March, 1999 Dirty Jokes
Millennium Year Application Software System (MYASS)
We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennium Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 AM there will be a meeting in which the boss will show MYASS to everyone who hasn't used it. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not yet addressed the networking aspects, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he quickly buried his nose in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business, so as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS". This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data, the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That’s wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law!"
Subject: Bad to Worse
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can`t find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You`re in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He`s a cross dresser
Worse: He looks better than you
Good: Your son`s finally maturing
Bad: He`s involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections
Good: Your wife`s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She`s a lawyer
Good: The postman`s early
Bad: He`s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your daughter has a new boyfriend, and wants to get married
Bad: She's pregnant, and it's his.
Worse: He's your illegitimate son from an affair you had many years ago.
Good: You get into bed, and she's feeling horny tonight.
Bad: You are drunk, and are feeling tired.
Worse: You forgot her mother is staying over, and you've entered the wrong room.
Subject: 12 Questions Answered...
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
A: White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....". Black fairy tales start, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.
Q: What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo!
Q: How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. So, a nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery & takes them to a private room. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him. "Whoa!" he says, "What's going on?" She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages. The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?" So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task. Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him. Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair." The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and HMO!"
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed a kid up ahead wearing fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Lab retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that he had a rope tied around the dogs testicles, which accounted for the dogs gingerly pace. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's a really nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah" replied the boy "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a skirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh, dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."