Jan 99 Clean Jokes
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce
patch?
Seizure salad.
A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoli?"
The bartender says, "Once upon a time . . . ."
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with . . . the other is used to carry groceries.
Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
Her husband was driving her buggy.
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Italians hate ALL witnesses.
What's the different between a Jehovah's Witness and a Yugo?
You can slam the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away... and you have their shoes.
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had
never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not
complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that
it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just
signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully
compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my
boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is
Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that
it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for
Employees:""Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross
there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large
bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had
this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do
you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be
the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and
clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual
amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual
behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only
had iceberg.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his
head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they
thought the suspect wasn't telling a lie. Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed.
An old man living alone is South Armagh whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison didn't
have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So, he wrote to his son about his
predicament. The son slent the reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig the garden
up, that's where I buried the guns!!!! " At 3AM the next morning a dozen British
soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote to his son telling him what had happened and asked him what he
should do next. The son sent the reply: "NOW, plant the potatoes!"
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He
looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up
and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years goes by, and one day he
hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and
he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail says, "What
the hell was that all about?"
Subject: KIDS' INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
Never trust a dog to watch your food.-Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.-Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.-Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.-Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.-Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.-Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.-Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.-Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom. -Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert.-Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don'tanswer him. -Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.-Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.-Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom whenshe's on the phone. -Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.-Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.-Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.-Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.-Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.-Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.-Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.-Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes.-Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.-Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake. Go for the icing!Cynthia, Age 8
Right after his graduation, a guy shows up at the factory to start his first job. The owner himself meets him at the door. He leads him to the factory floor, hands him a broom, and indicates that the floor needs sweeping. "Hey," protests the young guy. "I can't sweep the floor! I'm a college graduate!" "Oh, right, I forgot. Here, I'll show you how."
Hit Television TV Shows in Iraq:
"Husseinfeld"
"Mad About Everything"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Suddenly Sanctions"
"Allah McBeal"
"Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
"Matima Loves Chachi"
"The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
"Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
"Achmed's Creek"
"The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
M*U*S*T*A*S*H
"Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black,Shapeless Dresses"
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
"When Kurds Attack"
"Just Shoot Me"
"My Two Baghdads"
"Diagnosis Heresy"
"Everybody Loves Saddam (Or He'll Have Them Shot)"
"Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
"Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah"
"Totally Clothed Baywatch"
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and than make such an obvious error, he replied:
(scroll down)
(brace yourself)
(this is going to hurt)
(really badly)
(I warned you)
(last chance to stop before it hurts!)
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Of course, he was a very spiritual being. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore: he became known as a (wait for it...):
(scroll down)
Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.