December, 1999 Dirty Jokes
deertune.exe 1299KB Reindeer Song
Things I Say Alot At Work.....
1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
What a GREAT retirement plan.
The pentagon recently found that they had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general came up with!)
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure 8 feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.00.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to my balls." The pension man said that he had better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer asked the General to drop 'em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "Where are your balls?" The general replied, "in Vietnam."
For all of you who are about to max out on Christmas goodwill, here
follows
an article I found. It may (or may not) be true. Nevertheless, hold this
in
escrow as a sugarplum anodyne for those moments during this season when
you
start to feel overly gloopy.
*Heroic Family Dog Drags Problem
Child Back into Burning Building*
Dover - Man's best friend made the ultimate sacrifice
for
Larry and Jen Randal yesterday, as the couple's cherished Retriever,
Mrs.
Cookie, leaped into a flaming building to ensure the
demise
of their obnoxious son. Four-year-old Billy Randal seemed about to
escape a
late-night blaze at the couple's suburban residence when the pet subdued
the child and dragged him back to his death as the neighbors and parents
he
had tormented watched gratefully.
Mr. Randal said that the fire began accidentally when the vat of oily
rags
he stored in Billy's closet was ignited by one of the candles the family
used for light. At
the first sign of smoke, Mr. Randal quickly ushered his wife and Mrs.
Cookie to safety, where they agreed that "maybe it was a good time to
let
the little guy catch up on his sleep." A tense silence fell on the
gathering crowd when crashing debris woke Billy, and the child stumbled
toward the door. As the family watched helplessly from the sidewalk, the
boy struggled free of the burning debris, his tiny body silhouetted
against
blaze. Tragedy was avoided only when Mrs. Cookie sprung from Larry
Randal's
arms to pull the staggering, annoying four-year-old back into the fire.
According to firefighters' reports, the dog, "like some kind of Darth
Lassie," was gnawing on Billy's charred flesh even as it was itself
overcome by flames. Witnesses described the boy's screams as typically
obnoxious. "But actual death shut Billy's mouth like no beating ever
could," his thankful mother said. She continued, "Billy changed the life
of
everyone who knew him. I'll never forget it when he pulled my hair and
called me a lesbian." Mr. Randal added, "He would call me that, too."
Billy
was especially close to Mrs. Cookie, said his parents, "He would grip
her
ears and try to ride Cookie down the stairs or sometimes trick her into
licking the stove. It's that kind of thing that inspired her to do what
she
did." Shortly after the fire was extinguished, the family gathered with
relatives and a few close friends at a nearby nightclub to come to terms
with Billy's death.
) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
> > > > Ask your mother.
> > > >
> > > > 2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
> > > > Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
> > > >
> > > > 3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
> > > > A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch
sleeps
> > with
> > > > everybody at
> > > > the party except you.
> > > >
> > > > 4) What's the difference between love, true love, and
showing
> > off?
> > > > Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
> > > >
> > > > 5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a
Jewish
> > wife?
> > > > A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
> > > >
> > > > 6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of
> > marrying?
> > > > The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
> > intention of
> > > > driving.
> > > >
> > > > 7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
> > > > No one to talk to during orgasm.
> > > >
> > > > 8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's
> > ass?
> > > > A mechanic.
> > > >
> > > > 9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
> > > > The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a
> > dozen
> > > donuts.
> > > >
> > > > 10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
> > > > She is the one who can eat the last donut.
> > > >
> > > > 11) Jewish dilemma:
> > > > Free PORK.
> > > >
> > > > 12) The three words most hated by men during sex:
> > > > "Are you in?"
> > > >
> > > > 13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex:
> > > > "Honey, I'm home!"
> > > >
> > > > 14) Why do men take showers instead of baths?
> > > > Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
> > > >
> > > > 15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
> > > > When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went
> > > >
"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife. "Let's swap positions
tonight."
"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink
and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."
============================
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there,Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your fucking cat."
> >Subject: Bears in bars in Billings
> >
> >A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
> >
> >He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
> >
> >The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer
> >to bears in bars in Billings. "
> >
> >The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be
> >served a beer.
> >
> >The bar tender again tells him, "WE don't serve beer to
> >bears in bars in Billings."
> >
> >The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
> >beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
> >
> >The bartender, once again , "Sorry, we don't serve beer
> >to bears in bars in Billings."
> >
> >The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised,
> >and eats the woman.
> >
> >He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
> >
> >The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears
> >in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
> >
> >The bear says I'm not on drugs.
> >
> >The bartender says, "Yes you are. That was a
> >barbitchyouate."
> >
