April, 1999 Dirty Jokes

911 Call         (725KB WAV file)

Blender             (656KB ShockWave video <sic>)

Parachute        (4 MEG Video clip)

Log-on             (290KB WAV file)

This elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie-his favorite kind-his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula! "Why?" he whispered. "Why’d you do that?" "They’re for the funeral," she replied.

On their way to Vegas to get married, a wife-to-be confesses to her guy that the reason they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles further down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that he has a penis just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is OK with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy’s naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?" The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby!" The guy replied, "It is -- 8 pounds and 21 inches!

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered if there was something indecent going on between the two... After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it, do you?" The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I’ll write him a letter." So he wrote: "Dear Father, I’m not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I’m not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I’m not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for certain that if you slept in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle."

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."  The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.  They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"  "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"   

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring beer.

A dedicated UAW (United Auto Workers) union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I’m sorry it isn’t." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."  Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a unionhouse." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100,what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."   "That’s more like it!" the UAW man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I’d like her for the night." "I’m sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority.

A 7yr old boy and his 4yr old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 yr old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them began swearing. When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 yr  old hatched a plan. "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I’ll say "hell" and you say "fat ass".  The 4 yr old happily agreed. As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what  he would like to eat for breakfast.  The 7yr old replied, "Aw, hell, Mom, I’ll just have some Cheerios." WHACK! The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the younger son,  "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don’t know," the 4y old blubbered, "but you can bet your fat ass it’s not gonna be Cheerios."

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.  The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"  The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."  The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"  The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."  The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"  The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."  The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!" 

Subject: Memo to all employees

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.  Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO.............

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!!

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF; This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

The Top 13 Rejected Motel 6 Advertising Slogans