May, 1999 Clean Jokes
Free.gif
<- Great Advertisement
The Washington Post’s "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN....according to Dave Barry
Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later, he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after awhile neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking:...so, that means it was...let’s see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him.I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure. And Roger is thinking:They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty...scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their... "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don’t torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so...(She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I’m such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse." "There’s no horse?" says Roger. "You think I’m a fool, don’t you?" Elaine says. "NO!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It’s just that...it’s that I...I need some time," Elaine says. There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing himt to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and ask if Elaine ever had a horse.
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1998 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES: ½ COCKER SPANIEL - ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED. CALL CHUBBIE
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents LB.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS-$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT’S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON- FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
Some Actual Signs
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we’ll wait."
On an electrician’s truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist’s office, "If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place."
On a taxidermist’s window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher’s window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner’s emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian’s waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
: You might be a redneck jedi if...
1.You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y’all."
2.Your Jedi robe is camouflage
3.You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.
4.At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
5.You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
6.You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
7.You have ever had an X-Wing up on blocks in your yard.
8.The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
9.Wookies are offended by your B.O.
10.You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
11.You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
12.Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the darkside...it’ll be a hoot."
13.You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
14.You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
15.You think Hans Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks a little sissy in that vest.
16.You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
17.You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
18.Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
19.You ever fell in love with your sister.
20.You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire as, "them damn Yankees."
21.You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
22.You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a red wood deck.
23.You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.
24.In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain’t right."
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant.At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced, "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her:
"Ma’am, perhaps you couldn’t hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."
She still wouldn’t comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I’m called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"
"The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice" When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
"Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look.
"Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
