but we are ALL aging. (and in need
of a good laugh, if you ask me)

1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc, Goose
7. Simon Says - Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Mylanta Bottle.
10. Musical Recliners

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna hear a
blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy
next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb
blond
with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs
225 and he's a rugby player,"
he continues, "the fella to your right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a
wrestler. Each one of US is blond. Think about it, Mister. You still
wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

------------------------------------

A mangy-looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
says,
"No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you
something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me isn't risqué."

"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar,
down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard
and starts playing Gershwin songs. And he's playing really well, too.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that
before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink
and asks the bartender for another.

"Money, another miracle, or else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog
on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He is a fine singer, with a
marvelous voice and great pitch. A stranger from the other end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog
to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a
singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be
crazy!"

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the nations` largest soup manufacturers announced today, that
they will be stocking Americas` shelves this week with their newest soup
creation, "Clinton Soup."

It will honor one of the nations` most distinguished men and will
consist primarily of a small weenie in hot water....

Why Engineers Don't Write Cookbooks

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten

2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall

heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients

one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor

vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add

ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is

homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three

equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally,

add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care

must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature

rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw

extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piecemeal on a

316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time

that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate

expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the

reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table,

allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Another Day in Dallas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady in Dallas calls 911. Hysterically, she says, "someone's just

broken into my house, and I think he's going to rape me!"

The police officer says, "I'm sorry, we're really busy at the moment.

Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you."

Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the

Super Bowl?

A. The Dallas Cowboys

Q: What's Jerry Jones' biggest concern?

A. Does Bail Money count against the Salary Cap?

1. What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?..... A huddle

2. Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?..... The police

3. Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?...

It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

4. Doctors say because of Michael Irvin's broken clavicle, it will be

6-8weeks before he can videotape a teammate having sex.

5. I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid

of the refrigerator, so now they want a coke machine.

6. The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is

going to take out artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on

"grass".

7. The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System".....

'Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor.'

8. The Cowboys had a 12 & 5 season last year. 12 arrests, 5

convictions.

9. The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so

they hired a new defensive coordinator:... Johnny Cochran.

10.How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring

training? Studying the Miranda Rights.

11.What's the difference between a Cowboys' fan and a baby?.....

Eventually the baby stops whining.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough

If OUGH stands for O as in Dough

If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis

If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour

If TTE stands for T as in Gazette

If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO should be:

"GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"

One day a guy went to work and found that a new girl had started.

Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.

The guy became quite besotted with Clearly, and after a while

it became obvious that she was interested in him, too. But this

guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly

while he was still going out with his steady, Lorraine.

Nevertheless, he decided that there was nothing to do but break up

with Lorraine and get it on with the new girl. He planned several

times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day when they went for a walk along the riverbank, Lorraine

slipped

and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran away smiling

and singing.......

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone."

*1040 EZ TAX FORM

_______________________________________________________________

1. How much money did you make? $____________

2. Send it to us.

TOTAL

$____________

U.S. Gov't. Form 8765309

Dear Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and

noticed

that the new program began unexpected child processing that took

up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this

phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife

1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during

system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5

and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever

selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while

attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall

does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please? Otherwise, I'm toast!

Thanks

Joe

=====

Dear Joe Toast:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly

due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the

idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to

run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still

convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your

system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is

gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program

files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not

designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or

Wife 2.0

but end up with more problems than with the original system. Look

in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support."

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the

entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must

assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,

regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command

C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because

ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the

operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as

long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great

program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional

software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any

circumstances, install Secretary With Short

Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is

likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck

Tech Support

PROVERBS FOR THE YEAR 2000

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. There's no place like http://www.home.com

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

18. Virtual reality is its own reward.

19. Modulation in all things.

20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the

Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

TOP 15 THINNEST BOOKS

15. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

5. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

4. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

3. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA

2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the World's Number One Shortest book...

1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES - by Bill Clinton

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story

of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the

first

pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.

She said... "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full

of

straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to

build

my house with?'"

Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

and my friend's son raised his hand and said...

"I know! I know!, he said.....'Holy sh*t! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

You Know You're from TEXAS when :~)

You only know five spices-salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce

and hot sauce.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wranglers and cowboy

boots.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your tractor than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees

outside.

(or put up Christmas lights when it was 80 outside.)

Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled

with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding."

You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with

only 8 buttons.

You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on ¼

page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.

You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing

plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the coyotes won't

prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry,

and your cowboy boots.

You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Deer

Season.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was

1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the

apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the

entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I

continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a

fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Subject: BAD DAY?

This from a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+

now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks,

something for the decoys to float on.

In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck

the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand

when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the

resulting blast. They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the

dynamite. (Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the

vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?)

things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high

burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell,

scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps

this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course

terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.

the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee.

this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance

And you thought your day was not going well!!!

------------------------------------------------

A blind man with his seeing eye dog walked into a bar.

The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around

over his head.

The blind man replies,"Just looking around."

Drink of Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad"

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! and if you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water

The Things Kids Say

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her

tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said.

"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shakey little voice: "The big sissy."

Sing-a-long

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.

The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle,

in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,

Moses or Rambo

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday

School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy

lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got

to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the

people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio

headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the

bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

OOPS

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned

a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while

before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear".

in a plastic wading pool in the backyard. They splashed a lot of water on

each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decide to take off the

wet clothes. The little boy looked a the little girl and said, "Golly, I

Dictionary of Dating:

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time,

and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate

to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so,

many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not

necessarily due to the shyness, but due to the fact that a woman's

eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who

has some flaw which makes sleeping with them totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feelings towards a man, which is usually

interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially

attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more

often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but

not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: When how attractive a given person appears to

be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your own date is.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sung to the tune of "Blowin in the Wind"

SONG FOR A MAN

(New words to an old Dylan song)

How many roads must a man drive down

Before he admits he is lost

Why when a man becomes married is he

unable to find his own socks.

