October, 1999 Dirty Jokes

A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said "goats."

Just celebrated our 25th. wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy.

Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

DAY 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said "this time I'd rather not have your mother join us." I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra hoping to lift something other than his mood.

This Viagra thing has gone to his head, no pun intended! Yesterday at Burger King the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, I have to admit.....

DAY 6

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday instead of mowing the lawn he was using his "new friend" as a weed wacker. Sore as hell now......

DAY 7

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over......

DAY 8

The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in "Hamlet" and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man....

DAY 9

OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black & Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to to bed.

DAY 10

I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous!

Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scudd missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out....

DAY 12

I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him!!

I've done everything to turn him off, nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me!!!

DAY 14

I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to....stiff. With my luck I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to go f*ck himself....he tried.

A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before. So he calls up his dad and asks him, "what do I do first?" His dad says, "take her clothes off and put her in bed." The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "she's naked and in bed what do I do now?" His dad says, "take your clothes off and get in bed." He calls back 5 minutes later and says, "I'm naked and in bed with her what do I do now?" His dad's patience is now running out so he says, "look son do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees!" The hillbilly calls up 5 mins later and says, "OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"

The following are the winners from a "Most Embarrassing Moment contest in New Woman Magazine:

 1 While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now,' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4 This actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year in a biology class, the Prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?" "That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class ... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic...Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

Once upon a time...there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. Everything the king's daughter touched would melt. No matter what it was, glass, metal, wood, plastic, etc.  Every single thing she touched would melt. Because of this sad situation, men were afraid of the king's daughter. Nobody would dare marry her.

 The king called for the wizard to come see him...The king told the wizard what was happening to his daughter. The wizard told the king, "If your daughter could just touch one thing that would not melt in her hands, her condition will be cured."

 Needless to say, the king was overjoyed. The next day, the king held a competition. Any man who could bring an object to his daughter, have her touch the object and it not melt, gets to marry her and inherit all of the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

 Brave souls...

 The first prince brought a huge diamond. He thought a diamond is the hardest and will not melt. But, alas, once the princess touched the diamond, it melted!! The second prince brought a very hard alloy. But the same thing happened to this metal and so he too went away.

 Things were not looking good for the princess!!! The third prince went up to the princess and whispered in her ear, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel it." The princess did as asked, though turning somewhat red. TA DAHHH!!! It did not melt! The king was overjoyed. The princess was pleased too. And, the third prince lived happily and very rich....

 Question: What was the object in the third prince's pocket??? Scroll down ;)

A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me, lie to me!"

11. Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first-sucked dry and tossed into the canal below. Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal. The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang, ............

  Scroll down............

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

 Your Husband

 When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

 Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.

 Your Wife

My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out, What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout.

 Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring, But now I've got a full-time job, To find the blasted thing.

 It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave, For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave.

 Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues, To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoe.