Sept, 1999 Clean Jokes
Viagra 434KB
My Office 56KB
Great one from FarSide 137KB
Snowball fight (OK, out of season, but...) 2423KB
Computer Buttons we wish we had 137KB
Gidget Eyes (taco bell) 437KB
Impaired - Why not to Drink
Call
800-578-7453. You WILL LAUGH. Really.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life
is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm."SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
Things I've Learned:
I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned- that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned- that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned- that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.
I've learned- that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.
In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry. Each is 17 syllables. Ingenious!
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
------------------------
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
------------------------
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.
------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
------------------------
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
------------------------
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
------------------------
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
------------------------
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
------------------------
Three things are certain
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
A polar bear goes into a bar and says, Can I have a gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . tonic please?"
The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"
Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had em."
A True Story: if she had killed herself, she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
24th ANNUAL TEXAS CHILI COOKOFF - JUDGES NOTES:
Notes From an Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster MonsterChili out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili is in the front part of my chest.
Chili# 4: Bubba's Black Magic refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety flames. No one is inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili just let it in through the hole in my stomach. I love Sally.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
***************************************************
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of and it says in your files that you know COBOL."
Subject: Kids answering grownup questions
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them." Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no
diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't the e?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing -- the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
Best T-shirts of 1999, which ran recently in the Washington Post:
God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Liberal Arts Major...Will Think for Food
Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
In Dog Years, I'm Dead
Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks YouTake
Some Jobs --------- I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Boeing Employees ---------------- Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter that was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Best Job ------------ I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
The following were the winners of a New York magazine contest in which
contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language,
change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new
expression.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO
Lost in the mail.
IDIOS AMIGOS
We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM
I think; therefore I waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM
Death styles of the rich and famous.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown (or politician, your call)
MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD
Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food.
VENI, VIDI, VICE
I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO
fast retort.
ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know.
MAZEL TON
tons of luck
VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it.
AMICUS PURIAE
Platonic friend.
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO
I'm bossy around here.
COGITO, ERGO SPUD
I think, therefore I Yam. (OK, more than one letter.)
VENI, VIDI, VELCRO
I came, I saw, I stuck around. (OK, another exception)
Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by
its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.
All us Southerners already know this. This is a fair warning to all
Yankees (northerners who visit the South) or Damn Yankees northerners
who come south and stay.
Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, MariBeth and
Inez have been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda, this can lead to a
beating. Down here it's called Co Cola, even if you want a Pepsi.
Southern women don't fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember,
they all have brothers and daddies.
Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than a
SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming
every week.
Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated
than you and a whole lot nicer to boot.
Yes, we know the humidity is high, just quit bitching, spend your
money and go home.
No, the state symbol of Georgia is not the orange and white highway
barrel. This road construction is pissing us off too.
Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this
everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God
meant for you to do.
Don't try to talk with a southern accent if you don't have one.
Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe.
Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you
don't like it here, get your sorry ass back home!
We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so
don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
A blonde's carbreaks down on the Interstate, so the driver eases over on to
the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out
jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where
they
stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing
themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups occurs. It's not verylong
before
a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of
the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.
*
*
*
(Here it comes.)
*
*
*
(Are you ready?)
*
*
*
"These are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde!
Subject: FW: Points to Ponder
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever
know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?
5. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all
right?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are
already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"
?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do
it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Let's pick on men instead of blondes time:
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed
gasping for breath and calling your name? You
didn't hold the pillow
down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious
odors, and half the time
they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in
between his neck and the
noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook they eat; we clean they dirty; we iron
they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see
a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his
nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the
future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical
male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and
thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
ONE...............He just holds it up there and
waits for the world
to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet
restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks
he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has
everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a mans' idea of honesty in a
relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit
ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and
an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough
draft before creating
your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the
males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what
happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to
fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for
directions.
Why is it good that there are female
astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the
woman will ask for
directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men
than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood,
he's already
there.
Texas Humor:
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the
bar because, he announces his wife has just
produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing
20 pounds."
Congratulations shower him from all around,
and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The
bartender says, "Say, you're the father of
the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds
at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why?
What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds
at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his
long neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his
shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and
proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
*******
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE
1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come
inside.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for
directions.
2. Dogs like beer.
3. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
4. Dogs don't criticize.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.
6. Dogs never expect gifts.
7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever
had.
8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours
a
day.
10. Dogs don't cry.
11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late - the
later
you are, the more excited they are to see you.
14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
20. A dog's parents never visit.
THE 10 CARDINAL RULES OF DRIVING IN HOUSTON
1. Turn signals provide clues as to your next move in the road battle,
so
never use them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do,
the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more
dangerous situation.
3. It is considered correct in Houston to honk your horn at cars that
don't move the instant the light changes. Our city is founded upon such
traditions.
4. Construction signs are carefully positioned to tell you about road
closures immediately after you pass the last opportunity to exit, but
just
before the traffic begins to back up.
5. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to
provide
useful information, but just to tell time and make Houston look
progressive.
6. Learn to swerve abruptly. Houston is the home of the very
high-speed
slalom driving thanks to Texas DOT, who put potholes in key locations to
test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make Texas look as if it
conforms with other state policies; these are intended only as
suggestions
and are actually unenforceable.
8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic on I-10.
9. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Southeast
Houston.
10. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just
follow
the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is
how
Houstonians notify the Texas DOT where exits should have been built.
*******
How To Identify Where A Driver Is From....
* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:
Chicago
* One hand on wheel, one finger out window:
New York
* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston
* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California.
With gun in lap:
Riverside
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror:
Ohio, but driving in California.
* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat:
Italy
* One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on
brake,
mind on game:
Seattle
* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both
feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a
McDonald's
bag out the window:
Texas City male
* One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different
angles
of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to
keep
the helmet hair going, = both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering
the
car.
chrome . 38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove
compartment:
Texas female
* Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on
floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger
seat:
Arkansas
* Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level,
driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida
Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like ... coffee
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.
Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... power tools
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like .. remote controls
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like .... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like ... road kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like ... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like ... plastic wrap
Cheap, Clingy, and very easy to see through.
Men are like ... department stores
Their clothes seem to be always half off.
Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom.
