Clean Jokes , July 1999

Lunch Break courtesy of Cousin Kelly

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." The Queen seriously do bts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her.

 A New Orleans lawyer we know sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. Good queen Isabella, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume He also made the part of the  world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

THEY GOT IT.

Subject: Humour: Tech support calls

More support desk horror stories

At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She got her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

 *******************************************************

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." 

Customer: "Ok." 

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

*******************************************************

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

*******************************************************

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." 

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

*******************************************************

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer "No..."

*******************************************************

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

*******************************************************

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."

Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"

Customer: "I can't open the box."

Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."

Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

*******************************************************

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and type 'dir'."

Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."

Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?

*******************************************************

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars. Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage." 

Customer: "What is that?"

Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."

Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

*******************************************************

And the best for last!!!!

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

 Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"

Silence.

Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"

 Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"

 Customer: "Ummmm."

 Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"

 Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"

 Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says....... "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me  rom being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor". Flustere , the ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blond pipes up..... "You stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"

 The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR FACE IN.

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 a.m. to profess your undying love.

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you don't know.)

  WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns to the forehead.

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really really big guy nicknamed "Bulldog."

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

  WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes HUGE) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

 WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

  LONG AWAITED BRUNETTE JOKES

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?

A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?

Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?

No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?

So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?

Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?

"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?

The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?

When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?

The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?

A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?

Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?

It matches their mustache.

The Breast Stroke

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, and redhead, and a blonde.

 After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

 About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

 Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

 When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those other two girls were using their arms!"

 There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half... The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada sir."  "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for? 

Short Stories Of The Truly Moronic

Will the real dummy please stand up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

 With a little help from our friends!

 Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

 What was plan B?

 An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

 These nitwits are teaching our children?

 A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

 -and-

 A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy).

 Some days, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps!

 Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

 The getaway!

 A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 Too well educated?

 In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

 Did I say that?

 Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who  ust couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

 Ouch, that smarts!!!

 A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the- Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

 Are we are communicating?

 A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

 Not the sharpest knife in the drawer!

 In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

A blonde was terribly overweight and wanted to look good again, so her The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

  When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by having lost I was going to drop dead by the end of the third day."

  "Not from hunger I hope?" asked the doctor.

  "No, from skipping," said the blonde

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in The July 21,1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."

12. "Marital status single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice m

15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

21. "Note Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

23. "Reason for leaving last job They insisted that all employees get to work by 845 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. "My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

 Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads SISTERS OF MERCY He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks... "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and then she leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long back habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the  arge wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

Golden Retriever The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid

 Border Collie Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Toy Poodle I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

 Rottweiler Go Ahead! Make me!

Lab Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Old English Sheep Dog Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays.

And help me to remember.....

When I'm having a really bad day, And it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival.

 The Darwin Award Nominees for 1999 are:

1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saluki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saluki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of Suffocation en-route t  the hospital.

 2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian Roulette and put a semi-automatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.

 3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."

  4 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

 5 - MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

 6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman an  was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

 7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.

 Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

 AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....

 THOMPSON, MANITOBA,CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feedhorn.

 Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told co-workers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.

 Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.

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 Let's all thank these people for their sacrifice and hope that any offspring they may have propagated get the better part of their genes from the other parent.