Jan 99 Dirty Jokes

Subject:  The Gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday.  As  they had not been dating for very long, after careful   consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right   note...romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's   younger sister, he purchased a pair of white gloves, while the younger  sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping,  the store clerk mixed up the items and  the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart received the panties.   Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his   sweetheart along with this note.

 Darling,

 I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing  any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I  would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that  are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them   from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three days and  they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked  really smart.    I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt   other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see  you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting  them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think  how may times I will kiss them during the coming years and I do hope that  you will wear them for me Friday night.

 All my love,

p.s. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur  showing.

Dear Bill:

As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial. Jimmy Carter

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Dear Bill:

OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!

Gary Hart

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My Dear Chap:

This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant

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Bill:

They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up!

Mayor Marion Berry

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Dear Bill:

Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall.

Marv Albert

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Dear Mr. President:

You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex. Warm personal regards,

Newt

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Dear Bill:

Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.

Frank Gifford

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Dear Mr. President:

Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!

Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

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Dear Former Worthy Opponent:

Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!

Bob Dole

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Dear Mr. President:

I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.

Michael Jackson

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Dear Fellow Sinner:

Jesus forgives you and so do I. Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

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Dear Bill:

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Jim Baker

P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

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Dear Bill:

Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!! With sympathy,

Rob Lowe

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Dear Bill:

If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor)

HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales

 

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"   "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."