99sep_dirty

Sept, 1999 Dirty Jokes

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes."

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Top 20 Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similes:

20. His body was hard-not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman.

19. Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat being through with a roasting spit.

18. Her embrace made his manhood swell like week-old roadkill on hot in the Georgia sun.

17. Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in sugar bowl.

16. As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.

15. Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.

14. ...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.

13. Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples like hypodermics washed up on the shore.

12. With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign -- yet could NOT!

11. He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House letter in prize.

10. His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.

9. Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger, Donovan glided Annabelle's adoring gaze.

8. Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like a motor boat over her man-organ and pissed away his dreams.

7. Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face her happy meal.

6. With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.

5. He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned and like Warren.

4. He awoke her slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. "Starbuck!" she cried.

3. His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.

2. Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Metaphor or Simile...

1. His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.

Three hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shoppin today and bought an air conditioner.. Hell, we ain't got no electricity!" The others laughed. The second guy says, "Ah, that ain't nothin, my wife's dumber than that. She went shoppin yesterday and had a washin machine delivered." He snickered. "Why, nobody around here has plumbin!" The others laughed. The third Hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman's got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six rubbers. Hell, she ain't even got no penis!"

USEFUL EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS

Useful expressions for high stress days

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Do I look like a fucking people person?

5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

6. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

7. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

8. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

9. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?

10. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

12. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

13. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

20. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

21. I'm gonna smack you so many times, you'll think you're surrounded...

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend
to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket-If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabby said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars,get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport andwas barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions,with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in the front seat and asked How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K.." And off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and THUMBS UP sign to each driver.