June, 1999 Clean Jokes
Star Wars game (340KB) from Cousin Kelly
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, the Wal-Mart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it". A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?" There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida." The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question." The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better. The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother’s husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
Words of Wisdom
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
You can’t strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
Who gossips to you will gossip of you.
When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it’s always a negative one.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
The trouble with work is - it’s so daily.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are OK, you’re it.
Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Subject: Red Necks In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there’s yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there’s yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?"
Subject: [Fwd: Louisiana Humor]
A Louisiana State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-10. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"
Q: What’s long and hard on an LSU football player? A: First grade!
Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Louisiana State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Cajun Country?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
Q: Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Baton Rouge burned down?
A: Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.
A new law recently passed in Southern Louisiana: When a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.
Q: What’s the best thing to ever come out of Louisiana?
A: I-10.
Two cajuns are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey T- Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?" "Jus’ some crawdads." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
Q: What do a divorce in North Louisiana, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose ‘em a trailer.
A coonass came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Say, don’t you still have those big red trucks?"
Q: What do you get when you have 32 cajuns in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said "That would be okay" and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world... The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me..." So, poof she’s the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you..." The woman said. "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine... ", poof-she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered "I’d like a mild heart attack...
This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas web-site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) -- and made the web department take it down immediately.
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name:.............................................. Initial: .
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ...... /......
4. Serial Number:..............................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please mark the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please mark the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please mark the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (mark all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Republic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Travelers's check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department, Military Aerospace
Golf Pro
One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decided to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot. Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do." Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming towards the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of the water and rolls onto dry land only 3 inches from the hole. Moses says, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!" No sooner did Moses say this, than the skies grew dark. The wind started up, lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses had hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle and he drops the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out and drops into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your Dad plays!!"