November, 1999 Clean Jokes

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Johnny Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Johnny Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Johnny Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do. Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door. He went home, hit the statue under his bed and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You know who

  1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

6. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.

7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.

  2. One of a pair of identical twins is always born evil.

  3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

  4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

  5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

  6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

  7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

  8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

  9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, and then depart without witnessing the cruel and diabolical demise which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

  10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

  11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

  12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

  13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

  14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.

  15. In war it is impossible to die unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

  16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German).

  17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

  18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

  19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

  20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises alone in their most revealing underwear.

  21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter ... Password Now.

  22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

  23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

  24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

  25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

  26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

  27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.