December, 1999 Clean Jokes

elf bowling.exe (1MB)

frogpult.exe  (1MB)

kids.mpeg   (2MB, but good)

Taco Bell Sign Picture

FRIENDS  The cast of "friends" in Tennessee

Moo Shoo Pork Picture

LIGHTS971.EXE  407KB Christmas lights on your computer

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. 

2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please visit visit http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm  And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero." Not even your friend's cousin.  

3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

Dilbert's newest additions to add to your vocabulary in the late 90s office environment:

  Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

  Seagull Manager - A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

  Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

  Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

  CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe an is a serious CLM.

  Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

  404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."

  Generica - Features of the American landscape that are lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in."

 Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

  Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

  Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting obsessively.

  Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles....

  Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

  Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

  SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children Stands for "Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage".

  Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

  Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out whiny.

  Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

  Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

 G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

 Subject: Words to Live By

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.  

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal