Dirty Jokes ,July, 1999
This is an EXTREMELY rude (but hilarious) 'Harlan Ellison' type response about Chain Letters. We've all received them via e-mail and we've even passed some on. If you like Chain Letters DON'T READ THIS because you will be offended. If you hate Chain Letters READ THIS - you will feel vindicated! Enjoy!
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Hi,
My name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you email $1000? How fucking stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalogue! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big F**K YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D.and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. F**k them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send something interesting. Don't send those "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel" forwarded about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)
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Make a wish!!!
Really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 50 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of shit. It's true! Because, you know, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!
Here's how it goes:
*Send this to one person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*20 to 674951 people: 20 to 674951 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
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Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for everytime you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out. Send this to five people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder-if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
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Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this off to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like: Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend. They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!
Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.
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Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends
A friend is someone, who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a monkey and then thrown to vicious dogs
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, the mutant lizards will eat you.
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I hope you can use this to put an end to any chain letters you ever receive from now on.
Summer time is approaching quickly, and the kids want to go to camp. Camp is to be a fun filled time of joy, playing with the other kids,swimming, making crafts, and just "hanging out". With so many to choose from it would be easy to make a mistake and send your kid(s) to the wrong camp. The National Association of Camp Monitors has posted a list of camps that would probably not be suitable for your kids. The list is below.
Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to.
10. Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's----- Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton's-Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's---- Camp Lickacoochie
And the number one camp not to send your kid to:
1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee
Subject: FW: THE PERFECT DAY! (fwd)
Perfect day for a Woman
.8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
.8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
.8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
.9.15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
.10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
.10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
.12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
.12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
.13:00 Shopping with friends.
.15:00 Nap.
.16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret .admirer.
.16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
.17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
.19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
.22:00 Hot shower. Alone.
.22:30 Make love.
.23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
.23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
.Perfect Day for a Man
.6:00 Alarm.
.6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section of USA Today.
.7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
.7:30 Limo arrives.
.7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
.8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
.9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
.9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
.11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
.12:15 Blowjob.
.12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
.14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
.14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
.15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
.16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
.17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Kathy Ireland.
.19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
.19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 0z. NewYork .strip.
.21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba cuban cigar.
.22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
.23:00 Massage and jacuzzi.
.23:45 Go to bed.
.23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
.23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle, Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
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Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"
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What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
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Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
Subject: world laws
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one.)
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder how they enforce THAT law?)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the WORLD that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?)