October, 1999 Clean Jokes

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything that went with it; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking, next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money." No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house." Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes." Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later? " "I don't want the cars or planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "You gotta want the girls!?" "No, I don't want the girls." The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!" "I want the bastard that pushed me in."

  A married couple was having a friendly argument about who talks more, men or women.  It had all started when the husband showed his wife a newly published study which showed, according to scholars, that on average, men use about 1,500 words each day, while women use twice as many.  "That may well be," retorted his wife, "but I'll tell you why: It's because women have to repeat every single thing they say to men!"  "What?" answered her husband.  

 The Blonde & The Coke Machine

  There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

  Signs that you have had too much of the 90's 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 4. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. 5. When you make phonecalls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line. 6. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 7. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer. 8. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital. 9. You're already late on the assignment you just got. 10. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". 11. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling. 12. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "mates you send jokes to" e-mail group. 13. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway

  Subject: FW: 7 steps to bath a cat

  How to Bathe A Cat

  1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.

  2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.  

3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.  

4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting.  

5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat.  

6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up its ass.  

7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting.

  Watch Out For That Tree  

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

And she had two arms, two legs and three breasts. And God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself and she asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob. And God created Man ==============================================

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

  Subject: What a life

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could you please do it one more time?" Of course the wife agrees, and they do it again.

 Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please.....just one more time before I die" She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

 After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he is down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.

 "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could............." At this point the wife sits up and says,

 "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."

 Some Of The Worst News Headlines ---------------------------------- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

 Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

 Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

 Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

 Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

 Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

 Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

 Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

 Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

 Miners Refuse to Work after Death

 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

 Stolen Painting Found by Tree

 Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

 War Dims Hope for Peace

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

 Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

 Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

 Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

 New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

 Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, It will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.

 A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf !"

Subject: Quotes from the Montreal comedy festival:

On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." --Rich Jeni

 "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Bennetton. You never know." -- Franck Dubosc

 "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine

 On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green

 "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing

 "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency

 "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni

 "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -- Tim Steeves

 "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Jimmy Shubert

 "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Rich Jeni

 "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Emo Philips

 "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" -- Emo Philips

 "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Rich Jeni

 "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Ren Hicks

 "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Emo Philips

 "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Kevin James

 "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." -- Emo Philips

  HEAVEN - The year: 2031 President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, former President of the United States and Leader of he Free World." Oh...Mr.. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton. "Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?" Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury. With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to "abandon all hope," just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

Here Are Some Optical Illusions ( this is really cool )

Old Woman...Or Young Girl?

hint: the old woman's nose is the young girl's nose and chin

Man Playing Horn... Or Woman Sillhouette?

Woman In Vanity... Or Skull?

hint: move farther a bit from the screen and blink to see the skull or the woman (looking at the mirror)

Two Faces... Or One?

A Rabbit.... Or A Duck?

hint: the duck is looking left, the rabbit is looking right

A Face Of A Native American... Or An Eskimo?

Is The Book Looking Towards You... Or Away From You?