How many times will it take 'til he knows

he has seen the three stooges enough

The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend

The answer, I cannot comprehend

How many shows can a man surf through

before the remote burns out

Why does he think that an intimate gift

is a Dustbuster Plus for the house

How many sounds can a man's body make

before he sleeps on the couch

The answer my friend, is take two aspirin

The answer is take two aspirin

Why when we go for a romantic drive

do we wind up at Builder's Square again

How many nights will he leave the seat up

so I land on cold porcelain

How men really feel is mystery to me

and probably a mystery to them

The answer girlfriend, is driving me to gin

The answer is driving me to gin.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for

their

first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is

all

excited, she loves her phone. He shows it to her and explains to her all

the

features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her

husband,

"Hi hun,"he says "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just

love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one

thing

I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"

Christmas Carols For the Psychologically Challenged

SCHIZOPHERENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Hall and Walls and House and Lawn and

Streets and Stores and Office

And Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks

and Trees and Fire and Hydrants...

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm

Gonna Pout, May be I'll Tell you why

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is

Flat, All is Lonely

OBSESSION-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell

Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle

Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle

Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle

Bell, Jingle Bell Rock (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True

Love Gave to Me (and then took it

away)

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a

train

stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on

beer

cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot

more as

they get older, then it dawned on me . . they were cramming for

their

finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny

spoons and

forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What

are we

supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put

their

pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them

while

they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are

the

OTHERS here for?

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,

is he

still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't

zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that

considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?

And who has been dissing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT

of the

water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me

are

furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people

appear

bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as

cold

tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Subject: FW: Letter From Camp in a bad dream...

Dear Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the

flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2

sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because

we

were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't

write

because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search &

rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if

it

hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for

going

on

a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it

was

during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?

The

wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some

of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It

wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.

Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something

to

break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think

it's

a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot,

sometimes

he lets us ride on the fenders.

It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding

in

the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked

to us.Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.

In

fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets

him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we

ever

see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out

in

the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim and

Chad

was

afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe

across

the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the

water

from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even

get

mad

about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time

working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess

what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When

Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet

works.

Also Wade and I threw up, but scoutmaster Walt said it probably was

just

food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got

sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out

and

became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how

to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy

bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,

Chris

P/S How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has

a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

*7 have been arrested for fraud

*19 have been accused of writing bad checks

*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

*3 have been arrested for assault

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

*8 have been arrested for shoplifting

*21 are current defendants in lawsuits

*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group

that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed

to

keep the rest of us in line.

Subject: Texans and perhaps others.....

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had

covertly

funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years,

whereby

the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel-drive pick-up

trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances

in

the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find that in 49 of the 50 states, the last words

of

drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the

state

of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold

my beer and watch this!"

Y2K Backup System

While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by

January 1, 2000, and

most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim

they will also be

fully compliant, we obviously need to make some

preparations in case

unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the

needs of our

customers.

Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System"

device designed to meet

short time emergency needs in case of a computer

operations failure, or

operational delay. This device is the company's

Primary Emergency

Network Computer Interface Liaison device

(P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device

has been field tested extensively, including

certification testing, as

well as volume and stress testing. Properly

maintained, the device meets

all the requirements for coding and data input.

Prior to use, the

(P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing.

Tools and supplies

required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding

device; and a supply of

computer paper (with or without holes).

Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to

scrape or grind the

wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The

dark core area must

be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed

employees should read this

sentence backwards, and then go to your supervisor

for assistance.)

Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth,

hard surface. Take

the backup device, place the sharpened point against

the paper, and pull

it across the paper. If properly done, this will

input a single line.

CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of

the device or damage

the data reception device. If either the

P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are

damaged, go back to the preparation instructions

above.

Proper use of the device will require data

simulation input by the

operator. Placing the device against the computer

page forming symbols

as closely resembling the computer lettering system

you normally use. At

the completion of each of the simulated letters,

lift the device off the

page, move it slightly to the right, replace it

against the page, and

form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and

somewhat redundant,

but, with practice, you should be able to increase

your speed and

accuracy. The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual

deletion device.

The device is located on the reverse end of the

P.E.N.C.I.L. Error

deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key

on your computer.

Simply place the device against the erroneous data,

and pull it

backwards over the letters. This should remove the

error, and enable you

to resume data entries.

CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data

reception device.

Insufficient force, however, may result in less than

acceptable

deletion, and may require re-initialization of

action as above. This

device is designed with user maintenance in mind.

However, if technical

support is required, you can still call your local

computer desk

supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.

* Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.

* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay

off.

* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

* It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

* If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to

hurt you.

* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember

them either.

* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

* Your eyes won't get much worse.

* Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

* Things you buy now won't wear out.

* No one expects you to run into a burning building.

* There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at

passing cars to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

3) Insist that your e-mail address be

XenaGoddessOfFire@companyname.com

or ElvisTheKing@companyname.com.

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries

with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized

chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has

gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "...in accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights

up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are.

16) Specify that your drive through order is "to go"

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Wear them one day after your boss does.

(This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20) Send Email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're

doing.

For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22) Five days in advance tell your friends you can't attend their party

because you're not in the mood.

AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple:

Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book,even if they sent it

to you.